


April's dirty diary

by Caroaimezoe



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parody, Turtlecest (TMNT)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2019-08-28 19:36:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 61,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16729446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroaimezoe/pseuds/Caroaimezoe
Summary: April's diary found after season two from 2k12, while the Kraangs run the city!!~~Winner in the Universal TMNT Fanfiction Competition 2018: (Mature Ballot) Funniest Lewd Comedy 1st Place; ~~!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> new attempts to post this. Picture by Lolita

 

_**November,** **22th**_

_Dear diary,_

_My relationship with Casey has been official for one week now. It's been seven days and here's what he asked me this morning: "Hey_ babe, _when are you up for a threesome with your buddy Irma?"_

 _Urgh, men! He asked me that because I got drunk a few days ago and confessed that Irma and I once had "fun"_ together, _if you know what I mean. Anyway, before anything happens between Casey, Irma, and I, it would be great if just me and my boyfriend could manage to fuck. Cause yeah, my dad doesn't want Casey in his home, and we have no car for a quickie, and no cash for a motel, so... We're not left with any option besides hoping my father goes on a trip._

_I'm sure Case – who's such a delicate person – is very eager to show off in front of Raph about how he banged me so hard last night... Or to mimic my moanings, or to tell Raph that I'm a real ginger. I heard them making a bet about it once. Seriously. Don will eventually learn about it and look at me with his kicked puppy eyes._

_To be honest, lately Donnie kinda stopped harassing me like he used to, but still... He really needs to find someone else to be obsessed with. But it's not like there are_ lot _of possibilities available to him either. The only girl he knows – aside from me – is Karai, and we don't need a civil war in the lair. Raph is always bitching about her and Leo busy to deny having a crush on her. We don’t need Donnie in the mix._

_Anyway, Leo told me about being interested in getting to know this girl ‘better’. He plays the white knight with a pure heart but I'm sure Leo beats off while thinking about Karai under his shiny armor! Well... Almost sure. Mikey noticed that Leo has been volunteering to wash the laundry for more than ten weeks in a row. I don't know but it sounds like he has something to hide, and that something is somewhere on his bed sheets!_

_I'm not sure Mikey understood what that implied though... He's so innocent! Some condoms fell out of my bag the other day (just in case my dad did leave for a while), and he asked me: "Is that a chewing-gum? Can I have one?"_

_Well, I wouldn't want to be the one who had to give him the talk._

_I think I'm gonna go to bed now... I'll try to think about what Casey asked..._

* * *

 

_**November,** **23th** _

_Alright, Casey is a jerk. He texted me to ask if the size matters. I didn't ask him precisely what size he meant... We're talking about Casey and his mind is always in the gutter! I didn't get why he was asking me such a thing. I know what his size is, I already sucked his cock once, in an alley... And I didn't want to answer his question._

_But he kept insisting, and I said that girls who pretend that size doesn't matter are just liars trying to protect the self-esteem of their "little" lovers. Of course, he didn't like my answer and called me on my phone to ask what size was acceptable._

_I could clearly hear Raph laughing in the background, as he was probably just behind Case. The dude sounded so worried. I asked if he had compared his cock to Raphael's one. He admitted that yes, he had, and then told me to keep myself away from that "beast," because apparently, Raph could do more damage with that massive weapon than with his sai._

_Then I heard Raph telling Casey that he was a sore loser, and Casey said that it was unfair and that mutagen counted as a drug, like steroids, and that consequently, Raph was disqualified._

_Boys would be boys. Having a shell change nothing._

_I asked if the next competition was going to be who would get laid first. Casey and Raph started to challenge each other about it, dissing the other with some very eloquent word like ‘monstrous dong’ and ‘tiny little pecker’. I said that at least they were exactly the same level when it came to maturity, meaning somewhere between kindergarten and preschool, and I hung up._

* * *

 

**_November, the 24th_ **

_Leo texted me earlier and he was really mad!_

_I would have never thought he could be so scary. He's usually such a gentleman! He asked me why I had dragged Raphael into a competition he couldn't win – he was talking about the ‘who will lose their virginity first’ thing. Casey and Raph had taken it seriously and challenged each other again. Go figures._

_Leo sounded furious. He asked if I was aware of what kind of horrible things Raph was ready to do to win. He then told me to come to the lair tomorrow, with Casey, to tell Raph he yields._

_I tried to tell Leo that I couldn't do that, that I had things to do tomorrow, but Leo made it clear that it wasn't a suggestion, but an order. And well... When he's in leader mode, even Genghis Khan would bow his head._

_So I accepted._

_Urgh! Casey will be so hard to convince. I hope to bribe him with a blow job._

* * *

 

**_November, the 25th_ **

_I always thought Raph was the most difficult in the family, with an oversized ego and way too strong a sense of competition. Clearly, if I thought so, it's because I didn’t know Leo very well. Sure, Leo is a gentleman, but when he has to show who’s the boss, he became as much of caveman as the other two._

_He was waiting for us earlier. He_ ordered, _YES ORDERED, my_ boyfriend _to surrender. He said Casey was taking advantage of Raph's_ handicap, _since he had a girlfriend, and Raph can't show up topside with some random chick._

_But Raph barked that he didn't have any handicap, that Casey was the one having one since he’s got such a teenie weenie " (yeah... That's exactly what he said). Then, Casey got mad and refused to give up on their stupid bet. Leo tried to sooth Raph, saying that he didn't mean to offend Raph by saying he had a handicap. He said something about how easily Raph would win if he had been human._

_Casey was so vexed that he was moving his hockey stick around like a cheerleader, protesting that none of the Hamato brothers would be able to get laid, even if they had been human because they were a bunch of weirdos._

_Raph and Leo's honor was at stake. I saw it on their faces. I thought that stupid fight would never end when Raph started to yell._

_"Leo is just jealous because we'll get laid before him!"_

_Have I ever said that my boyfriend is an idiot? He probably thought the situation wasn't horrible enough because he added another layer._

_"Yeah, he's jealous cause he'll have to satisfy himself with his right hand forever!"_

_I expected Leo to say something very deep and spiritual that would shut everyone up. I realized I was wrong when Mikey appeared out of nowhere with popcorn, and Donnie shut his computer down, finally looking at us._

_"First of all," Leo said, "I'm ambidextrous, and_ secondly, _if I ever decide to participate in this stupid competition, none of you would ever be able to beat me."_

_Raph, Case, and Leo were staring at each other like mad dogs. Well... Mostly Raph and Leo actually, they were so close to each other that I thought their plastrons would touch._

_Suddenly, a cheerful voice shrilled: "I'm in! What about you, Donnie?"_

_Leo opened his eyes wildly and protested: "Mikey, no! It's not a game for you!"_

_"Come on Leo, it looks fun! If you're playing, I wanna play too! I don't mind it if I lose, what really matters is participation. So Donnie, what about you?"_

_Dear Diary, I swear, I got goosebumps._

_"No Mikey, this kind of competition requires a judge and I'm ready to take that role. I'm gonna write down the rules and decide how long this contest will last."_

_Leo nodded. That was the answer of the Hamato clan to Casey Jones’ stupid challenge to his booze buddy._

_God please, protect NY!_

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone wanted the second chapter of this crazy fic. So, I give it to you,

_November 26th._

_Dear Diary, we were sitting in Donnie’s lab, waiting for the rules of this stupid challenge that my boyfriend had suggested to his booze buddy, who in turn had trained his control-freak brother. I should have known that the Hamato clan was taking even crazy talk and macho man boasting as a serious matter._

_Donnie had explained that the goal was to reach 100 points within 30 days. Because, he had explained to us, if no one succeeds, the victory will go to the one who has amassed the most point. Donnie had pointed out Casey had the advantage of having an already consenting girlfriend. So, he had asked my boyfriend if he agreed to start at -10 instead of 0. With this smug smirk of it, Casey had accepted telling it was good sportsmanship. All was fine when suddenly, Mikey asked why I wasn’t participating. I didn’t have time to answer that Casey had hit him behind the head._

_“Dummy, if she wins, I win too.”_

_Raph had snapped that only him could hit Mikey and treat him as a moron. But this question from the baby brother had made me think. Mikey, the most optimistic person in the world looked like he didn’t believe in my relationship. Mikey, the kid who tried daily to learn to talk to his cat, without getting discouraged! It hit me. Irma told me the same thing this morning or so. I thought she was just jealous that I could get laid before her, but that might not be the case._

_I got back to reality when Mikey, who always had the knack for arguing, asked if Leo, who also had a girlfriend had to start at -10 too. Magnanimously, Leo was about to accept when Raph swore he would not let Leo use the excuse he had started lower than him to lose. Moreover, Karai wasn’t and would never be Leonardo Hamato's girlfriend. It was about to turn to their usual fight when Donnie took the control._

_“Don’t dare break something in my lab! Mikey, Leo and Raph start at 0. Here's how to increase your score.”_   
_He typed something on his computer next to the screen. This crazy perfectionist had made a power point to explain to us the rules and he had bee kind enough to send me it on email. It’s the reason, dear Diary, that I can give you an accurate report of_

_- **Making out 10 points**_   
**_-Getting a sexy pic 10 points_ **

**_-Getting a used underwear or other ‘prize’, 10 points_ **

**_-Mutual masturbation 15 points_ **

**_-Blowjob or cunnilingus 20 points_ **

_At that moment, Mikey did what everyone feared. He asked a question._

_"What is a cun…"_   
_Don had shushed him sharply._

_“Leo will explain it to you later and answer all your questions. Write down everything you don’t understand, Mikey.”_

_“What? Why me?” Leo asked, now fidgeting on the office chair._

_"It's your role as big brother to educate Mikey,” Donatello stated and Leo looked down, looking miserable and it was the most entertaining sight ever.“Let’s continue with the rules.”_

_So here the other ways to earn points:_   
**_-30 points for complete intercourse (_ ** _this is Donnie’s word)_   
**_-50 points for anal intercourse._ ** _(If Casey try that, I kick him right in the face)_

_And Donnie had added that a video prof was giving a 20 points bonus._

_There was now a thick silence in the lab. Now it was sinking in the hormonal soup brain that it wasn’t drunk talk anymore. Mikey had opened his mouth. Leo had covered it with his hand, not wanting to hear the question before bracing himself._

_“Of course, I trust your honor. Nobody can lie. I will be the only one who can give the points. The others will have access to the score every three days, without knowing what the other participants did to reach this score. Of course, you can help or try to prevent each other to get points. Also, if I find a situation too uneven, I can give a helping hand. Everything is allowed, except the lie. Are you all agreed with these terms?_   
_This was the moment when I mingled with the discussion._   
_“Apart from the honor of having won this very mature competition, what is the reward?”_

_“It's a game where everyone is a little winner, right?” Donnie replied to me with a sneer._   
_Everyone nodded, looking at each other, accepting the conditions of the challenge, even Mikey, serious as a Pope, even though he didn't understand anything._

_“May the best man or turtle win. The games had begun,” Donatello declared as serious as fucking Julius Caesar._

_Casey was still harboring this cocky grin. I hate it. I don’t want him to want to fuck me only to win a stupid bet! I want him to want me! In any case, I'm not in the mood at the moment to increase his score. We came back and I turned him down._   
_Damn, I just got a text from Donnie! I texted him 10 minutes ago to ask him why he adhered to this idea of deep stupid! After all, his brothers can’t really win. They can only go out at night and have to hide from humans. Ok, Leo has a touch with Karai, but still! And Mikey and Raph?_   
_And there, I swear to you, diary, I see his answer and I don’t know if I want to laugh, throw up or wet my panties._   
_Here his answer._

_'April, this kind of bet is part of any teenager life. Moreover, you really lack imagination. Who says my brothers had to go topside to have sex?'_

_Ok, shit. Does that mean what I think it's mean? If so, I will never be able to look them in the eyes again!_


	3. Raph's birthday

November 27th.

Ok, today was Raph's birthday.

The guys had had their mutation anniversary two months ago, but Raph, at the age of seven, had blown a gasket and insisted he wanted his own birthday. Each of them had to pick a date, by picking a number and then a month. Raph had picked up November 27th.

Casey, our whole walk to the lair, joked that for his party, he should have paid for a whore for his friend so the poor guy could earn some points. I simply gave him the silent treatment. Sometimes Casey Jones gets on my nerves, especially since we got together. I mean, he thinks he's so superior since then! It's as if by sucking him off I transmitted a superpower.

I don’t know if also the sight of Raph's dick traumatized him so much, but since then, he's super macho!

In any case, yesterday, caressing myself, I didn’t even think of him. Instead, I had erotic images of Raph shutting Leonardo up with his supposedly so big cock. Donnie fucked my mind with his text message! I had never had those kinds of thoughts before! Yesterday, I had thought he was joking but now I'm not sure, the pictures I have in my mind are so vivid!

We went via the bakery because Casey had asked a friend who worked there to make a cake for ‘his friend’. I didn’t see the cake, since Casey didn’t open the box, but I was too taken with my incestuous gay fantasies to think about that or find it suspicious.

I should have known better.

At the lair, the atmosphere was friendly and pleasant, until Donnie came out with the gift boxes.  
We all thought they were gifts for Raph but we didn’t understand why there were four of them and besides, Donnie had already given Raph his present, an upgrade for his bike. Now he could give vocal commands to his bike using his helmet, like automatic drive or to switch the music. He had looked very pleased with it.

Mikey had made the meal for Raph, with all his favorite dishes. It wasn’t surprising. Mikey earned money by picking up quarters and nickels dropped into the sewer but the poor guy always wasted them on gummy bears. Leo, on the other hand, had offered a relatively lavish gift for their ‘no-money’ situation. A new practice dummy for Raph. The leader had explained that he had chosen it in blue for Raph to let off steam with while Leo was busy meditating.

So, Raph was very happy with his gifts and having a sweet-sixteenth party, without pink dresses, until Don came out with the gift boxes.

Donnie explained that they were elements to spice up the contest. Mikey, Leo, Raph, and Casey were about to each receive a ‘magic item’. The use of this item would give them 40 points.

Casey had interposed like a sore baby. “What’s to tell us it’s not staged, huh? You're going to give Mikey the easiest and you're going to give me some hardcore BDSM shit that April would be too stuck-up to try out?”

I got so mad at this and was about to bite his head off when Donnie made a soothing gesture to save the caveman asshole.

“Their level of difficulty is even but I can give you Mikey's if you wish,” he had suggested and it was hard to tell if it was only bluff with that poker face of his.

Leo had intervened. “I ask to see what will be given to Michelangelo. His innocence must still be preserved and as the leader, I oppose anything that could corrupt him too drastically.”

“No, Leo, that would be cheating,” Don had refused. “I can only say that if there is really some ‘hardcore BDSM shit’, to quote our eloquent friend, Casey, it’s in Raph’s box.’

I didn’t see that coming but Leo had thrown himself on Raph’s box.

“I take it,” he had declared.

Raph had pulled on the box from his side, to dislodge it from his brother’s hand.

“Like fuck I’ll let you have it! Donnie chose it for me. Take the romantic massage oils and candles he has reserved for you.”

Don had sworn that there were no such vanilla things in any box but since it was Raph’s birthday, he could see what was in both his and Leo’s, and make a choice. It was the only exception since everybody should keep what was in their box a secret.

Raph had left for the kitchen with the two boxes, but when he came back, he was mad but mostly very pale.

“You’ve got a sick mind, brainiac,” he had spat. “Stop watching weird Japanese underground porn for fuck sake!”

“It’s not from Japan. It’s from Germany,” Don had replied matter of factly, as though that made it any better.

But my attention had been too busy watching Raph, who had dropped on a chair, looking about ready to puke from nerves. I was, at this point, very curious. I know Raph has a thing for gutting Foot soldier and criminals. So what could disturb him so much that his knee buckled?

Casey then offered the cake and I must have known, from the sound of his voice, that the epic jerk had something in mind. He had opened the box, proud of himself, to present us the cake. It was a vulva-cake, with the red hair in icing and a cherry at the place of the clit. Leo had the cute reflex of covering Mikey's eyes with his hand.

“This is the only 's pussy that you will see of your life. So enjoy it slowly!” He had burst out laughing, proud of his little dirty bad joke.

I was so angry that I didn’t react right away. I watched Leo, Raph, and Donnie.

Leonardo was very pale. I thought he looked like a knight from another century who had just had his horse painted pink or something. He got up, after whispering something like ‘Go to your room’ to Mikey, and I knew from his deadly serious expression that Leo was going to duel with my moronic boyfriend to restore Raphael's honor.

Raph had motioned for Leo to sit down, wanting to deal with the situation himself. But neither of them had time to do anything.

I crushed the cake in Casey's face.

“Enjoy, Jones, you won’t see mine so closely, it's over!”

At first, I really believed what I said. But Donnie had stepped in.

“April! Casey was just joking! I'm sure Raph will forgive him if he apologizes.” He had turned to Raph, who had just shrugged, like he didn’t really give a damn but I was now pretty shocked to see Donnie, out of all of them, standing up for Casey.

Casey had apologized and begged me to forgive him. I did but the atmosphere remained cold until Mikey remarked that Raph didn’t seem to be feeling well, worried it was because of the meat he had used for the spaghetti.

Raph had shaken his head and had only said that he wanted Leo and Mikey out of this challenge because Mikey was too young and it didn’t concern Leo.

Leo had frowned and asking angrily if it was because Raph though he had no game, and I presume the others, like me, had sighed with exasperation. Why did everyday end with an argument between the two hot-heads? Leo could play the cool guy, the truth is he could be stubborn as fuck too.

I was still hurt by the behavior of my so-called-boyfriend and was thinking about leaving. But then, But then, I got a huge shock. Raph backed down from the oncoming fight.

“Leo, I concede you're the better pretty boy. If we were humans, all the girls in the school would fall for you, ok? Your picture in their locker and everything. You would win, 100%! But this ain't that kind of contest. It ain't your place. If you withdraw, Mikey will too. Right, Mike?”

Raph was using Mikey as his secret ace, knowing that to protect Mikey, Leo was ready to do anything. But then, the second shock, Mikey had protested very violently, when usually he was so easy to bully.

“No, I'm the same age as you and I want to see what Donnie bought for me!”

Raph had snapped about Don being a dangerous perv, and I was more excited than Casey when he is watching wrestling. Excited in the sense of curiosity. For Raph to be disturbed, indignant, conceding that Leo is superior and publicly declaring that Don is a dangerous pervert, it needed to be something huge! But since he had returned from opening the box, I was wondering a lot. What could such a serious cherry-boy like Donnie, a geek, a nerd, have chosen? A schoolgirl outfit? Handcuffs? Donnie was a virgin. His imagination could not go very far!

That was my thought before. But I was mistaken. Donatello IS a dirty pervert.

Donnie justified himself by saying that Raph, having taken what was going to Leo, didn’t have what he needed. That was a shame because he had thought long and hard before finding and delivering what was best for Leo.

Raph had choked with such a mixture of indignation and astonishment that everyone looked at him as though he were a show. I had to know, I was about to ask, when his fist hit the table.

“What do these fucking kinky horrors have to do with Leo?”

“There are several of them? But Donnie said everyone was only getting one?” I had asked.

Don then explained to me that Leo was ‘too gifted’ and needed then a harder challenge  
To get his points, he must use all three items he got. But Donnie assured me that the three were perfectly suited to his personality.”

Leo had frowned, curious despite his common sense, but Casey and Raph were protesting at the same time. One of them on how Leonardo's personality had no resemblance to objects and Casey on the fact that he wanted to know how Leo was favored to the point of having a high level of difficulty.

“It's simple, I like Mikey to death, but he would confess, like me, that Leo has the most classic beauty. Right, April?”

“He's a fucking green, three-fingered mutant!” Casey had protested before I even have the time to answer. “Where do you see ‘beauty’ in that?”

There, I was done. I told Casey to leave and that I didn’t want to see him for several days. He had left with his box and I apologized to Leo. He had only shrugged. The insults addressed to him affected him very little. He was only a blazing fire when it was about his bros.

Raph and Don were still bickering about Leo's ‘Magic items’.

“Leonardo is a person who likes to control. This explains one object. He likes to share too, that explains the second. Then, finally, he is huge. It's not all mouths that …” Don had started to explain to validate his choices and I was all ears.

“Shut up! There are innocent ears here! I'm talking about Mikey and April!” Leo exclaimed and I rolled my eyes. “Listen, Raph, if you're afraid to use them, give them back to me. But your package is worse, according to Donnie.”

“Not at all. I exaggerated actually,” Don told them with a sly smirk. “Raph's is funny. Strange, but funny. Since he is not a cheerful guy, I thought it would give him the advantage of looking playful.”

Leo wanted to retake his box and Raph didn’t want to let it go like two dogs fighting over a bone. Mikey took advantage of everyone's distraction to search through his box. And there, I swear to you, diary, I burst out with the most nervous laugh of my life.

In Mikey's hands, there was ... a piggy tail anal plug.

I didn’t know where to look and what was most funny was that Mikey was playing with his ‘magic item’ with the shining eyes of a kid at Christmas, not having a tiny bit of idea of what it could be used for.

Raph stretched out his arms, ready to catch Leo if he fainted.

Leo who ... listen diary, it's sad, cute and funny at the same time, I know I should not laugh, but it's as if Hiroshima had just happened in the lair. I sincerely believe that some connection between his soul and body must have snapped. The worst of his nightmares had just happened. Mikey was tainted. At this point he was still speechless, actually looking like he was really going to faint.

Raph was yelling at Mikey to stop shaking it up in front of their brother but Mikey wasn’t listening, only shouting strings of excited questions and comments like ‘What is it? I want to try it! How do I use it?’ worsening the situation a hundredfold.

Then Leo woke up from his daze, walked over and took a knife from the drawer, turning to threaten Donnie, who raised his hands laughing.

Shit, I should have taken pictures with my phone. Raph, Mikey and I had to separate an outraged Leonardo from a laughing Donnie. In fact, what made Leo let go was when Mikey asked him why he was angry, that it was a cute thing, very harmless, and said that Leo was spoiling the evening.

I proposed that it was booze time. Raphael went to hide the Peach Schnapp bottle before Leo could served himself any.

I heard rumors about it being the leader’s absolute weakness. He loves the taste of it so much that he couldn’t stop and went on a rampage, Donnie told me once. I was disappointed because I never got to see it and I have a hard time imagining the stoic Leonardo getting tipsy, even less with this girly drink.

We drank, I got drunk and the guys offered to let me stay over to prevent the drunk me getting raped on my way home. I slept in Raph's room because he has a hammock and a futon. As soon as I closed the door, I asked to see the objects.

“It would fuck up your mind,” he warned.

I protested that if he was too upset about it, to the point of not even be able to show them to me, his friend, he would never use them and get the points.

Raph told me he didn’t care at this point if Casey and I won, but I was still pissed at Casey and decide to spite him.

There, I don’t want to give too many details. But, I gave Raph a points lead as a gift. This is not the first time we’d done stuff together. We had twice before Casey but we got never further than jerking off. Raph is the less likely to have ‘feelings’ in the aftermath, and he is the most hormone driven of them.

I was angry at Casey and I admit, turned on by the comments I had heard.

I had to wank Raph practically with both hands because one hand couldn’t even close around it. But it’s must be, he says, because I have very little hands. Sucking him off is impossible, even if I wanted to. I licked the sides but after he was done, we came to the conclusion that it was worth only 15 points. I was curious about the taste, but ultimately it tasted as salty as Casey’s.

I had made a comment about the Guinness Book of Records because I had no choice but to speak to unlock my jaw, which was stiff from my efforts. He remarked about Leo being bigger and I remembered Donnie had said something about that, too. Shit, bigger than that???? I can’t imagine! Raph has a three-inch diameter and a length of twelve ( well, approximately, I didn’t bring a ruler with me to measure it.) Maybe this meat between his legs his the reason Leo feels validated to be boss of everything around him. Men are stupid like that with their pride about their dicks.

I asked about Don and Mikey but he told me he’d never looked at theirs.

We laughed a little about the competition between him and Leo, then he agreed to show me the objects. Two of them weren’t that bad. There was a dong with two ends and a whip. The whip didn’t surprise me a bit since Leo is such a control freak. I had kept my astonishment for the third.

It was so ‘hard’ and underground and it reminded me of my nightmares about the dentist when I was a kid. I don’t even know what it's called but it was to open someone’s mouth but very, very wide and keep it locked like that. No one in their right mind would use it. It was enough to fuck up your jaw and face for forever!

Donnie needs therapy.

Raph was still worried about what Leo got now and I reassured him.

He wished me a good night, me, happy birthday and he fell asleep. Now after having written all of that I wonder. What was Casey's object? Leo is how much bigger?

But here, I put down my pen, because I'm tired. It was a very long and moving anniversary.

 

 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	4. The Sex-Guru

_November 28,_

_Ok. Seriously, I thought I had seen everything with the boys. But this morning, we have just reached a peak. It is 10 am, and I”m using the opportunity while the boys are the training to write before I forget._

_I got up, with a slight hangover. Raph snored loudly and I told myself that I was really drunk as a sailor to fall asleep despite the noise. I looked at my cell phone. It was 7:45 am and if I didn’t hurry, I was going to be late for my classes. I had a text from Irma and three from Casey. I was going to answer after going home, nothing was urgent. I got up, readjusting my appearance a little, came out of the room of Raph and took my bag on the armchair when I was stopped on my way._   
_Leo stretched out his arms and I felt like in the Lord of the Rings when Gandalf blocks the way to the Balrog. ‘You shall not pass’ or something. Leo's eyes were dark and I could see he hadn’t slept. He knew what had happened with Raph? He was traumatized by his special item? He was asking for my help to get points? Asia had decided to put an embargo on sandalwood incense? Damn, what could be going on to make Leo, the cool and in-control leader, seem like he’d watched a video about how they make Kentucky Fried Chicken?_

_“April,” he said, his voice from beyond the grave.”You’re going nowhere. You have to help me.”_

_Ok, he may have a lot of persuasive argument under his belt, but for the moment, I don’t intend to let myself been bossed around, I said to myself._

_“I have to go to my classes!” I retorted._

_“This is a more urgent matter!”_

_Okay. That merited my attention. When the guy who has his picture next to the definition of "responsibility" in the dictionary asks you to ditch classes, you listen._

_So I did, out of curiosity._

_“Ok, Leo. What is going on? Are you trying to earn points?”_

_Leo looked at me with...disgust? Who does he think he is? Frigging Antonio Banderas?_

_“What? No! I would earn my points honorably,” he protested with indignation.”It's not about me, it's about Mikey. We must save his soul.”_

_“Aren’t you Buddhist?” I asked. Where was this leading?_

_“Buddhists also believe in the soul,” he said with despair, over the situation or my stupidity. “I don’t know what Donnie’s deal is, but he abused Raphael's naivety.”_

_“Raph has not the naive victim profile, according to me” I sneered._

_“Whatever!” he snapped.”Mikey must be removed from the contest. Donatello says he would accept Mikey’s withdrawal, if Mikey is the one asking for it,” he urged. “I need your help to convince him. In addition, Donnie says that Mikey is old enough to have access to ... some information.”_

_I asked Leo about why Donnie, the sharp-minded family scientist, had asked Leo the bigot, the most prudish person on Earth, to give Mikey a ‘talk’._

_“It is my responsibility as the eldest and leader. But I need help. The help from a lady,” he added, flashing a smile he hoped enticing._

_Leo, in general, was the type to have all the Foot clan and an alien Armada after his ass before asking for help from anyone. What could I do? I protested that Raphael could provide more legitimate help than mine, as second eldest, but Leo rejected my objection with the back of his hand. No was an answer never working well with him._

_“I told you. There are certain details that Michelangelo must learn from a woman. Anyway, Raphael must be protected as well from...this,” he murmured with sorrow._

_I was really tempted to slap Leo for him to come back in reality. How can he have his own domestic anaconda and be so naive? Raph was far away more educated than him. I thought that finally, if someone needed to be protected, it was Leonardo himself. I think that his purity must be on the verge of extinction._

_Leo took a deep breath and knocked on Mikey's door._

_Leonardo was welcomed as the Messiah. Okay, Mikey idolizes Leo, but this time it was even worse. Leo was there to bring Mikey the knowledge! Convinced that only rubies and pearls could pour out of the mouth of his personal superhero, Mikey grabbed his stuffed teddy bear and waited for wisdom that would come from Leo._

_And there, I was scared. Leonardo was so nervous that he seemed about to puke. So, I started. Softly. Nobody ever gave me this talk, since my mother died._

_“Did you ever wondered Mikey where the babies are coming from?”_

_“Of course, I’m not that stupid!” he exclaimed. “The male partner sticks his dick into the…”_

_Leo, mortified, interrupted him._

_"Wow! Mikey! You are so knowledgeable, I think you can manage without us! April has classes and ..._

_“Yes, Donnie gave me the talk when I turned eleven,” he replied with a shrug._

_Leo frowned._

_“Donatello didn’t warn me of this discussion. This kind of conversation is to be submitted to my authority beforehand!” he stated, clearly mad. “Since it’s pointless for you to get a second talk, I will leave you to your activities.”_

_He was already about to leave and me too, when Mikey stopped us._

_“I found out how to use the pig thing,” he shouted happily._

_I immediately looked at Leo, ready to give him CPR._

_“Therefore, you don’t need me for this conversation,” he answered, his voice clipped but with a hint of nerve. “I'm going to meditate …”_

_“Don told me the generalities, but he told me that you were the master of detail and precision and that you could share your tips to be a great fuck,” Mikey urged with eagerness. “I’m ready to learn, Sensei!”_

_Leo’s extreme embarrassment was laughable, but he decided to turn angry to hide it, I bet._

_“I don’t have any tips. I don’t know anything about how to be this...great whatever you called it!” he spat, like it burned his tongue._

_“But….but!! Mikey said, pouting. “Don told me that you and Karai had passed first base. He saw you in the back alley behind Lucky Lin’s All-You-Can-Eat Chinese. You know, the one where I choked on a pork meatball?” he kept insisting to my glee._

_“I know what restaurant you are talking about!” Leo roared, aware I was staring in disbelief, I suppose. “That is not the point! This is about Donnie’s new gossip hobby!”_

_Leo made a gesture to silence Mikey, looking at me stealthily. Ok, I was turned on, I wanted to know! Leo, who changed the channel if there was a kiss on tv, did “things” to the worst kunoichi badass in town (after me)?_

_“But Donnie says you basically keep the sex shop on 37th in business!” Mikey exclaimed! “ You spend all your earnings on all kind of kinky stuff from that place! You know which shop I’m talking about, right? The one with pink curtains?” Leo stayed silent, struggling to keep the best poker face ever, I supposed. But Mikey had an ace on his sleeve. “The one with a door to another back alley with no streetlight! But Donnie said that Raphie and you have …”_

_At this, Leo’s carefully maintained calm expression flew out the window. It was quite a fascinating sight to see his emotionless persona breaking apart so badly._

_“Shut up!” he yelled. Mikey did as he had been shouted. “I have an idea. I will have an interesting chat with our brother Donatello. Meanwhile, April will explain... feminine matters, okay?”_

_“But Donnie said that when you bite their neck, they have an instant orgasm,” Mikey whined. “Karai and …”_

_“I’ll be back!”_

_Wow! How dare he throw me under the bus! But I was actually glad. And well, I prefer my situation to Don’s, who was likely to be scolded and do burpees and push-ups on a board for three days in a row._

_I was alone with Mikey, the turtle least likely to keep a secret. And I absolutely wanted to know all the secrets of Leonardo, the mysterious leader._

_“Ok, Mikey, spill the beans already!” I started. I needed to know before Leo came back._

_“I don’t know what you are talking about?” he said, the little bastard._

_“Playing dumb only works with Leo,” I retorted. “So, what is Leo's story with Karai?”_

_“ I think...he may have..a crush on her…” Mikey whispered and I barely restrained to shake him. The asshole was playing with me. He knew that I know that already for months._

_“I want to know the new development!” I insisted. “Leo is the only saint I believed in. What did he do?”_

_Mikey narrowed his eyes in a catlike way, with this devilish smirk that only a few of us already saw. Each day passing, he was as weird as Donnie. Maybe Leo was right to be worried._

_“Let’s make a deal, April. You show me how to please a girl and you make me use my object to win the contest and I’ll tell you all of my big brother’s dark secrets.”_

_Ok, shit, it was worth it!_

_I was already about to remove my panties when Leo came back!_

_“Mikey, I changed my mind. I will educate you myself. Otherwise, Donnie threatened to go himself or send Raphael. As long as you do something, you need to do it perfectly, without unnecessary perversity. I will explain to you but you ask only up to three questions,” he declared, showing him his three fingers._

_Mikey first question was about oral sex._

_Diary, I'm so sorry, I know it was very useful and that I I should have taken notes to show Casey. I only remember that he started by saying that a gentleman, stimulated the rest of his partner before throwing himself on her clit. Then, when she was comfortable, it was necessary to spread the lips, precisely with the thumb and the forefinger, to introduce two inches of the tongue, then after ten seconds, not before, to use fingers. Then, to determine if the ‘lady’ is clitoral or vaginal but to not focus on one movement and do the same thing over and over again. I need to tell that Casey because I feel it’s the kind of thing he would do. Leo told Mikey he has to find the right combination with stealth, like a safe in the enemy lair. Ok, ninja style figure, but still, I wanted to be a safe! There were more many details explained with an accuracy a gynecologist would not even have. Leo concluded that a good lover was versatile and adapted to the body, needs, and desires of his partner._

_I was panting, my nipples probably about to poke through my shirt. Did Leo make a living by getting jaded housewives off?_

_But Mikey seemed unhappy with his lesson._

_“By admitting that my partner is a male what am I doing?_

_Leo tried to send me back to school, arguing they don’t need me anymore._

_As if I was going to miss Leo's fellatio class for the gifted student to learn English literature._

_With frenzy, I turned on the recorder of my cell phone._

_“Sensei! Share your knowledge!”_

_Did I really say that? To Leonardo Hamato, a 17-year-old mutant, who until recently I thought I was the most likely to die with his virginity to keep him warm? Yes, shit, I said it and with conviction!_

_I don’t have to rewrite everything, because I recorded every word, but at the end of Leonardo's presentation on the art of blow-job, I had to admit that you’d have to practice more than once to bring to such a point of mastery the art of giving head. I mean, you’d almost have to be born with a dick in your mouth! Okay, I'm exaggerating, but still! More than that, it must mean Leonardo is bisexual, because his lecture on cunnilingus was equally convincing! I must admit, it excited me. That a boy as conventional as Leonardo Hamato was a bisexual sex guru was the "turn on" of the year._

_Mikey had a question and my panties were soaked._

_“I know this is my last question,” he sight. “I keep the more important for the end. How do you prepare your partner before sticking your dick in it?”_

_"I wonder where I failed with you to have such a vocabulary. I guess it couldn’t be helped with Raphael living with us,” Leo sighed. “Anal or vaginal? I guess it's both. The key to success lies in the lubrication. Vagina self-lubricate. If you did your job well, she should be ready and wet enough. But if you want to enter by a backdoor…”_

_There was too much, I had to stop the engines._

_“Leo, I need to know. What are you doing in the contest? I mean it's a debauchery contest! You are clearly in the professional league! Not some minor league nobody!” I exclaimed._

_Leo then put his hand on his heart and told me WITHOUT LAUGHING that he kept his purity for 'the one'. Ok, that shit of white knight can work with Mikey, but not with me._

_While I told him not to bullshit me, Raph arrived for training._

_He questioned Leo about what were his special items, a subject that worries him greatly as if Leo, the person who invented sexuality on a day he couldn’t train because of a sprain, could hurt himself or be traumatized by any sex toy. If I had been given a petition for point G to be named point L, I would have been the first to sign up! Damn, I think Leo would not even be taken aback by an anal periscope! Still, ‘Fearless’ responded, with his very serious voice (yes, yes, the same guy who told his younger brother five minutes ago that the taste of cum can be surprising, but one could be used to it quickly ) something like:_

_"Donatello needs to be better supervised, because I'm worried about his hobbies"_

_I always quote the guy who must have inspired the kama sutra in his previous life and of which I really wonder about the nature of his hobbies! Shit, he's supposed to train, meditate and drink tea? Am I in a parallel dimension? Who the fuck was this guy - because there no way Leo could be some kind of expert gigolo!_

_Then, Raph asked about what he was doing with Mikey and Leo answered he had given him the basis of sexuality._

_I opened my eyes, stunned. Leo was really a phenomenon! I mean, he could answer anything! If Mikey had asked for the voltage needed for electric nipple clamps, Leo would have given it on the spot!! Basis, my ass! Then I saw a really innocent gesture, which I had seen more than a hundred times, but which struck me at this moment. Dear diary, I swear to you, I had to be too excited from Leonardo's pictorial explanations, and it made me imagine things! Raph put his arm around Leo's shoulders, to make him move forward, whispering something in his ear, and I knew I’d be touching myself thinking about it for at least three weeks! Shit, in every sense of the word, Casey Jones had competition!_


	5. The interrogation

_November 28-again._

_Ok, I changed my mind. This contest is the coolest thing in the world! Why did I argue against it? Instead of returning to my courses wisely, saying better late than never, I stayed and wrote in my diary. Then, I went to watch the boys’ training. My eyes were focused on Leo, who, on every head hold, I imagined biting the neck of his victim, like a damn Anne Rice character._

_Every movement of them seemed to me to have a very different meaning from now, all sexual. This contest was really messing with my mind._

_When the training ended and they walked past me to go and have a shower, I mumbled something like, "Ah, a shower ... why not? I’m so hot!” Leo stopped and said he'll make sure I have hot water left for later!_

_Shit! I want to see that. That's when I thought why not text Karai? She isn’t my friend but I was now so deep that I needed to know. Then, my eyes narrowed and landed on Donnie who was leaving the shower room. I needed the help of the weakest link of the Hamato family. Ok, Mikey actually IS the weak link, but Leo is watching him too closely. Raph was to be eliminated. I have an excellent relationship with the red one, but I can’t count on him to describe what Leo did with Karai or himself, from what I imagined. Leo himself wouldn’t say anything. He is too cunning to be manipulated and his honor prevents him from admitting anything else than having touched Karai in a fight. All that remained was Donatello, whom I, precisely, was the weak spot._

_I had promised myself to never encourage Donnie. I mean, it was hard enough for him to start being a little more normal when I'm hanging around, I didn’t want to make him relapse! But I had to know who, or when, and how Leo had had sex. I went to the lab and, I waited for him firmly. Donnie still has my picture as a wallpaper on his computer. I find that sad. Yes, because nothing will ever happen between us. While I wondered if Casey had a picture of me in the background, Don came back smiling and asking me jovially what granted him the honor of my visit._

_“No bullshit or beating around the bush Donnie, I want to know since when Leo and Raph sleep together!”_

_There, I swear, he had the guts to look shocked, but I know Donnie well and saw the glow of amusement in his eyes._

_“Leo and Raph? Really April? It's as if Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vador had a secret affair!”_

_I wasn’t stopped by this._

_“Well, I'm sure when he was still Anakin, they had one! Spill it, Donnie! I’m supposed to be your best friend and also, it’s no use to lie to me. I have proofs!” I said firmly._

_Don wasn’t taken aback a bit._

_“Really? Let's see that!”_

_Donnie, who looked frankly amused, settled down comfortably to listen to me. And there, Diary, I doubted! I was really sure of myself before, but there, I confessed that it was mostly presumptions. He knew I was only fishing but maybe if I insisted on LeoxRaph, Donnie would let loose on LeoxKarai._

_I listed my "proofs"._

_“Raph says that Leo has a bigger dick!”_

_Don stared at me like I was as dumb as dog shit._

_“So what?” he shrugged. “We all take our showers together! I’m not any of my brother's lover, but I can name them in ascending order on a dick scale.”_

_I was dying to tell him to do it. I mean, I was curious. Which girl wouldn’t be? But I recognize it as an attempt from Donnie to sidetrack me._

_“Yes, but Raph only looked at Leo's,” I retorted, fists on my hips._

_"Do I need to remind you that Raph compares himself to Leo every minute of his life?” Don sneered. “Is it all that you got as proof?”_

_Damn, it was true. I should have thought twice before talking of this one, but I wasn’t done yet._

_“Mikey brought up Raph twice during the talk with Leo! And Leo was always interrupting him, like he was nervous of what Mikey could say!”_

_“Of course, he was nervous, April. We are talking about Leo, there,” he said mimicking my position with my hands on my hips to mock me, the son of a bitch. “You know how old-fashioned he is! He could slice a guy up but to hear the word ‘fuck’ from his little brother is too much to handle. The nature of the discussion was enough to make him faint,” he stated._

_“I find it rather hypocritical to be shy when obviously, Leonardo, the perfect leader, has punched his card on both sides” I spat. Donatello was pissing me off playing the smart ass!_

_Don then raised his eyebrows._

_“April, I don’t know what is happening with you to slander Leonardo. If there is a brother whose virginity I am sure of, it's him. To participate in the challenge, he had to be and Leonardo is neither a liar nor a cheater. You know that.”_

_Don was toying with me. I was sure of it. I briefly told him the extent of the knowledge passed on to Mikey._

_“He is far too much sex-educated to be pure through and through! Damn, I was almost tasting the jizz on my taste buds listening to him because his speech was too lively.”_

_Donnie smiled with pity. Pity of me or Leo, the hell if I know. Like he was any better!_

_“Leonardo is a perfectionist. He is observant, strategic and always well prepared. He thoroughly studied the subject when he met Karai and …”_

_There, the moment I was waiting for. There was a failure in Don’s argumentation_

_“Last time I checked, Karai was a girl!” I shouted, excited by the smell of victory. I was already hearing Freddy Mercury singing an anthem in my mind. “She doesn’t have a cock to suck on! So why would Leo have done so-called studies about blow-jobs?”_

_“A good leader always has a plan B,” he deadpanned._

_This asshole said that to me with such a cocky smirk, my blood was boiling._

_I was about to shake Donnie and offer him all the sexual favors in the world to know the truth when my cell phone rang again._

_My dad asked me to go home immediately. He got called about me ditching classes! I'm in shit! Here I am, at home, and I write while waiting for him to come back._

_Before leaving, I told myself that there was at least one specific information that I could figure._

_“Don... Is it true that Leo has such a... heavy packing?”I asked, with a slight blush. I didn’t want to appear too interested in their turtle’s cock. I mean, Donnie could get me wrong._

_Donatello touched his chin, pretending to think. He was probably thinking, indeed, but only about how to make me beg for the info._

_“From a human girl point of view, I guess so.”_

_I needed to ask more straightforwardly._

_“How much bigger than Raph?_

_“Why?” he asked, his face closed, but raising an eye ridge. “Is Raph a point of reference known from you?”_

_Damn! I trapped myself. I was sweating bullet wondering how to get out from this situation when Don turned his shell to me, to be engrossed in some work._

_“Comparatively speaking, let‘s say Raph is your forearm and Leo, your calf,” he finally answered, his tone emotionless._

_I left after a quick goodbye. I had too many images in my head. Could Leo’s cock be listed as a weapon of massive destruction? I ran out of the lab, colliding with Leo, whose boiling tea spread over him. Raph came running to apply cold compresses and I only imagined him licking his breastplate. Ok, I'll stay at home for a few days! It must be the full moon or something like that for me to be such a horny mess!_


	6. First results

_Tuesday, November 29_

_Today, I decided not to go to class. I had a tough fight with my dad yesterday and I'm feeling too down for anything. In fact, everything is bad. Yesterday, the school called to tell my father I was away. Then, my father called Irma's house because I said I was going to sleep at her place (while I slept in the lair ), and then Irma said that maybe I was at Casey's place! The snatchy bitch! She knows that I didn’t tell my father yet that I was dating Casey. Now, I was busted!_

_My father called Casey and Casey's father took the call. He told my father that Casey was being punished, that his cell phone was confiscated because he had found MDNA in his bag and a horrible thing that my father didn’t tell me about. I guess it was his magic item from Donnie. I was really surprised, Casey smokes weed but don’t do hard drug! Did Casey buy drugs to get me more easily and win the challenge, I wondered? The scumbag motherfucker!_

_I was already upside down when my father told me he wanted me to break up with Casey. We argued and had a bad fight. He sent me to my room and told me I was grounded like I was thirteen and not seventeen. Texting Casey is useless since he doesn’t have his cell phone. I spent the evening in my room, missing him. We were supposed to have a date at the movie theater. We were waiting for this specific horror movie release for weeks! I tried to think of the boys in the shower to raise my spirit but it didn’t work, I was too angry._

_It didn’t get any better this morning. I overslept and Irma texted me to remind me of the math exam at the first period. I felt dread. The math teacher is an epic jerk, very stiff. He was going to make me fail for sure if I didn’t show up. But I was still in my pj’s, and the exam was about to start in less than ten minutes. I went into emergency mode and called Donnie. Ok, I was still a little mad at Donatello, but he was the only one able to create a medical paper._

_I explained the situation and he faxed a medical note saying I got the mononucleosis and stipulating that I will do my homework and my exams from the house, when I will feel better. I’m on medical leave for a month! I could almost kiss Donnie!_

_I don’t know how he managed to allow me to do the exam at home, but I was glad and grateful. He said he would do my math exam for me, since he had nothing to do between training and lunch today. Now that I was free, I was able to do what the fuck I wanted. School wouldn’t call at home. I was wondering what I would do of my unexpected freedom when Donnie took the opportunity to ask me if I was ready for tonight. We would declare the score of each participant. I explained to Donnie that Casey was punished and couldn’t come, and then, my heart shriveled with rage when I read Donnie's answer._

_‘He will be there. He found a way to talk to Raph.’_

_WTF! Casey finds a way to contact Raph, but not me, his supposed girlfriend? He managed to sneak out, not for a date at the movie theater, but to boast to his buddy family with the points he earned from our game. Then I remembered that Casey can’t have points. We didn't do anything. He had to have the same score as the others. This contest turned me off about him. I don’t want that he does me for points. But I admit that even if he’s an asshole, I was longing for more. I'm 17 years old and I have strong desires lately. Maybe I should get more loose with him. But how to fool my father’s supervision?_

_Still November 29, a few hours later,_

_Donatello just brought me back. And I think that if I didn’t need someone to do my exams for the next month I wouldn’t talk to him anymore! Ok, I'm exaggerating, but barely. Let me tell you, dear Diary, about how guys, mutant or not, are filthy bastards._

_I arrived early at the lair. Since I hadn’t been to school and had neither study nor homework to do, I was bored and was there sooner than I usually am._

_The boys were having dinner. It was a quiet dinner, like a real family could have. In fact, Donnie and Leo were looking comfortable. Raph seemed nervous and Mikey restless. Donatello greeted me with a smile, but he didn’t get up to meet me like he uses to. Finally, I realized that lately he’s got distant. Six months ago, he would have rushed to me, but now, I was only getting a nod. He was still helpful and friendly, but differently. Ok, I should have been relieved that Donnie was less ecstatic about me. Plus, it was normal, I chose Casey over him! I can’t blame him, it was an understandable reaction. How many times have I gently pushed or discouraged him? But it made me all weird inside._

_He said that after the dinner, he was going to announce the results, waiting for Leo to finish his vegetable rice. I narrowed my eyes and asked if Casey was coming and Don said he called Raph to cancel, saying he had hockey selections, and having 0 points, as well as all the others, he didn’t see the urgency of coming._

_I frowned. And me, his girlfriend? I wasn’t an emergency maybe? He couldn’t go on a date with me but could do these damn hockey selections?_

_Leo pushed his plate back and stilted, he left the kitchen. Everyone followed the Kaiser. Don, who was jubilant, the son of a bitch, announced the winners._

_“In first place, we got Raphael, with fifteen points.”_

_Leo frowned. He was obviously pissed but it was Raph. Leo should have long accepted that he was doomed to not have absolute control over one sibling in the bunch._  
  
_Then, a boom would have stunned us less. An excited shiver ran down my back when I heard that Mikey managed to get five points._

_It was EPIC!_

_Leonardo - the guy who had missed his destiny to be a gigolo for anorgasmic woman to become only a master in ninjutsu (what a waste when you got natural talent) - unsheathed his katanas and in the living room, he shouted:_

_“Who dared!”_

_Okay, I changed my mind, Leo should be an actor. He looked more outraged than Mel Gibson in BraveHeart! The blue bandana added to the resemblance. I wonder if my own father would be that angry if I were raped._

_He pointed the end of his sword at me, asking if I was the culprit._

_I shook my head frantically, giving scared glances around me, wondering if I should hide._

_Five points was a kiss! Was Leo ready to cut someone up for a kiss? Damn, he was the one needing to enroll in an anger management program, not Raphael, like Donnie always says._

_Raph wasn’t angry a bit. He laughed and congratulated Mikey, who congratulated him back as the one leading the contest. It was stirring to see such a sportsmanship display._

_Donnie coughed to signaled he hadn’t finished._

_“And finally, Leonardo and Casey tied with a score of 0 points.”_

_Leo was livid. I wonder about what he was the most furious about; that someone had kissed his little brother or that he was last, no idea. Leo's way of thinking is often out of my grip._

_Mikey started annoying Leo, rubbing it in his face, in his ‘innocent’ and ‘so hard to punish’ way._

_‘Why are you mad? Don’t you want me to win? You're not proud of me? You don’t love me enough to wish that I win, etc.’_

_It was a cheap shot, but effective enough to calm the leader down. Leo loves his brothers and his weakness for Michelangelo is well-known. Saddening Mikey is a source of stress for Leo. He was going to reply when Raph added;_

_"No, Mikey, Fearless is just a sore loser!”_

_Leo and Raph always know how to flare up each other, in five seconds flat. I give them that._

_“This isn’t related!” Leo protested.”I can have 60 points in an hour if I want to!” he boasted with cockiness._

_I myself have witnessed Leo and Raph at each other’s throat so many times that it doesn’t impress me anymore. I barely restrained a yawn._

_Mikey, Leo's team, made a cheerleader of himself to cheer on his favorite brother, even if three minutes ago, he was congratulating Raph. Don, to balance, sported the red color and pushed the challenge further with a weighty argument._

_“Go ahead Leo. I don’t think you can beat Raphael's record by midnight tonight. It's a shame, because the faster you get to 100 points, the faster the contest is over and Mikey will be able to return to level up his level 75 Druid in World of Warcraft.”_  
  
_Leo looked like he had taken a decision. He walked with a long stride toward the exit, typing on his t-phone._

_“Raph, I'm going out,” he shouted without glancing at us. “Watch over Michelangelo.”_

_“Fuck you! I’m not babysitting your spoiled brat when you go I don’t know where!” Raph yelled back, jumping on his feet._

_Leo quickened his path and said something about counting on Raph to do it._

_Raph was ulcerated! He began flicking a beating at the blue practice dummy Leo got for his birthday. It was about twenty minutes he beaten the shit out of the poor dummy, when Raph’s thin control snapped._

_“Fuck this shit! I'm going to get him.”_

_“Calm down, Raph. It’s impossible for Leo to accumulate a score as huge as 60 points in such a short time. Besides, he didn’t take anything with him. The condoms I made to his size are still in my lab. He has no lube either. Without your object or lube, Leo can’t go very far,” Don commented idly, not giving a flying fuck about his brother’s anguish._

_I fidgeted on my chair. Customized condoms? Shit, I had to see that!_

_“Whatever you say, brainiac! April, Watch the kid, I'm off!”_

_I didn’t have time to say anything, Mikey had been handed over to me. But why the hell me and not Don? Maybe because Leo knows about Donnie’s weird hobbies?_

_Donatello didn’t look upset that a stranger had been picked up over him to watch his baby brother._

_He even smiled at me in a complice way._

_“Do you want to see the condoms I made? I want your opinion on the texture. I really need a lady’s input.”_

_I was very grateful that Donnie figured that I was curious, didn’t judge me and gave me an excuse to satisfy that said curiosity._

_I followed him to the lab, leaving Mikey with his videogame. Anyway, what was Leo’s deal? Mikey is the same damn age as him. It was like he would burn the lair to the ground._

_In the lab, Donnie handed me what I thought were knee-high sheer hosiery. (I always wanted knee socks, but my father says its vulgar and is asking for a gang bang rape. He is so old-fashioned.)_

_“Leo’s are vanilla flavored,” Don said, waving one under my nose. “Raph’s, strawberry. Mikey's, I was thinking about cotton candy. I didn’t decide for myself. Maybe mochaccino? What would be your favorite taste?” he asked, obviously teasing me._

_I was speechless and turned on and terrified. When Donnie was talking about forearm and calf it wasn’t a figure of speech!_

_It was the real size of the thing. I swear Diary. The pink one could have made ball gloves for my prom, for fuck sake!_

_Now, I won’t be able to have sex with a regular guy anymore without feeling like I’m fucking a lawn gnome. Don just broke me._

_When he decided I was shocked enough and it wasn't funny anymore, he dragged me back in the living room, because 'you are on a watch duty, April and Leo isn't joking with duties, you know that.'_

_We chatted quietly, back in the living room. Mikey was too engrossed in his game to listen to us. I tried to find out who kissed Mikey, but Mikey said he wasn’t kissing and tell and Don was obviously wanting I snap enough to actually beg on my knees._

_Then Leonardo came back. He looked fondly at his youngest, who greeted him happily and whispered something to Donnie who was smiling and nodding._

_“A double hit? Impressive!”_

_Donnie announced that Leo had forty points._

_I widened my eyes. Shit, how could Leo have gone so far so fast? To make matters worse, I received a text from Raph, distraught, looking for Leo across all the city. I replied that he was at home with 40 more points, already excited about the incoming drama._

_Ten minutes later, a very pissed Raph arrived. His head and shoulders were wet and I understood that it had started snowing._

_“Dojo. No weapons,” he shouted at Leo, making a beeline to the dojo himself._

_Leo turned around and gave Mikeya brief order._

_“T-Pod"_

_Immediately, obedient, Mikey put on his headphones._

_On the spot, I didn’t understand, then, after the doors of the Dojo were locked the screams in Japanese began. It was frightening but the pure Michelangelo didn’t hear anything. I found it both pathetic and touching to see Leo’s cares for him. But I know first hand it sucks to be overprotected sometimes._

_After ten minutes, the screams stopped and a few minutes later, the strangest sound came out of the Dojo. It vaguely sounded like Raph. Was he hurt? Raph was the type of guy to lose a shitload of blood without a whimper. Leo would never push to hurt one of his brothers!_

_I asked Donnie what it was and if we should check on them._

_He didn’t even lift his head from my algebra homework._

_“Hum? I didn’t hear anything. Perhaps, Mikey's stomach. This kid is always starving.”_

_I hate when Donnie bullshits me. I didn’t really have time to be indignant that Raph and Leo came out. Raphael was calm, looking relaxed like he had smoked weed, and he said he was going to bed. Leo's face was even more neutral than usual. I was bewildered._

_Leo insisted for Don to pay me for Mikey’s babysitting. I tried to refuse, but Leo forced the $10 banknote in my hand, telling me he hoped it was the usual wage babysitters have. I said I did nothing worth of $10 and Don deserves to keep his money for doing my homework. He told me not to feel bad about it, that it would be taken from Raph’s allowance, since he didn’t fulfill his big brother’s duty. At this point, I just shut up and put the banknote in my bag._

_Don offered to accompany me home. I accepted. I harassed him all the way about how Leo had got his points, what had happened in the Dojo, how Mikey had got 5 points, whether Leo would order Don to make Mikey a chastity device, and so on._

_Donnie smiled at me and told me to do some math in my head to deduce which activities could lead to 40 points. He told me that it wasn't a listed choice but Leo could have a creative mind, like a good leader should have._

_“He coaxed Karai to do a sixty-nine?” I exclaimed, remembering Don’s comments about the ‘double-hit’!”_

_He just nodded and I knew I guessed right. My mind full of erotic images, I didn’t even realize we were in front of my house._

_“We have arrived home, April. Thank you for your concern about my brothers. I thought something more ... worrying would catch your attention!”_

_“Damn!” I exclaimed excitedly. “Leo and Karai have made a 69! What news can beat that ..._

_And there Don said to me ... and my pen tears the paper sheet when I think about it:_

_“Casey is at 0, not -10, anymore.”_

 


	7. Incompatibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less funny, but each day couldn't happy

_Wednesday, 30, November._

_I cried all night. I couldn’t even call Case for him to justify himself. But this morning, after a horrible night spent moping and a skipped breakfast, I received a text from Donatello._  
  
_‘You know April, I thought about it again, maybe Case didn’t remember who was going to -10. This might just be a misunderstanding.’_

_Geez, thank you, Donnie, for this late consolation, after I cried my soul out for twelve hours. Now, that he told me that, I know it was sensible. I misunderstood it because of the way Donnie announced it to me, my emotional barometer just snapped. But Don is a too clever son of a bitch to not have thought about it BEFORE having to tell me. This little asshole just did it on purpose because he’s still pissed I chose Casey! I didn’t respond to Don and I decided to not hang out at the lair for a few days._

_I made a woman out of myself and I went to see Casey, but nobody answered when I rang at the bell door. What could I do? I went back home. I didn’t call Irma either, out of spite. It’s because of this little snitch that everything started. My other friends are Irma’s as well. I couldn’t call any of them. Then I got tired of moping at home alone. Since I couldn’t hang out with humans, I decided to text the next best thing._

_“Hey, Raph. Are you bored without Case? I still have some cigarettes. Do you want to drink a beer and have a smoke on the rooftops? Maybe I could even give you some points (sexy emoticon)?”_

_Raph isn’t usually my first choice, but we get along. I know I shouldn’t be mad at Donnie, but I can’t help myself. I feel like he’s glad that my relationship with Casey isn’t perfect and it makes me sad._

_The fact was that everything was making me sad and empty and like an unworthy piece of shit. According to Donnie, Raph is acting like a raging bull because he’s a wounded big softie, trying not to look like an emo kid. I supposed he could understand me. I was hurt and that was the only reason for my offer. Even if he didn’t know it, I wanted to take revenge on Casey. I wanted to hurt him as he was hurting me, by his indifference. Whatever if he cheated on me or not to get fucking points, he was still texting Raph and not me. What was so great about Raph?_  
  
_It took about twenty minutes for Raph to send back a really enthusiastic reply._

_‘K’._

_Raph isn’t a guy, to begin with. He is crude, he is rude, he has an attitude. Everyone knows it, but the tone seemed rather terse for the proposed activity. I was a little insulted. I had offered to Raph to indulge in his two vices!_   
_Well, even if he ‘smokes’ only by spite. I watched him once. He doesn’t inhale the smoke. He only put it into his beak for the show. The first time I saw him smoke, with the cigarette both me and Casey stole to our fathers, I was thinking he wanted to impress me or Casey. You know, to look like a badass. But Case told me that what Raph really wanted was the tobacco stench._

_Yes, dear Diary, the fake smoking is only to piss off Leonardo, like everything Raph does. He knew he would come back, smelling of smoke and Leo would be furious._

_But I do believe he genuinely likes to drink, because he isn’t less boasting about it. I saw him a few time completely wasted and trying to walk straight, passing by Leo who was waiting for him. But Leo wasn’t fooled a bit and since then, he had to submit to the breathalyzer Don made when he came back to the lair, because binge drinking could be fatal. This is the reason why Leo got more severe on this. If Raph is too wasted, he could be seen or followed. The booze would also slow down his reflex if he is attacked._

_Raphael could curse, kick and yell, he still had to do the test. If he got more than a certain quantity of booze in his blood, he got ‘punished' and that seems to scare the shit out of Raph, because since the breathalyzer, he drank less. I have no fucking idea what kind of punition Leo could invent, but I don’t want to find out, especially if even Raph is afraid of it._

_But what I know for sure is that these two siblings put much more care to piss each other off than Casey does to please me!_

_What the fuck was Raph’s problem, with his ‘k’ as an answer! I suggested the possibility of having something sexual! Which guy would not have jumped in with glee? I suggested that to feel better and now I was feeling even more down!_

_Was the difference in points between Leo and him discouraging him so much? Or was I just a lot less entertaining than Casey? No idea, but I almost regretted my invitation._

_Raph arrived late._

_“Little prick bastard didn’t want to let me go!”_

_This allusion to Leo (no need to ask who the prick bastard was) reminded me of the previous day. I wanted to change my mind, and satisfying my curiosity was a great start for it. Before, I asked if he had any news about my so-called boyfriend._

_“He’s still grounded ‘till Friday.”_

_“Did he tell you about me?”_

_“Nope.”_

_I talked a little about me and the current situation._

_Raph was even less talkative than usual. I asked him if that was ok. He drew a long puff and told me that he would refuse to answer any questions about Leonardo._

_“Who said that I want to talk to you about him?” Damn, how did he find out, I was wondering._

_He narrowed his eyes in a way to mean ‘don’t fuck with me, bitch’_

_“Brainiac says y’are pretty obsessed with Fearless lately”_

_“No, not with Leo specifically,” I denied. “Only with your family dynamics.”_

_Raph snorted at this._

_“What does the size of his dick have to do with those so-called family dynamics?”_

_Shit! I was busted!_

_“It was pure human girl curiosity, ok?” I tried to explain. I should have been very flushed at this point. “I’m not interested in Leo that way.”_

_He got angry at this, yelling that in fact, I should admit once and for once that human girls couldn’t be interested in turtles’ cocks and tell his moronic brothers at the same._

_He was so mad that he inhaled the smoke and choked on it._

_He took a swing of Corona and when he seemed to breathe normally, I asked him what he was so angry about._

_“I'm not angry. Only... sometimes I regret that we met you. Not that you're not cool,” he was quick to add. “You see it's like this damn seaweed. Since we tasted pizza, we couldn’t go back to seaweed, do you understand?”_

_It must have been the tobacco that made Raph so deep. He rarely said more than two sentences in a row. I felt that if I pulled a little bit, a big piece of the mystery would come off._

_“I'm really sorry... But I think Donnie seems to have accepted what I said… You know?”_

_“Whatever if he accepted it or not!” Raph snapped. “Donnie's disease is contagious. He infected the whole damn house. It was bad enough for him to infect Leo, mister Judge Jury and Fucksecutioner. That jackass lays down the law so hard I used to think that was how he gets off. I swear since Master Splinter is dead, Leo thinks he's like Moses coming down from the mountain. If even his mind's that dirty... Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it. Leonardo wants us to act as if nothing happened, and Donnie warned me you'd try to get me to spill the beans. I’m not a snitch like your friend!”_

_So there really was a secret somewhere... He continued a little, saying that I didn’t really understand their situation. That knowing me was both a blessing and a curse. That he and his brothers could no longer be happy, even if I brought them joy. I was dizzy, probably from the cigarette. I don’t like to smoke either. I do it only to spite my father, even if I wash my hands at home to not get caught. I guess I’m maybe more similar to Raph than I think, since I felt like the beer was doing some good. I was less upset than earlier. I asked him what he meant. He didn’t answer, thanked me for the cigarette and the beer and told me he had to go back before his big brother turns worried. I held it for a moment._

_“You know Raph, Leo can’t control your life forever. Nothing prevents you to stop listening to him or leave. When I’ll be done with University, I won’t stay with my father.”_

_“What am I supposed to do on my own? There ain't no way Donnie or Mikey would go against Leo. No turtle left behind, that's the rule. We will live and die together. There ain't no other option. You gotta be fucking delusional to think otherwise!” he growled. I was speechless. Raphael never opened up to me before. I'm not sure it's something he would do for anybody._

_“Even Donnie knows our entire life is a dead end. But Leo can’t break Mikey's heart... Do you know that kid is supposed to still believe in Santa Claus? Leo won't let us ‘ruin his childlike innocence’," Raph sneered. “Childlike innocence, my ass! I know that little fucker stole the porn mags Casey lent me!”_

_What porn mags, I wanted to ask, but I didn’t have the time. Raph was on a roll._

_“You know why he spoils that brat so much? Leonardo's dying to have his own kids, but he knows he'll never have one. So he puts all his pent up daddy issues on Mikey. Mikey will be 40 years old and Leo will still buy him action figures! He will still hide eggs at Easter! He will tuck him in at night! He will always forgive - fucking ANYthing! Do you know that Leo gets cards on Mother's Day AND Father's Day since Master Splinter died? And - AND - fucking Kodomo no Hi, brothers day! We all know Mikey just puts on an act to get his way with Fearless, but Leo is...”_

_There I interrupted Raph in what seemed like an absurd jealousy tantrum. Even though I had no idea who exactly he was jealous of; Leo who loved Mikey or Mikey who loved Leo._

_“What makes you think that Leo wants kids? And why couldn’t he?”_

_I didn’t name Karai. Raph blows a gasket each time someone speaks this name._

_“You understand fuckall, don’t you, Red?” he snapped. “Fearless would split a girl right down the middle! He can fine-tune his foreplay all he wants, but sooner or later you've gotta lay pipe,” he spat. “We're not biologically compatible with human females! You must have noticed! We're a different goddamn animal! Whether he likes it or not! You should hear him preach about "overcoming the body" or courtly love or bullshit like that, but he's fucking kidding himself. Even Donnie understood! But not Leo, this smoochy dumbass!”_

_Anger was rising. And I wasn’t sure I understood. He regretted that they met me? Without me, there were a lot of things they couldn’t do or have! And Raph wouldn’t swallow down his fourth beer, to begin with._

_Raph threw the cigarette away and I realized that for the last minutes, he had smoked it for real._

_“You wouldn’t understand …” he uttered bitterly._

_Then, he disappeared, leaving me perplexed. I was even more curious but I think I'll leave the guys alone for a moment. Anyway, I have my own issues to settle with Casey!_

 


	8. A Way of Enlightenment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pic by lovely NeatTea

__

 

 _Friday, December 2nd. Am_  
_Donatello texted me to ask for my help. That happens so rarely, that I didn’t have any choice but to answer even though I was still furious with him. Then, well, I must admit that when he asked for my help, the favor in question was too exciting to pass up. I still wonder if Donnie decided to ask for my help just so I would forgive him._

_‘Hi April, are you gonna be here for the score update? Casey will be... I hope to see you, because I need your assistance. I mean, Leo does. And apart from you, nobody can help him.’_

_So, I bit, because no matter what I said to Raph the day before yesterday, I'm starting to carry a little torch for the leader in blue. It’s not my fault. No jury would convict me because of a dream my subconscious chose for me. Donnie is the one to blame, with these customized condoms he showed off in my face. I decided to pick apart his question, because I know Donnie too well. I need to know what favor is before I commit. He is capable of using me as a drug mule, and I would end up in some Mexican jail._

_“Okay, Donnie. What’s the deal?”_

_"I don’t know if I told you, but Leonardo is a famous author.”_

_I didn’t say anything to that. My ability to be surprised is coming down at a fast pace since I know them._

_“Leo wrote a book that has been published. Its turned into a best-seller, actually. You have to go get his paycheck. You are his agent, ” Don told me._

_It was pretty weird, but Leo is a serious guy, always reading old dusty books. I guessed he could have written something like ‘365 Fortune Cooking sayings for every day of the year’._

_“Okay ... where do I have to go?” I said._

_“To an erotic shop. I will give you the address. Its on 37th street, and the place has pink curtains,” Don explained and I remembered what Mikey had said about this place. There was a back alley where Leo had been doing something else than fighting crime. I felt all warm recalling the details._

_“At the same time, you will be able to pick up a package in his name. He has to test new products.” Don continued with no mercy at all for me. This guy wanted me, sweet innocent virginal me, to enter this sinful place and even touch the products. I could boast to my friends what it looked like inside! But there was a bummer._

_“Wait, I’m a minor,” I squeaked. “They won’t let me into the shop!”_

_“Just say you are Leonardo Hamato’s agent. His name will make them roll out the red carpet more certainly Hugh Hefner himself. I’m sorry to ask you to do this, and I would understand if it scared off a nice girl like you...” he teased me with his smug face I hate so much!_

_I pulled myself together, mentally slapping myself._

_That made him shut up. I just thought of something!_

_“That's how Leo was able to offer such a nice birthday present to Raph! That's how you managed to get such crazy sex objects, too!” I guessed._

_“You know, April, we must not reveal all our mysteries at once. Otherwise, you would have no reason to come back to us!” Don sneered._

_“You really think like a psychopath.”_

_I didn’t really know if I should take him seriously or not... But I didn’t care. Leo had written an erotic book, and it must have been the most important publication since the Bible. Now that I knew it wasn’t philosophical, or about Ancient Japan, I was very excited to read it. This book must have more important revelations than the FBI files about the JFK shooting. In any case, sexier ones certainly. Now, I’ll stop there to do this errand._

_Still December 2:_

_I went to the shop, where I was given a paycheck in an envelope and a box. The manager (I couldn’t tell for sure their gender) obviously worshipped the writer of this book. They asked me when ‘Sensei’ would agree to give a seminar to his disciples. I didn’t know how to answer that. But I know for SURE that if Master Splinter could hear in his grave that Leo was called a Sensei because of his sex tips, he would have a second stroke. Was Leonardo such a genius sex guru? How he could be?_

_According to Donnie and himself (and even Raph who seemed to be watching him as closely as a guardian angel) he was a virgin. How, if you have no experience, can you write something so convincing? I looked around in the shop for a few minutes, searching the bookstore section. I finally came across the bestseller in question._

_‘Sexual Union as Nirvana: a Way of Enlightenment’_

_I doubted Don’s story for a moment. How could such an unsexy title have made this book sell more than 900,000 copies across America?_

_But shit, I was curious, and I bought it. Let me tell you something, Diary: never has $60 been so wisely invested._

_I didn’t read all of it. Oh no. This is the kind of book that you have to enjoy slowly. You read, you learn, you assimilate. You turn into a believer, thinking that maybe life is not only about taking the crowded subway to go work to buy more shit. It made me believe that paradise was reachable from the start, hidden somewhere in us. I’m not sexually active yet, but just by the sensation I got from reading, I knew I was ready._

_Fifty years ago, Leo’s book would have been on a black list. In Ancient Greece, the bigot from Athens would have forced him to drink hemlock for corrupting the youth. In Alabama, they’d burn the book and then Leo, maybe not in that order. For me, it was evident. Leo was on an even footing with his beloved Sun Tzu. This book, the Art of Love, would be a classic for centuries._

_I couldn’t resist anymore. I put Leo’s paycheck envelope in front of the light to see without opening it. I wanted to know how the universe had rewarded him for his revelation to mortals how to have an amazing sex life. To my opinion, it was too little for his talent, but now this rich son of a bitch had better to pay me more than $10 to babysit his brother!_

_Finally, I opened the box of objects to test, and my mind was so filled with erotic images that I needed to get off. I followed Leo’s advice for tantric masturbation, and I was almost afraid that I had a seizure when the orgasm hit me._

_After a solid twenty minutes of afterglow, I packed everything up so it would look untouched. Then, for a brief moment, I thought of dying my hair black and giving myself a piercing to look like Karai. Damn, why should she be the only one who gets so lucky?_

* * *

 

 _December 2nd pm._  
_At first, I was wondering how I would be able to look Leo in the eyes. Donnie greeted me with an air of ‘I know what you did’, but I didn’t give a shit. I know the little fucker sent me on purpose, knowing he would mess with my head even more. I handed him the box and the envelope, and he carelessly dropped the 78,965$ check on his desk._

_“Thank you, April. We were about to get short on money again. The last check was four months ago.”_

_I thought, if they got around 80,000 buck three times a year and only ate pizza, how the fuck could they be short on money? There’s no greedy landlords in the sewer! I looked around and noticed all the new geek stuff and tech that nerd Don got. There was probably my answer._

_He told me that this was Leo’s second book, when I asked him about it. The first one was called ‘The Art of Physical Pleasure: Service and Adherence to the Laws of Love.’ He told me he could get me a copy autographed by Leo himself. I wasn’t sure if Don was bullshiting me or not, so I tried very hard to look not too interested. To be too enthusiastic would be admitting I bought a copy and read it. I still feel uneasy sometimes around Donatello. I couldn’t admit a suspicious interest towards his brother._

_“Leo seems very skilled… uh, in writing. And well, very knowledgeable about sex. I still don’t get how he could teach about a topic if he never experimented.”_

_Donatello started talking about Pythagoras and Copernicus knowing the Earth was round without having been in a spaceship, and only by the gleam in his eyes, I know he was getting off on my wonder, and so I shut up._

_Casey hadn’t arrived and the atmosphere was tense in the living room. Leo was so stern and stiff - well, his usual familiar self, that I forgot for a moment that he was the transcendent author who had given me the best orgasm of my life._

_Mikey was only talking about the contest like he had needed this recognition from the day of his birth. He asked me if I knew the score, since ‘Donnie and you are so close’. I’m not that close to Donnie. Not anymore. At last report, Leo led with 40 points. As far as I’m concerned, he should have been disqualified. It was like Hercules competing in a featherweight wrestling match, or Einstein at a high school science fair. The dice were loaded. You can’t have the biggest junk AND the science of art on your side. It wasn’t a fair game. Casey arrived. Surprisingly, I was even less moved than I would have thought at his appearance. He wanted to kiss me, but I avoided him. We had things to say, in my book, before swapping spit._

_Donnie made us sit down. I could see that Leonardo was nervous, but I didn’t understand why. It was as laughable as an eagle worrying about an anthill, in my humble opinion. Donnie, after taking the competitors with him to his lab, announced the score. I was on pins and needles. Was Casey at -10 or 0?_

_“Leonardo, 40 points, Raphael, 40 points. Michelangelo, 25 points …” Don enumerated._

_Of course, we must record an interruption: a shout of outraged bewilderment, katana sweeping through the air and part of the couch, threats of evisceration, Mikey complaining that Leo wasn’t happy for him, Raph complaining that Leo was only worrying about Mikey when it was him - Raphael! - who was tied with Leonardo. The very predictable usual routine._

_I only wanted to hear Casey’s score, and when I heard he was at -10, it was like an oxygen mask. Yet ... I think that somewhere it didn’t have as much effect as it should have had._  
_Vodka shooters were given for each five points that all participants got. I had to drink eight half juice and half vodka screwdrivers while I had no points, since I got Leo’s. I accepted the offering with a lot of respect. I remembered a snippet from Leo about about ‘one could not be in the haze of alcohol and the haze of carnal pleasure at once; the choice must be made between the altars of Venus or Bacchus.’ A little profane image for a buddhist, but he got his point across, didn’t he? Anyway, since I wasn’t planning to have sex tonight without a serious talk, I decided that being wasted was something fun to do._

_I didn’t notice the glasses of the others, except Mikey, who had to remain empty in spite of his outraged protests about he should have five._

_The rest of the evening was spent watching Raph and Leo shout at each other, while Casey shamelessly caressed my thighs on the sofa. He was drunk, because Raph took pity on him and filled his glass a few times. Leo was trying to avoid Raphael's provocations in order to extract information about Michelangelo, without success. He wanted the truth about the identity of the betrayer who had molested his little brother. Leo is never as intriguing as when he is plagued by the torment of not being in perfect control of his entire environment. To see him struggling like a devil in holy water is a very entertaining show, it never gets old. While I watched them in full argument, vehement and passionate, I noticed that I wiped my mouth for probably the umpteenth time. Every gesture Leo made reminded me of a sentence from his damn book, and made me both salivate and spread my legs, even unconsciously. It was almost to a point that I wanted to isolate myself to get another climax like earlier._

_This guy shouldn’t be in the same room as a girl, under penalty of making an uncontrollable nymphomaniac. Then, Casey brutally brought me back to cold reality:_  
_“You know, babe...We have to get past second base.... Raph said he’d help us out and lend us his room.”_  
_It took me several seconds to process that information._

 _“You're kidding! Raph wants to win this contest!”_  
_“Nah! He doesn’t want Leo to win, that’s all. You know how they are. Whatever, c’mon, I’m horny babe. I want to show you a great time, and show these mutants Casey Jones ain’t a loser.”_

_It wasn’t exactly romantic, but I felt a heat inside me, probably the aftereffects of manual of the perfect lover Hamato Leonardo wrote. I glanced at him, scolding Don for “pimping” his white cranberry juice with alcohol. Leo had a great start to make sex into a religion and enlist hundreds of thousands of disciples. Women would fight over him to be his High Priestess. How he could be so stuck-up in real life, wasting his youth doing something as sterile as fighting crime? It was mindbending._

_But..._

_That mysterious gap between his icy exterior and what must be a very passionate lover was too hot!_

_I couldn’t focus on anything else, and Casey had to see how randy I felt, because he took my hand and dragged me into Raph's room. I was still lost in my thoughts while his lips caressed my clit through my panties._

_“You’re already so wet! Guess I turn you on,” Casey told me with a cheesy-ass wink._

_I couldn’t say that I was under the influence of a cult leader who, under the facade of Buddhism, preached licentiousness. I just spread my thighs more, showing off the dripping red hair clearly visible under the thin white cotton that had become almost translucent. I should have shaved, I thought. I don’t have that much hair, but I usually take it all off. Don told me it’s a health hazard, because pubic hair is useful. Usually I call him a hippy, and I told him I don’t want to look like some Woodstock stoner. Leo had mentioned something about the virtues of hair in his book, and now my beliefs about it were weakened._

_What can I said , I was distracted despite Casey being busy down there._  
_His fingers stroked over my panties and I was just thinking of Leo's teachings. Casey didn’t do it the right way, not like Leo had explained to Mikey. Now that I think about it, does that make Mikey already a better lover than my boyfriend? Shit._

 _My mind wandered. If we were in Raph's room, where was Raph going to sleep? This idea turned me on me more than any of my boyfriend's caresses. For me, it was certain that living in the same place as the supreme god of sex, I will take advantage of it and sneak into his bed. But I wasn’t Leo’s sibling to think that way... Raph could make it his personal life goal to be noticed by his brother, that doesn’t mean he would suck Leo’s cock to catch his eye. I was thinking those thoughts when cold water poured over me at the same time as an alarm bell rang._  
_Drenched, Casey and I ran out of the room, and Donnie apologized for the false fire alarm. It was only a test. Casey cursed a lot, calling Donnie a sneaky bitch and sore loser but I didn’t mind being interrupted. Raph, Leo and Mikey were storming out of another room together, drenched too. That meant all three of them were sleeping on Leo’s very narrow futon, and it was enough to fuel my fantasies until college. I’ll put down my pen now. I have more important things to do with my ten fingers for the moment._

* * *

  
_Saturday, December 3rd,_  
_I’m down with the flu, probably due to yesterday's rain in the lair, whatever Don says about the flu not being caught this way. I think Donnie, that filthy little schemer, really had something to do with the interruption. Casey was really angry. I don’t know what he did after I left. I thought he would have wanted to continue in an alley, but no, he wanted to stay with Raph, his best friend. If I didn’t know Casey and Raph as well as I do, I'd call that suspicious. But hey, Casey is kinda homophobic, which annoys me by the way, so I don’t think he's the kind of guy to be friends with benefits with Raph. On the other hand, Raph has always proclaimed his attraction for girls... a little too much now that I think about it. Anyway, assuming he wasn’t bisexual to begin with, I don’t blame him for changing his tune. Being so close to Leonardo every day would convert Donald Trump._

_Shit, after I was the one who found Donnie crazy about fantasizing about someone who was not his species (me), I’ve spent the last ten days obsessed with the Hamato brothers, especially one. It’s like Don did it on purpose. What are all these innuendos he throws at me? It's as if they were all trying to provoke me: this contest, these comments, the condoms he shook under my nose, the damn book! Is Donnie doing some kind of unhealthy experimentation on me? He wants to see how hard to push before I snap and fall for him?_

_Anyway, I’ve decided to expand my social circle a little. I’ve invited an old friend for a sleepover this weekend, and she’ll come hang out for the afternoon and have dinner. It will do me good to have some time with girl vibes. I can’t talk to anyone about Casey. My father hates him, and I can’t really talk about him with the turtles either. Emmy should arrive within an hour. I haven’t seen her since she moved nearly two years ago, not long after I met the guys._

* * *

 

 _Sunday, 2h am._  
_Shit. Today is the day I decided to dump my dignity in the garbage and drag myself on hands and knees and kiss the feet of the turtles. Let me explain._

_Emmy, my friend, is a little younger than me. Well, just about eight months, but she looks like she has just barely been touched by puberty. She is in love with a boy at her high school, but she fears ‘intimacy’. I tried to reassure her and explained to her that knowing her body, her limits and her reactions, and communicating her knowledge to her partner was almost a guarantee. She asked me to explain all of that to her, and I started to go into the details. I’ll skip all our conversation to go to the key point of the case:_

_Emmy doesn’t know where her clitoris is. She knows the thing exists, and told me shamefully how she’d looked two or three times in the last month, but she sincerely believes she doesn’t have one. Maybe a birth defect, she told me, like the piece was on back-order or something._  
_Not bursting with laughter was the greatest achievement of my life. I calmly shrugged,_

_“Oh, Emmy, relax and I'll show you. No need for a GPS, you'll see …”_

_She refused. I insisted. And that became frankly ridiculous, because she was protecting herself with a pillow. The situation bothered me, and I said it was too bad for her. She apologized, but she said she was too shy to show her private parts like that. She confessed to me that she had visited blogs on the net, but that she found nothing that addressed her concerns. She wanted to please her boyfriend, but on the other hand, none of that was supported by the education she had received. For her, sex was taboo. Dirty. I could understand, we received substantially the same education._

_“I need the advice of a reserved person like me, who understand this push and pull between the desire that I have and …”_

_I didn’t listen to the rest of her whining, I was bored for a while, regretting to have invited her to sleep over, but there I had just had an idea. In a frenzy, I pulled out my T-phone. This was a job for Tantric Sex Master._

_“Hey! Leo, it's April. Look, I have a friend who has problems, and I know that innocent damsels in distress are totally your scene.”_

_Despite Emmy's furious denials, claiming she couldn’t talk to a boy about her problems, I put the phone in her hands, saying Leo was a trustworthy person and the dean of the sexology department of New York State University. Nervously, she took the phone and went to the bathroom._

_I heard them whispering indistinct things and laughing under my breath. No matter what came out of this phone call, it was going to make me laugh for sure. I also imagined Leo's panicky face talking sex on the phone to a stranger and Emmy confiding the problem of clitoral localization to a male stranger. My mocking smile disappeared when I heard a groaning crescendo, punctuated by the loudest moan I've ever heard in my life._

_I went to the door frantically to find out what was going on. She opened the door and hung up the phone, saying "Thank you, Leo, that was great!" Her face was transfigured by orgasm._  
_“What did he tell you?” I asked. The change was too drastic. There was some witchcraft here._

_“I can show you if you want.”_

_Four hours later, this nympho has just let me go. Before bedtime, she asked, "Is your boyfriend Leo single?” I thought of some unethical responses, like calling Leo and changing my voice so that he tells me what he said to Emmy to turn this prudish nun-in-training into Messalina, but he's clever and I'll look like a dummy. How the fuck he could be that great while living 17 years in the sewer with three siblings and a rat master? If it didn’t feel wrong to speak ill of the dead, I would say Master Splinter taught Leo other things than ninjutsu and meditation._

_Tonight, to hell with politeness or pride, I won’t leave the lair without getting to the bottom of this. I will know Leo’s secret._

 

 

  



	9. Gloomy Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> picture by Momo

 

__

_Sunday, December 4th._

_I just reread my entry from this morning. Damn, I was optimistic. I should have known that with fucking ninjas, it couldn’t get smoothly. So, here is what I learned today. After kicking Emmy out, who desperately wanted to snatch my T-Phone to find Leo's number, I decided I couldn’t wait for the night to find out what Leo told her. I was going crazy with all the assumptions my imagination created._

_So I arrived at the lair at 1:30 pm and I immediately regretted my impulsive decision. It wasn’t very strategic to interrupt the turtles in the middle of the Sacred Boardgame Sunday afternoon. First, one thing that I know as surely as the hiding place of my dad’s porn magazines, is that even if Leonardo could be a sex guru, he’s still a tyrant and a freaking boring one. I thought I knew enough about it because of the countless complaints that Raph tells Casey and also about how Mikey looks like he can’t take a piss without asking for permission. Shit, I wouldn’t even be surprised if Mikey ends up stuffing Leo’s corpse after his death as the guy did with his mother in Psycho. He’s too used to have Leo breathing on his neck! But, damn if I was expecting to be at the receiving end of his royal anger._

_I tumbled in the middle of a Monopoly game. I couldn’t choose a more untimely moment. Let me explain. Leo is a turtle who likes his routine. Every damn day of the week is scheduled quarter turn and this mania has strengthened after the death of their father. In a desperate attempt to keep his family together, he stifles them with "traditions". Louis XIV was no different, I swear to you, Diary. He organizes his brothers’ schedule every minute of their freaking life to stifle any idea of independence in the bud. For example, there are patrols four nights a week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday from 10 pm to 2 am. Wednesday night is the "electronic entertainment" night. They can; listen to music or play video games. Friday is movie night. On Sunday night, they are supposed to have a ‘free evening’, it's also the only day when they’re supposed to have training from 8 to 10:30, but Leo retaliates by keeping them under control all afternoon to play board games. Raph FUCKING HATES these afternoons, but he doesn’t have the balls to do something else than to complain about it to Casey. So, Leo was counting and handing over the paper bills to his bored brothers when I arrived._

_The leader raised his usual poker-face towards me._

_“April? How come we have the pleasure of your company so early? Do you need anything?”_

_Just at his tone, I knew it was polite bullshit and that he was annoyed by my presence. But I’m not one of his baby brothers to back down._

_Donnie, all smiles, put his two-cents._

_“Indeed, what's up for you to visit us so soon? Did you come to play with us?”_   
_I know this jerk knew why I was there, and I wondered if Leo was mad at me for the phone call. But I wasn’t even free to ask a question._

_“Cut the crap, Donnie!” I told him sharply. “You know why I'm here. I'm sick of your little psychological games! Stop messing with me and tell me what it is about? Is it a prank?”_

_I saw the annoyance in Leo's sapphire eyes, but, as a gentleman, he politely commanded me to sit down and close my potty mouth if I wanted to play with them. And crap, I obeyed, out of survival instinct, I think. It wasn’t what I wanted to do at all, but he gave off such natural authority vibes, that it almost makes you scream ‘Yes, Sir!’ to everything he says. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the massive cock he's carrying. I need to read Freud again (by ‘again’, I mean going further than the first ten pages) if the size of his dick gives him the assurance that he has the right to scold everyone, but it doesn’t matter. I still sat, shut up and I took the fake money he gave me, like a little bitch, as incredible as it may sound._

_At the end of the first turn, I barely restrained myself from not hitting my forehead against the table, because I was already bored to death. It amazed me that a guy as impatient as Raph, as hyperactive as Mikey and as busy as Don agreed to waste time to play this stupid game when they could openly have a gang bang. Ok, this might be just me projecting my own fantasies, but still, they could do more useful things (Donnie still didn’t make the damn permanent depilatory cream I asked a year ago. What is IQ serves for?)_

  
_They were all terrified like toddlers to displease their all-powerful big brother. But why? It's not like he can starve or beat them, right? Leonardo, for his own damn survival, needs Mikey’s cooking skill and Raph is stronger than him. What magical influence could he enslave them into the point of having them sitting there like a bunch of stoned zombies? Leo was the kind of guy that spends hours with his stallion pawn in his hand, pondering whether or not he was going to buy ‘Reading Railroad’, scaffolding strategies to win the prize for the best real estate speculator of this imaginary world. I made a comment about how it wasn’t biggy if he buys it or not, and I got an ‘everything is a matter thought and no decision can be taken lightly’ as answer. The other three were struggling hard to not sneer, as not to grieve Mr. Parker Brother._

_If I didn’t know the guy who compose ‘Gloomy Sunday’, (the song you listen once and kill yourself afterward according to urban legend) was already dead, I would say he had composed it while playing board guard with Leo._

_It was boring crap, but the game only lasted for an hour because none of the brothers put any effort into it, except for the eldest who naturally won. I was thinking of leaving and I was getting up when he told me not to move, unless a natural need forced me to go to the bathroom or I wanted to go home. I blinked and didn’t believe it when I saw him pushing a game of Clue towards us._   
_I guess my face was the same as a Roman soldier’s one when Caligula asked them to pick up shells. Why was he using his authority for this! His brother and my own lack of enthusiasm were very obvious at this point, and I barely restrained myself from asking if I could call my lawyer before being locked up again around an endless board game._   
_I was torn: should I run away and cross a red X on every Sunday of the calendar to never forget not to come back that day and never know the secret of Leo, or stay in this mutant retirement home and have a chance to know? Cursed be curiosity._

_I decided not to let Leo win this one. He’s got sore loser vibes too. Maybe if he’d lose he would just drop it and talk about the reason why I was there and by that, I mean his sex life. If he wanted me to play as a payment to know, then I would (I didn’t regret yet my $60 for the book), but I swore to put some fictitious resistance on the board of Mr. Body's house if I couldn’t do in reality._

_It had been an hour, and I was almost amused between the jaded little bros’ faces and the determined one of the leader. And there, Diary, I did what I often do: put my foot in my mouth._

_I found a kind of sexy glow in Leo’s eyes and I imagined him having this solely focused look while having merciless sex. I was almost sure to know who had killed the victim with which weapon and in which room, but I was still distracted by the way he was looking at me, like he would crush me if I dared to answer right._

_“I accuse Mr. Blue with the big stick in the lair!”_

_It was only a damn slip of the tongue for heaven’s sake! I meant: Mr. Green, with the candlestick in the cellar. I didn’t even notice at first, but everyone froze and then I realized what I had done when this silence was followed by a big laugh on the part of the three stooges. Raph was crying, holding his sides while freaking rolling on the floor, and it’s not even a damn figure of speech. Mikey wasn’t any better, laughing so hard, repeating endlessly “Mr. Blue’s big stick”, yelling he was about to wee himself. And, mortified, I understood, while Donnie struggled very hard to only smirk._

_Coldly, Leo opened the envelope in a way who reminded me of the cunning count in Dangerous Liaisons._

_It was Mr. Green, with the candlestick in the cellar._

_“You lost,” he uttered arrogantly._

_”That's what I meant … It was only a slip of the tongue!” I protested, indignant._

_“You said ‘I'm accusing’ and not "I suspect" he retorted._

_We fought about this for a good ten minute before Leo decided the game afternoon was over, because he didn’t want to play anymore._

_Tears of laughter ran down Raph's cheeks as the bad winner retreated to his room to sulk or I don’t know what kind of weird batshit sex toy Leo could play with when he is pissed. All I know is that he put ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on full blast, after shutting his door. Such a drama queen for a leader. Suddenly, I considered the other three being much more mature._

_“April, remind us to invite you every Sunday!” Mikey said._

_“Indeed, it’s definitely more lively, when you are here. A ray of real sunshine in the sewers,” Don exclaimed and I felt he was making fun of me. Raph was in the bathroom yelling he had pissed himself because he had laughed too much and Mikey giggled him too. I took a huge step back, ogling the lower part where they hide their junk. Too much information!_

_And there, I received a phone call from my father who wanted me to come home immediately. Shit, he couldn’t call an hour ago! He could have saved me, for I was almost dying of boredom AND it would have avoided me such a shameful moment!_

 


	10. Cursed be the Sour Puss

 

 _December 4th._  
  
_Dear Diary, you probably wonder why I'm talking to you less and less about my boyfriend, Casey Jones. Someone who would accidentally find this diary and skim it would think that I got a hopeless teen crush on Leonardo. Well, now I have a good reason not to name Casey anymore, because we broke up._  
  
_This is how it happened._  
_I got interrupted by my father’s call. Here’s the reason: Emmy got caught stealing from an erotic shop. Just guess what she got red-handed with? Bull’s eye: Leo’s book about the art of eroticism and some other kinky stuff... Emmy is sixteen and therefore didn’t even have the right to enter. She called my father faking it was her father because her real father is an Evangelical pastor. He would surely have a heart attack if he learned that his precious maiden daughter had slipped a fifteen inches dildo into her pink purse._  
  
_My father blamed me for kicking Emmy out of our place. I had been a very bad hostess but from now on, he didn’t want me to hang out with such a naughty girl. He sent me to my room to ‘do my homework instead of hanging out somewhere he didn’t even know’. He also told me he was going to give lectures on West Coast about Post-Traumatic Syndrome for two weeks. He told me he was going to call my aunt for her to come and take care of me. Damn._  
  
_My aunt is super moody and secluded in her inner world. I could be sodomized by an Orc in my room she wouldn’t realize it. Therefore, it meant Casey and I could push our relationship further, or that’s what I thought anyway._  
  
_I couldn’t wait to tell him, but I wanted to do it in person! I was a prisoner of my room, pretending to do homework that Donnie was doing much better than me. Idle, I thought about my Clue failure and about how I didn’t get any progress from it. The more I was thinking about it, the more it arose questions. Instead of making myself crazy with assumptions, I decided that if Case and I were about to do it, I should educate myself better. I pulled out my new bedside book from my hidden place where I keep my stash._  
  
_I was reading the part about how oxygen deprivation was giving better orgasms when_  
_I received a text from Casey, aka, my ex-boyfriend._  
  
_‘Red! Is it a joke? Raph told me that you had a fight with Leo! Are you stupid? Raph lent us his room! Where we gonna fuck if his bossy bitch brother doesn’t want you there! I ended up fighting with my best bud because of you!’_  
  
_I was suffocating with indignation. So blown-up, that I didn’t answer right away. This bastard, without even trying to know my version of the event, blamed me for making him lose an opportunity to fuck and to have been through an argument with his booze buddy. He was fucking overreacting! First, I hadn’t got in any fight with Leo so much that he didn’t want to see me anymore! I even damn lost to this Ego kid twice! And what was the deal about him and Raph having a fight because of this? Raphael was in a good mood when I left this afternoon._  
  
_I thought about the last few days and decided to read my diary since the time when I and Casey got together. I read our arguments whenever he made me ashamed by his Alpha caveman behavior, then his questionable attitude with me. As I read, I understood: Casey and I are together for easy sex. I can’t just blame him. My obsession with a certain person lately shows that I am at a time of my life when I want to explore my sexuality. This is more about hormones than a real lifetime commitment. Nevertheless, I hesitated before pressing the "send" button to signify our break-up. I erased the text, then I started another and finally, I sent it._  
  
_‘Hey! Do you think you'll manage to be successful in the contest without me?’_  
  
_I didn’t put an emoticon or any hint about if it was a joke or serious matter. My text was about interpretation and it was on purpose. I wanted to see his answer. And, he replied:_  
_‘Casey Jones is still in the game’_  
  
_I deduced that our breakup was consumed. I got up quietly to find my bottle of Raspberry Sour Puss and I got drunk. I cried, without really knowing why, then I read Leo’s book and I thought I wanted to see the boys, even that damn pure samurai that Leo faked to be. I got up and vomited._  
  
_I’m staying here, I can’t move. I had a blurred memory to have texted Donatello, to provoke him, I think. I can’t be sure, because I can’t check, my battery is dead and I can’t find the plug. See you tomorrow for an ensuing hangover._

* * *

 

_December 5th._

_I woke up too hungover to even try to remember and anyway, I didn’t want to think about Casey. Finding my t-phone had not been my top priority. I crawled to the toilet. I stayed on my bathroom floor for so long, I was thinking that if someone from the forensic service or a cop was passing in my apartment, he would be tempted to trace my shape with chalk and call me Jane Doe. After I puked every fluid out of my body, I stayed there kneeling, until I could move enough to have some water._

_In the mirror, I was looking like I had just come out from an exorcism. My hair was dirty and when I finally felt strong enough to receive water on my head, I took a shower. All morning long, I was wondering if the memory of this misery would be enough to prevent me to ever drink again. I had the idea of Don who could make me a tattoo on the hand or implant a spare liver when I got filled with dread. I was almost able to run back to my room and I started looking for my T-Phone charger plug. Maybe Casey had texted me back to tell me it was a joke, but it wasn’t the reason for my frenzy search. I got the feeling I did something very bad._

_When I found it, I had to wait until my t-phone was plugged in for long enough before it turned on. And there, I looked at my text, because I vaguely remembered sending ONE to Donnie, but ... and there, dear Diary, I felt really, really bad. I sent texts to each of them._

_I wanted to yell "Earth, swallow me", and I’m not exaggerating. I drunk-texted the turtles and I even included photos that I don’t remember taking. Shame filled me so much, I really considered jumping from my window. But the worse was that they answered me... Even Leo, and then I was filled with fear of the turtle retaliation._

_For a moment, I didn’t dare to read my own messages. Then, I decided that maybe it wasn’t that bad. But in order to protect my own sanity, I would open them one at a time, by the level of gravity._

_Flash news: it was THAT BAD. Cursed be the Sour Puss. I’ll never drink this fuchsia shit ever again._

_I’m taking a break here, Diary. I have to throw up._

**_Message to: Donatello:_ **

_‘It's your lucky day, D. I ditched Casey and if you want me to test which flavor is the best between chocolate or coffee for your condoms, I volunteer.’_

**_Message to: Raphael_ **

_‘Your friend is an asshole and a snitch. Are you aware that he told me about you and Leo? But he didn’t tell me who was taking it up the ass. Answer me, I am curious!’_

**_Message to: Michelangelo_ **

_‘You know, Leo told me that if you’re up for it, he would give you a practical sex education class. If you put your butt-plug pigtail in front of him, he told me he couldn’t help but jumping on you! You need to keep it secret from Raph though because he's jealous. Here is the photo of my pussy, so you can earn points to make Leo crazy. Don’t you find him hot when he’s riled up? I do.”_

**_Message to: Leonardo_ **

_'Would Mr. Blue want to stab me with his big stick in the lair? This is neither a hint, nor an accusation, but rather a supplication. My friend got caught stealing a big dildo because of you, but Raph said the real thing is better. How is it to corrupt youth? Does Mikey know? Maybe Karai should watch over you more, the lucky girl.’_

_My breathing got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t believe that I had sent such obscene messages to them. I had been especially petty with Raph. His fight with Casey had brought the shit that led us to break up, but still, sending this message was like dancing on TNT. It was a miracle Raph didn’t come to stab me in my drunken sleep._

_The sexy allusion in Donnie’s message was also nasty. I was rubbing salt in still vivid wounds._

_For Mikey, it was worse. I had no idea how he was going to take it. But if he had shown it to his big brother, I escaped Raph’s sais only to fall under the katanas._

_Then, there was the text to Leo who had the merit of being frank. I had no idea what his reaction would be, admitting that he survived his heart attack when he read Mikey's text. Anyway, I sent all these texts more than fifteen hours ago and I didn’t need a rocket science class to know I was in deep shit._

_That's when I realized that I wasn’t a kunoichi like Karai. I didn’t have the courage to assume what I did. I didn’t read any of their answers and said;_

_"T-Phone: Autodestruction"_

_Then, I curled up in a ball under my duvet and I cried. I had lost my best friend, my boyfriend and my little mutant brothers in two weeks. I won’t be moving for the rest of the day. Shit, I don’t even know if I'll move from under my duvet for the rest of my life._

* * *

 

_Tuesday, December 6th._

_So much has happened that staying consistent will be difficult._

_Yesterday, I alternated between mopping and promising to never drink again. I liquefied myself with shame too, and I was even beyond scared. The boys are cool, but they’re still fucking ninjas, wandering with potentially lethal weapons (certainly fatal in Leo’s case). Okay, they like me, but then, after being so bitchy with them, I didn’t think I was a friend anymore. The fact that I was still alive was beyond me. I accused Raph of having a gay relationship with his own brother, even worse, the one he can’t stand. Shit, you finish the ketchup and he goes all rampage, I witnessed it many times. Hinting he could take it up his ass for Leonardo was a death wish. Just thinking about it made me write down my last wills._

_Then, I decided to get ready and changed my underwear to get matching ones and shaved. I wanted to be pretty for the forensic service and I put even makeup. I need to hide these freckles under foundation, even in death._

_I was paranoid that every breath could be the last one and imagined each one of their reaction._

_Donnie wouldn’t kill me. He would simply stop doing my homework or purposely trick me down to the final math exam and then my dad would kill me for him. Leo wouldn’t give a shit about my ranting, as long as it concerns him and only him. He wouldn’t take my offer seriously (although it was kind of true). Mikey wouldn’t do anything on his own. I imagined his face when seeing my text. I didn’t look at the picture I sent him, I didn't want to see firsthand how much the alcohol led me low, but knowing him, he went straight to show this to the master of his soul. Leo had to stifle a long string of expletives in Japanese._

_The photo itself is enough to sentence my ostracism for life from their lair, but the assumption that Leo could have an incestuous relationship with his little brother... He had to go and sharpen his swords immediately. Accusing him of such dishonor couldn’t remain unpunished. He went crazy when I almost called him a cheater in Clue, so... I tried to remove from my head the images that were forming in spite of me of a LeoxMikey. Okay, the other day, I saw them coming out of a room with Raph, but they just had to help the kid get his stuffed toys, because under no circumstances could my imagination turn wild enough to picture a LeoxMikey._

_That would be Wrong with a capital W. Yeah, I mean they are brothers! I know that Raph and Leo are too, and that I would spend all my savings to see them having sex so much that it must be a turn-on show... But LeoxMikey would give me the chills. It would be wrong on so many levels. As unnatural as... I don’t know, I don’t even have an example that comes to my mind. I'll be ready to see everything, a medieval torture session, but horror thrills run through my body just thinking about Leo fucking Mikey. The opposite was too unlikely to happen, even for my wild imagination. Mikey topping Leo couldn’t happen in this dimension._

_Anyway, for being crazy enough to suggest it, I was dead meat._

_I was crying on my fate when I heard on knock on my window. I’d recognize this noise among a thousand: it’s the handle of Raph’s sai against the glass. I hid under my blankets as much as I could. Shit, he was coming to kill me for sure, he waited the evening to do it because Leo had told him it what was ninja does. Then, a lighter, lighter sound: Donnie's bo. I couldn’t stand a chance: I didn’t have my tessen and they were two. Donnie came to restrain me while Raph would stab me. A cold sweat bathed me and I stifled sobbing sobs of terror under my buttercup yellow duvet._

_“Red, I know you're here! Open up! I’m freezing my ass off!”_

_As if I were going to open to my killers._

_“April? May I remind you that we are cold-blooded reptiles and its currently snowing?”_

_There, I said to myself "Damn it, go ahead April, face your fate. If you must die under the blows of your brothers because of your stupidity, so be it!"_

_I stood up as an actress in a Greek tragedy and I crossed the room as firmly as Marie-Antoinette to the guillotine. I wouldn’t show I was afraid and I wouldn’t cry, because I didn’t want to mess my make-up and be ugly at the forensic. I opened the window and, as straight as an arrow, I waited for the first blow, eyes closed._

_“Uh? April? Why do you have your eyes closed?”_

_I opened one eye:_

_"Are not you coming to kill me?”_

_And there, they laughed their asses off._

_“April, you're not the first teenager who drunk-texts!”_

_“We are here for the opposite reason. When Donnie told Fearless that your T-Phone was no longer signaling, he asked us to check if you had not committed seppuku.”_

_Of course, Leo agreed it was seppuku-worthy._

_I asked them why they weren’t mad._

_Raphael and Donnie looked at each other for a moment, shrugging their shoulders._

_“Why I would? knew it was bullshit, because I never told Casey something like that.”_

_His response leads to interpretation, but I felt too much on the edge of the precipice to make a smart ass comment. Donnie continued:_

_“Your spelling was poor. You never call me "D", I guessed that you weren’t in your normal state and that you had to drown the sorrow of your break-up in alcohol.”_

_“Okay... and Leo?”_

_“Yeah, about that, good timing, redhead. You interrupted Leo's date. I didn't even see him sneaking away, I was watching the game and…” Raph explained._

_“Leonardo isn’t angry,” Donnie interrupted firmly, “only worried about you. I think the only one of us who has had a somewhat negative reaction is Michelangelo.”_

_There, I opened wide eyes:_

_“Why? I sent him a picture! He should be happy, right?”_

_“Who knows what's going on in that empty shell that's his head,” concluded Raph with a shrug, “anyway, you have to come with us, Fearless is waiting for us. He even canceled our patrol for you!”_

_There, I was scared again. Surely, it was a trap. Maybe Leo wanted to give me a semblance of a lawsuit before executing me by himself? Leonardo never cancels a patrol. I remember that Raph already told me that they all had the gastroenteritis, and that their leader was the one in the dirtiest state and yet he still forced them to patrol anyway. Leonardo vomited all the way, claiming he was perfectly fine. Or the time he was shot in the shoulder at 10:30 pm and remained at his post until the end of his shift, at 2:00 am, after losing a shit load of blood. The only person who gets away from it sometimes is Mikey. Mikey snoozes and he is out of the hook. Raph got chickenpox and he’d never been exempted. It's been five years and he brings it up back again at least three times a week since then. Raph is the kind of guy to hold a grudge. So, you understand, dear Diary, that I was frightened by Leo skipping patrol for mere me._

_I protested, but there was nothing to do. When Raph is in his "on duty for the Fearless Leader" mode, you can’t do a thing against it. I don’t understand him sometimes: He complains every damn day about Leo being a bossy bitch. He throws him punches and curses a lot but at the end, I think he listens to Leo more than Donnie does._

_I arrived and there, I swear, I almost wet myself out of fear. In fact, I'm not sure of the exact nature of the fluid, but I was paralyzed._

_Leonardo gave me a hug._

_It looks not biggy, but he's not a very physical person, let alone with strangers (anything that is not an Hamato) hence the fact that he writes treatises on orgasm overthrows me. But there, he took me in his arms and he told me he had been sick worried._

_And then, I understood:_

_Why Mikey takes pleasure in his role of stupid kid and that Raph dies of jealousy with the attention that Leo has for him. There is nothing more blissful than being the focus of the leader for just two minutes. His big sea eyes shone like those of a manga character looking at me full of compassion and there, I cracked and cried. He held me in his arms for many minutes caressing my hair and I never felt so accepted in my life and sure everything would be alright. Casey, my father, school, every trouble in my life was now fading away in this embrace. Then, when I calmed down, he ruined everything._

_He handed me a flier on the misdeeds of alcoholism._

_Sometimes, well very often, Leo is worse than my father._

_Then, I realized that Mikey was glaring at me. Okay, I had hijacked a hug from his big brother towards me, but it wasn’t enough to glare at me in my book. Above all, what was his problem? He had a picture that would give him ten points. What was he complaining about exactly? I texted much worse to Raph and Donnie!_

_Leo talked to me for a long time with his distressed eyes as if I were terminally ill. I didn’t listen. I nodded at everything he told me. I began to understand that this is how it works with him. You accept everything and you shut your mouth. I was vaguely listening to him talking about Casey, then promised to ‘take care of it’. Then, I came out of my trance! Did he mean to ‘take care’ of it in the sense I heard? Probably not, because he informed me that Casey couldn’t come for the results of the contest, but that he would be there on Thursday, if Raph forgives him and so, I shouldn’t come on that day if I wanted to avoid him._

_I said it was cool and I wasn’t a kid and our break up was consensual. Then, when he saw that I had stopped crying, he asked me if I wanted to play a Clue rematch. It was tingling him that I thought he didn’t win honorably. I didn’t know how to get out of this situation. Raph then turned the attention to him by bringing on the contest. I didn’t understand. From what Casey had told me, Raph doesn’t give a shit about the contest. Moreover, they seemed to have had a hard time arguing. Maybe that was why? Casey had boasted again about winning or whatever. I should talk to Raph. After all, I wanted to know for what kind of bullshit I had lost my boyfriend._

_I thought the results shouldn’t have changed too much except for Mikey's point, courtesy of April O’Neil for that ungrateful kid. Donnie looked like a cat who had eaten the canary. The look that I learned to distrust._

_“We won’t include Casey Jones, because his score is unknown” (here, I grit my teeth despite myself) “In the lead, Leonardo, 60 points.” (Raph hit on a pipe so hard that I was almost surprised that the echo of the noise didn’t attract the attention of reporters on the spot)_

_“Raphael, 40 points, in second place.”_

_Raph had not moved. No wonder, but I was wondering who gave him the points that weren’t my handiwork._

_“And Michelangelo, 25 points.”_

_There, I jumped out of my chair. My picture was worth 10 points. Mikey should have been at 35. Donnie, reading my mind, though it was wise to specify:_

_“Mikey didn’t want the points related to your photo.”_

_I was deeply humiliated. But I didn’t have time to verbalize anything, admitting that I would have wanted to do it. The attention of everyone turned away from me to witness an umpteenth spat between the two Alpa turtles. Leo and Raph were fighting AGAIN. For a guy giving me a flier about how to manage my booze problem, I think Leo must deal with his own big brother issues like Raph with his middle child syndrome. I find it tiresome. Leo too because he took his katanas and left. I wanted to confront Mikey but I didn’t have time. Raph took me by the hand and said he was bringing me back to my home._

_I thought Raph wanted to smoke or drink with me. He has insomnia if he doesn’t do it, he told me. But I saw that we didn’t take the same path as usual and we didn’t seem to go toward my home. It took me a long time to understand. It must be said that to every question, Raph retorted me with a "Pipe down or Shut-up", I was going to get mad when I understood._

_We were tailing Leo. Raph had only used me as an excuse to go out because he wanted to kamikaze Leo’s date, for him not to get more points before himself. There, I was excited. Voyeurism never turned me on so much, but seeing Leo showing off his mystical techniques to Karai hardened my clit._

_Alas, we didn’t find this "filthy son of a bitch of Fearless who cancels the patrols to play loverboy with the Foot Princess," to quote Raph. He left me at home. He looked edgy and I offered to smoke with me and tell me what had happened with Casey. He refused. Then he told me not to come tomorrow to "fuck up the shit again". I nodded. And here I am exhausted to have written so much. I forgot to say that Donnie promised me a new customized T-Phone, he's too cute. I should have sent him the picture to him!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanart by Blue!


	11. Big Mac and Diva Cup

_Friday, December 9,_

_Dear Diary,_

_I didn’t write earlier because I have a job now. Before leaving, my father sent a job application on my behalf to Mcdonald’s, without asking for my opinion. I’m pretty sure it’s a criminal offense to use the name of someone else to fill in a job application. I should ask Donatello._

_I had no choice but to go to the interview, my father threatened to cut down my allowance. He already gives me $80 per week. It sounds like a lot but I have to buy all my stuff myself: bra, tampons, etc. I went to the interview and, since I’m so unlucky, they hired me._

_The manager ogled my boobs during the whole interview and I barely held back to pour his coffee on his head. My first day at work was yesterday, from 5:00 pm to 9:00 pm and I can already tell you; I hate this job. Between the brats whining because they already got the same cheap action figure in their happy meals twice, the anxious lady who asks what has the most calories between a Mcchicken and the filet-o-fish, and the assholes who say sexual innuendo, I don’t know what is the worst. The uniform I had to wear is the ugliest thing a ginger like me could wear. The only good thing is that I work every Sunday, from 11:00 am to 6:00 pm. So, there isn’t any chance that I’ll be part of the board game Sunday afternoon again._

_Today, I’m going out and I plan to do my Christmas shopping. I have to buy something for the boys, I haven't seen them since my Monday depression. I even managed not to think about Leo. Raph made me promise not to make a bigger mess and I keep my words. Plus, I don’t really want to hear about Casey. I still don’t know why he and Raph fought. I wonder if I’ll know one day._

_My dad sent me money because I got the job and I (Don) got good grades, so I'll go shopping. I don’t have much but it should be enough for mutants living in the sewers._

_Donnie left a new T-phone on my balcony, on Tuesday night. I immediately checked the upgrade. He set a photo and a ringtone for incoming calls from each of them. I laughed because I found each of them really accurate to their personality. Mikey’s one was ‘I’m sexy and I know it!” and he was grimacing on his profile pic. That reminded me that I had something to clear up with him._

_I texted him, asking how he was doing, and what the score of the contest was. I also asked if he was mad at me._

_It took a few minutes for him to reply, which is surprising because, being hyper impulsive, he always replies in a blink. But there, he only texted me back after ten minutes._

_“Mad, me? What are you talking about, dudette? Are you tipsy again? About the score, Raph is leading with 70 points!”_

_If Mikey wanted to play the innocent child, that was fine with me, but something else bugged me. The guys keep hiding things from me lately and that pisses me off. I spend three hours shopping and found nothing for the turtles. Okay, to be honest, I saw lots of things that would have pleased Mikey, but I was in no mood to spend my cash on him. In addition, I’m on my period, so I get easily upset or worked up. I bought myself a Diva Cup, a menstrual cup. Seems like it's economical and good for the environment, according to Irma. I inserted it and it was less difficult than I would have thought. It's more comfortable than a tampon and you don’t have that damn bead that sticks out._

_Tonight is a movie night, I’m not working so I’ll invite myself to the Hamato’s, whether they want it or not. I want to clear out this mystery about Raph having 70 points out of nowhere and the situation with Mikey._

* * *

 

_Saturday, December 10th,_

_I won’t step in the lair FOR THE REST OF MY FREAKING LIFE! Seriously, I swear. I ran out of the lair yesterday, alone, at 3am, and I will never go back. I spent the night awake, overwhelmed with shame. Unlike earlier this week, I’m not afraid of their retaliation. Right now, they have to either be wetting themselves laughing their heads off, or be packing their stuff to move somewhere else where I won’t ever find them. I don’t even have the strength to talk about it. I stop here._

_Okay… I needed a break, it’s been five minutes since I stopped writing, and for once, I will assume what happened. I will write about what happened. Once it’ll be written down, it’ll seem less bad, right?_

_I arrived at the lair around 8 pm. They had just finished their meal and apparently, it was Raphael's turn to wash the dishes. I offered my help to wipe the dishes and he agreed, sighing like he was a victim. Obviously, this damn ninja is perhaps not the most subtle, but he caught the drift very quickly, he guessed that I just wanted to get close to him to satisfy my curiosity. He threw a cloth at my face:_

_“Wipe them clean and zip it! I'm not in the mood”_

_Like if Raph was ever ‘in the mood.’_

_I hadn’t even touched a plate yet, and their leader was already sneaking behind me._

_‘I will do it, April. You can go and chat with Donatello in the lab or join Michelangelo in the living room.”_

_I hesitated between those two options and I eventually headed for the lab. Donnie remains the one who I know the best, with Raph. Actually, no, let me correct myself, I think I know Raph better because he was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend._

_In the end, I guess I don’t know them at all._

_But I digress! So I was with Donatello who was telling me about his new invention. He didn’t seem surprised or particularly enthusiastic about my presence. He really got over his crush for me, and surprisingly, it made me feel a little bit sad. I didn’t get enough time to ask any questions, Mikey was already asking which movie to watch._

_Mikey didn’t seem angry, but there was something I can’t put my finger on which had changed about him. Don told Mikey we would come in a moment and he started writing notes to himself on a piece of paper. Then he asked me; "You want to know?"_

_I nodded eagerly, even if I had no idea what he was implying with this. There are so many things I'm dying to know about them, from very old questions such as “where does Michelangelo's obsession for underwears come from” to new ones like “why this little brat was giving me a cold shoulder?”_

_“Raph is leading with 80 points.”_

_“What, 80? How did he do it? Mikey told me he was up to 70!”_

_“These are the secrets of the participant. As a judge, I can’t reveal them,” Don stated with this smug expression of his._

_“That's bullshit,” I exclaimed. “How could Raph have so many points? He doesn’t even have a girlfriend!”_

_“So what? Are you accusing my brother Raph of being a liar?”_

_There, I shut up. Honestly, Raphael has enough personal issues and behavioral challenges to overcome, so there’s no need for me to add mythomania to the list. And, well, I didn’t want to antagonize Don. He can act as if he isn’t Raph’s number one fan, but the truth is, all of the Hamato brothers go crazy if you badmouth one of them. Only a Hamato can talk shit about another one._

_We went to the living room. I talked about my new job since no one was likely to answer my questions when they were all reunited. They congratulated me. Mikey asked me to pick the movie. I chose the Hobbit and we started watching while eating popcorn, on the couch._

_I don’t know which one started sniffing first, but I think it was Leo. He cautiously moved away from me, just a few inches, so that he wouldn’t be rude. I didn’t care because Leo could act weird for many reasons, and I was focused on the movie._

_When it was over, Mikey commented on the film's love affair: “What a fool this Tauriel really is! Her adoptive brother Legolas loves her. They’re the same kind, destined to live together for centuries and she chooses a dwarf! Too bad for her!”_

_I was surprised. It wasn’t like Mikey to state such a serious opinion. Raph added that indeed, elves have to stick with elves. Donnie rolled his eyes and Leo blushed. I took some time to understand the allusion. It was an attack towards Donnie and Leo for their interest in the human race. Although regarding Don, we can use the past tense to talk about it now._

_I was a little tipsy. Despite the angry eyes of the watchman, Raph and I drank a few beers. I looked at the twelve-pack, already empty, at 11:30pm. I had only had four and I was relatively okay._

_Donnie got up quickly, to finish his project. Leo went to meditate before going to bed and Mikey and Raph left to challenge each other on Mortal Kombat. I looked at them absently, telling myself I hadn’t made any progress in my quest to figure out the supreme truth._

_Then, Mikey pinched his nose._

_“Ugh, Dudette! I don’t know if you smell of big mac’s secret sauce or something, but you need a shower! ”_

_Feeling offended, I was about to reply that he had no room to speak, since his bedroom had remnants of cheese macaroni macerating in it ever since 2012, but Raph cut me off with his legendary gallantry:_

_“Yeah, April you stink like a rotten corpse! Go shower or go home. You even scared Fearless! He’s faking to meditate to get rid of your smell!”_

_I was so offended!_

_“Donnie has …”_

_“Donnie doesn’t count, he doesn’t have any sense of smell anymore since he works with chemicals!”_

_I felt so insulted that I got up, and then I felt something wet running on my thigh and realization hit me hard as a truck._

_I had had a menstrual cup inside of me for more than twenty-four hours, without having emptied it. On the box, when I bought it quickly after work on Thursday night, it’s said that you need to empty it every six hours. I put it on at 10:30 pm on Thursday. This thing is so invisible and comfy that I had completely forgotten it was there! Shit! I had to take it off! No wonder the boys thought I was smelling bad._

_I went to the bathroom and there, I cursed. I had never taken a cup off, I didn’t have the fucking instructions, I wasn’t at home and I was almost drunk. How could I take it out? There weren’t one hundred ways to fix that problem, so I entered my fingers. I’m going to skip all of the nasty details, dear Diary, to get to the point: twenty minutes later, the only thing I'd done was to mess the place with blood everywhere._

_That's when Raph knocked on the door. I froze like a deer on the highway. Shit! What could I do? I had less than one hour before I needed to go home and I couldn’t walk with a brown spot on the back of my light gray pants. My panties were already good for the garbage and I was even madder because they were the fine ones I bought from Victoria Secret with my pocket money. And on top of everything else, even if I would go home, I wouldn’t be any more able to get that damn thing out of my vagina, would I?_

_I begged Raph to give me a few more minutes and I desperately tried to remove my menstrual cup again. Damn Irma with her crazy hippie ideas! Raph got impatient and started screaming that he had to pee. There's only one fucking bathroom in the lair, but shit, he's a guy, he can get out and piss in a dark corner. The whole sewer smells like toilet anyway!_

_Then, I don’t know why, he insisted, saying that whatever I do, he didn’t give a shit, that he just needed to pee and so I gave up. The more I tried, the more I felt like I was pushing the cup further away, and with the angle my own arm had to take, I couldn’t get the cup out. I just brushed it with the nail tip. So, I closed my eyes and said: “Call Donnie.”_

_That's as close as a doctor that I could get, right? That’s what I told myself. He was going to put on his rubber gloves and take it off with any speculum that he had to keep for a special occasion like this one._

_And then, I almost died:_

_“Donnie isn’t here. He went looking for something to the dump. He won’t be here for a good two hour. Get out now Red, before I piss myself.”_

_At that point, I thought that Raph and I were intimate enough for me to show him... Right? And I mean, he’s a warrior, it's not a few drops of blood that will bother him. I thought I’d explain my problem to him, and he would take this shit out. His fingers are longer than mine and his wrists turn to an angle of 270 degrees. He could pull a damn silicone cup out of my vagina, right?_

_I opened the door and Raph immediately put his hand on his nose and mouth, and opened his eyes as if he had just surprised Master Splinter jerking off on diaper porn._

_I explained what I expected from him. He looked at me as if I had offered to do a threesome with Master Splinter wearing a diaper. He shook his head:_

_“Fucking forget it! I won’t put my finger down there!”_

_His voice was just a tweet. I could tell straight away that his urge to pee wasn’t his top priority anymore. He just wanted to run away. I insisted. He told me to try and remove it by myself again. I objected that, unless I could take my arm off, I couldn’t. He immediately called Donnie._

_He came across the voicemail box and left a hysterical message telling him to drop whatever he was doing to deal with a real emergency, a.k.a me. I pointed out to him that he was supposed to be a tough guy. He told me it had nothing to do with this shit. He told me to call an ambulance and to go to the hospital. I countered that an ambulance was too expensive for a girl working in a fastfood restaurant. Raph kept insisting that I was the wrong one, because I pushed a foreign object inside of me and I wasn't any better than a gay guy shoving a cucumber in his ass._

_At that moment, I got angry and called him a wimp. Usually, it works. Raph can’t stand to be called a sissy. He’s the kind guy who’s very entertaining to play Truth or Dare with. As expected, with a lot of reluctance, he took a deep breath and looked like he got asked to stop Chernobyl’s nuclear leak._

_“Ok, I'll do it!”_

_I spread my thighs and he advanced a trembling hand. He just put an inch of his fingers inside of me, and stepped back to vomit into the toilet bowl, begging me not to ask him to do that. I should have taken advantage of it to blackmail him: ‘okay, but tell me everything about you, guys’ but Raph really looked on the verge of fainting. I remembered that he drank eight beers and wasn't in the best position to help me. I only had Mikey and Leo._

_I had no desire to see the noble face of the leader grimace with disgust, so I opted for the kid and I told Raph to bring Mikey. Raph went looking for him staggering._

_Mikey came a few minutes later, panicked and amused at the same time, but he quickly wrinkled his nose too and he stared in amazement at the splattered blood on the bathroom floor, wondering if I was giving birth to an Alien. I ordered him to stop mocking me and to give me a hand._

_When he understood what I meant by ‘give a hand’, he paled and refused altogether. Although I told him about our bonds of friendship and fraternity, he swayed. I argued that he wouldn’t let his brothers bleed to death; that didn’t convince him. He blamed me for traumatizing him and said that he would turn gay. He told me to wait for Donatello and that by then the bathroom would be doomed, that he had security tapes from the police and that he would put them in front of the door to make sure nobody steps on this Jack the Ripper crime scene._

_It was at that point that an angel appeared._

_Leonardo pushed the bathroom door to find out why Raphael was vomiting in the kitchen sink. I don’t know why, but I was mortified, feeling terrible without pants, legs apart, sitting on the cold concrete. In front of Mike and Raph, it was uncomfortable, but in front of Leo it was the climax of the humiliation. I couldn’t act as if nothing had happened. My right arm was covered in gore to my elbow, and then Mikey swung it all over._

_Leo remained stoic and told me to follow him. I thought that it was it, he had just realized that I'm only bringing shit into their lives and he was leading me to the exit._

_I was astonished to see that he brought me to his room. He lit a few candles and a stick of incense and took something from his drawer, handing out his meditation tatami to me. He told me to lie down and relax. I watched him with bulging eyes as he oiled his hands._

_In a small, muffled voice I asked him what he was doing._

_“I will remove this object. Relax.”_

_I felt a funny feeling in my stomach, some sort of apprehension, but rather positive. He made me do breathing exercises, putting his hands on my belly. He moved up and spread my thighs, then my breathing stopped when he scolded me for not strengthening my vaginal muscles enough, explaining that these muscles, like any others, had to be worked out and that if I had done it, I would only have to push to pull the cup out. Likewise, that would allow me to increased my potential partners’ satisfaction._

_I didn’t want to have a sex-talk in this position, so I replied that, since playing ping-pong with my vagina wasn’t in my immediate plans, I had other concerns, like crushing my cup in Irma's face. Leo blamed me for blaming what shouldn’t be blamed, and said that on the contrary, my choices in terms of periodic protection were excellent, since silicone is a natural product. I was about to argue with him, helpful or not, when he shut me up._

_“Relax, I will enter two of my fingers and will do my best to avoid any erogenous zones.”_

_This is the moment I knew that Leo was not telepathic, contrary to what his brothers think. That, or he was pretending not to hear my internal screamings; "No, touch them!"_

_So I held my breath, staring at the ceiling, hypnotized. His hand was calmly resting on my lower stomach as his fingers approached my genital area. He said something along the lines of it being perfect, that I was perfectly lubricated and that everything would be fine because my flesh had an adequate percentage of elasticity. I told myself that if Leo could give me my gynecological exam, I would be less reluctant to go there. I held my breath as he delicately got closer, trying to prepare me not to display too much pleasure, when..._

_Donatello entered._

_He thanked Leo for his good care and pulled me into the lab. I blinked at the aggressive light just above my head as I laid down on the cot with my foot in stirrups. I didn’t understand why they even had stirrups, but Don commented on the non-necessity of a lubricant and took his speculum (I knew this bastard had one... but for which use?). Then, he pulled out the tip of the silicone cup and he asked me if I was relieved, handing it to me with the end of his instrument. I saw in his face that he was laughing. I told him to go fuck himself, to burn this thing and I ran away in the middle of the night._

_So, dear Diary, here is why I will never go back to the lair._

 


	12. The freeloader

_Monday, December 12th,_

_Dear Diary, I sometimes spend some days without writing you, but between my job and the time I spent in the fetal position cursing my congenital stupidity, I don’t have much free time. Yesterday, I thought about writing my will (yep, again) but actually everything is cool, for the moment. The fact that the guys don’t turn me into pepperonis sometimes amazes me. I guess I would gave them less trouble if I had been a pizza topping._

_I don’t know yet what happened last night because Raph is sleeping like a log. Why is Raphael sleeping at my house? That's what you will discover._

_Saturday, I stayed at home, fighting my desire to masturbate thinking about what had happened between Leo and me. I don’t know how such a ridiculous situation turned out being the start of an erotic masterpiece scenario, but the fact is that Leo seems to be naturally good at it. Such a shame that a national treasure like that is hidden in the sewers! What the hell were my eyes busy doing before this guy got taken? When we met two years ago, he looked very awkward with girls. Damn, he was still giving off ‘virgin otaku’ vibes like five weeks ago!_  
_What happened to cherry boy Leo meanwhile? This is, Diary, the secret I will most likely know!_

  
_I got myself together and I went to work, even if I hate every minute of it. My manager, a guy in his late thirties with acne scars, looked at me in a not very subtle way, and I was exasperated. With the excuse of watching me counting pennies, he was standing right behind me. I felt his breath on my neck and his hand grazing my ass and I wanted to smash a big mac on his face. But the customer was in front of me, smugly on the other side of the counter and I almost doubted myself. It might just be an accident. Three hours later, after five identical “accidents", I was done. This asshole was doing it on purpose._

_I didn’t want my father to believe that I was inventing things to ditch the great part-time job that he had found. I went to the bathroom and texted Donnie. Okay, yeah, I know, I wrote that I wouldn't talk to them ever again, but Donnie remains the guy you need to have on your side in this kind of situation. A genius is always good to take and well, I didn’t have much choice. In this damn town, I only had the Hamato brothers as friends, now. Irma, Casey and Emmy are out of questions. I’m on school leave and my aunt Sharon doesn’t give a damn of me. She has her plate full with her son, who plays Dungeon and Dragons full time, and her gigolo boyfriend who’s twelve years younger than her._

_My father is gone... so Donatello and his brothers are my only option._

_I asked him if he could provide me with a secret mini-camera and if he could also find out about lawsuit for sexual harassment. I was expecting a concise answer. Donnie has a rational and incisive mind and moreover, since the fall, he’s less and less emotional about me. When he asked me why, I gave him a quick topo. Donnie told me to go out and see him right away. I said I couldn’t, that I still had more than three hours of work left._

_He told me it wouldn't be a problem. If Donnie says so, I know he is trustworthy._

_I went out and learned that my uncle had called me to say that my aunt had just had an accident and that I had to go and keep my cousin immediately. I knew it was bullshit and it was Donatello. My cousin Trevis has the maturity of a muffin, but he's 21, so ..._

_I went to see Donnie who asked me to tell him everything in detail from the beginning and then I saw that he was really furious. Donnie is a very calm guy, when he hasn’t drunk too much coffee or when Mikey doesn’t mess up his lab, but there, I saw that he was genuinely mad, like Raph was last summer when Leo burnt his porn magazine. I wasn’t there but Casey told me that Raph was breathing fire that would have melted metal. Now that I know Leo is writing prostate orgasm tutorials, I understand Raph’s indignation in a better way._

_Anyway, let’s go back to Donnie._

_He told me that Leo didn’t want an immediate action on their part to give the molester a chance to make amends. Donnie explained that Leonardo wanted me to express my displeasure to my manager beforehand, in order to give him the opportunity to rectify his behavior. I rolled my eyes and accepted. Donatello then said that the next day, he would follow my day at work via the camera I would wear in an earring._

_I asked where his brothers were. He told me that Michelangelo was busy with Christmas preparations and the older two were in the Dojo._

_I raised my eyebrows in a suggestive way. Donnie didn’t flinch and, to piss me off, he gave me back my menstrual cup. All of my humiliations from the previous day came back and I asked him in a very small voice if they had talked about it together. He shook his head:_

_“No. Raphael will never want to think about it again, even under torture,” Donnie sneered “He eradicated that moment from his memory. Leo is too much of a gentleman to talk about it and he made Mikey promise never to mention it. As for me, menstrual blood is too much of a common matter to bring it on, even to tease you.”_

_I was relieved. We talked for about fifteen minutes and he pretended he had work to do before kicking me out._

_So Saturday was relatively cool._

_On Sunday, at work, my shift had barely begun and my manager had already made two innuendos. I remembered what Leo was waiting from me. So, I said firmly that I didn’t like his hints. He said it was just mere jokes and that I should stop pretending to be offended._

_But my attention shifted when I noticed who was the new customer in front of me. On the other side of the counter was the person I had been burning to question for weeks: Karai._

_She was with a friend and just seeing her at McDonald's with a friend made me doubt for a moment that it was her. After all, I hadn’t seen her for more than three months and well, we had never been close, to begin with, more like a kind of acquaintance. But she recognized me and gave me a very light and stiff nod. In my brain, I interpreted this tiny sign of recognition as an invitation to talk. I asked about her, she replied with a conciseness that monk having vowed silence wouldn’t have denied._

_Her friend ordered a cheeseburger with a medium Coke, but when it was Karai’s turn to order she said her jaw was too sore for anything but a smoothie._

_And there, excited, I exclaimed, while typing the order:_

_“It's because of Leo, isn’t it?”_

_She opened her eyes wide. I almost thought she was going to deny knowing a Leo in front of her friend, especially since the true nature of her relationship with him is not very clear, in my opinion, when she whistled:_

_“Are you implying my boyfriend punched me?”_

_It was my turn to look surprised. For me, Karai thought of Leo as a plaything. The fact that she officially declares him her boyfriend astonished me. I wondered why her first thought was about domestic violence. Leo is the less likely guy in the world to hit a girl. I corrected myself._

_“I know he didn’t punch you in the jaw, of course! I mean, your jaw must be sore because he‘s a King Ding-A-Ling,” I whispered, giving her her smoothie, with a conniving smile. “I don’t know how you did it. I mean how you did a 69. Because staying focused with Leo's tongue has to be really hard! But now, If Leo wants to win this contest, you might have to go all the way with him, because you know, Raph is leading now. Dunno how, but still. Leo is pissed.”_

_Yes, dear Diary, I spilled it to Karai over a fast food platter in a family restaurant, waiting eagerly to collect the crispy details of her relationship as if we were close friends in her bedroom or something._

_She looked VERY unpleased and before I realized that in my excitation to befriend her to know Leo’s secret, I made a huge mistake, she poured over me her smoothie telling me that since I was so intimate with Leo, I could tell him they’re over._

_At that moment, the realization hit me while the smoothie was running down my hair to my uniform. Karai had to think that, since I knew so many details, I slept with her boyfriend and moreover that she had been used for a contest. This last point is not entirely false, but it remains unfair. Leonardo seems to really appreciate Karai. How am I going to explain this to him? I left the checkout to change uniform. When I came out of the bathroom, my manager appeared. I thought he was going to blame me for my public scandal with a client. No, that's not what this obsessed person had in mind._

_He asked me who my girlfriend was, if she was looking for a job and if I had done things with her, because it was obvious that she and I were bisexual. He told me all the fantasies he had in mind with a Japanese girl and explained to me that their delicate body was made to be fucked ferociously and that Karai, obviously, had to like intense sex and that it was better like that because he hates when foreplay lasts for too long. (I bet)_

_I was so horrified that I listened to it all without saying anything, and then, I received a slap of my brain as powerful as a tsunami. I was carrying a camera in my earring, meaning that my altercation with Karai was recorded. I told myself that surely Leo had to temporarily set aside his part of Monopoly (we were on a Sunday afternoon) to polish his katanas and promise them that they would soon taste my blood (Leo often talks to his swords, its creepy af)._

_The manager told me to go back to Karai in the dining area to apologize. Then, he told me he was going to invite her out, because he heard she broke up with her boyfriend. Then, he made some allusions about the fact that surely this girl needed a real male, which was not the case of the previous one, who had to spend his days watching anime instead of action movie (he obviously decided Karai’s ex was all the Japanese stereotype). I thought that if Leo saw that, I might not be his first victim. It was so extreme and surreal as a situation that I wondered if there wasn’t another hidden camera and that I was the ignorant participant of a damn show. But what I knew was that Leo would gut me out and make lampshades of me, like in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I already flirted with Death when I drunk texted them, it had only been postponed. The reaper wanted its due and I wasn’t going to escape my fate a second time._

_And there, I was called again by my aunt, who was going to be disconnected from her artificial coma and who wanted to see me one last time before dying. My manager, with great delicacy, commented that it’d actually better be the last time because it’s annoying that I have to leave my work shift all the time._

_Once I was out, I read Donnie’s text._

_‘Mikey and I saw everything. We have Leo's agreement. This guy deserves a good lesson. We are taking care of everything.’_

_The fact that he mentioned only Mikey and him seeing the video didn’t relieve me. Sunday is supposed to be a quiet day, isn’t it? Why do I always end up fearing for my life, again? So I went home and I thought that next time I would really follow my father on his business trip. Then, my T-phone vibrated and I had butterflies in my stomach when I saw the calling ID. Ichiban turtle._

_“Hello April, it's Leonardo. I am deeply sorry to bother you but, I have two favors to ask you.”_

_I thought to myself that he probably wanted me to cut my tongue to the root and to move in Wisconsin, but I replied I would be happy to do whatever he wanted._

_“Today, I will only ask you for the first favor. During your father's absence, can Raphael stay at your place?”_

_I was too upset to answer anything other than yes. Then again, it's not like if I wouldn’t have Leonardo's swords over my head if I’d refuse._

_“Raphael and I had a slight argument. We will take care of your problem and when this will be done, Raph will go to your house. Thank you.” Then after a slight hesitation: “Can I ask you one last question?” he asked, very polite._

_The questions were pressing in my own head. With them, a ‘slight argument’ has a quite wide range of meaning. It could range from a sharp comment to an extent such as an eye extraction._

_“Who told you about the size of you know what?” he asked in a murmur._

_I sighed at the shyness of the guy who had almost two fingers in my vagina not so long ago and wrote a full chapter about how a master/pet dynamic could be healthy for a couple. But anyway, I couldn’t dodge the question._

_“Well, your bros,” I said without throwing one of them specifically under the bus._

_“They are jealous, but it has nothing to do with the size,” Leo told me and I stared at my phone. Of course, when you’ve got such a massive one, you can pretend to be above that kind of thing. “Everything is in the technique,” he concluded very seriously and I rolled my eyes at this cliché answer._

_I hung up and I pulled out some new bed sheets that I laid in my father's bed. I kept asking myself questions and was trying to imagine what happened. Leo didn’t seem to resent me. Maybe for Buddhists, grudge brings shit into their karma or something like that... Anyway, I'll know more about that after Raphael's arrival._  
_The fact that Raphael was mandated for this mission was intriguing: he was the most likely to lose his shit and kill the man. I knew Raph wouldn’t go that far with such a loser as a McDonald manager, but what was concerning was that when the honor of a clan member or a friend was on stake, the leader was the one washing it away. The fact that Leo gave Raph this duty was strange, but I wasn’t dumb enough to question the orders, so I waited._

_At midnight, a very dark Raph came in through the window. I didn’t have time to open my mouth, he grunted he wasn’t in the mood._

_I could have answered that he was never in the mood. I was relieved not to see any blood splatter. My manager can be an ass, but he doesn’t deserve to die. Raphael asked me something to smoke, something with this homemade strong tobacco and he was so quivering of rage that I went straight to my real hidden stash. Irma and I tried to smoke weed last summer. I hated it: my throat was burning and I got no effect whatsoever. I even got in a fight with Irma, because she made me spend $75 on oregano (because we were supposed to go camping with friends and she forced my hand to buy that much and well, long-short story, I didn’t even go in camping)._

_I tried another time with Raph and Casey. We didn’t tell him what he was smoking, because who know how he would react. There’s no way he didn’t recognize the smell. He’s fighting criminals in dark alley for living! But he never commented about it. Even if I wasn’t high I remember he had turned very peaceful and calm, and I didn’t need Raph ransacking my appartement. Maybe he said ‘strong’ on purpose. I rolled some (I still have too much of it. I don’t want to smoke it, but damn, I paid for that, so it would be a waste to just throw it away, you know?). He didn’t say anything about it and smoked it in silence. I hoped that maybe he would turn talkative, but he stayed mute and he passed out on the couch without letting me know what happened._

_Anyway, if he lives here, under my roof, he’ll have to drop his silence act. I can’t believe he’s not ‘in the mood’ at least five minutes a day. I’ll put down my pen now, he’s waking up._

* * *

 

_Tuesday, December 13th,_

_If the guys would let me do it, I'd be rich: the reality show about the Hamato clan's drama would relegate the "Keeping Up with the Kardashian" to the same level as the community religious TV._

_I understood that it was serious when Raph refused to have breakfast. This animal eats half a dozen eggs with bacon every morning, along with its banana protein shake. Not eating for Raph was the equivalent of not meditating for Leo, of not opening his laptop for Donnie and of not playing video games for Mikey. Physically, he seemed ok. His vital organs seemed to be functioning and I didn’t see any obvious injuries, but I felt concerned by his edgier and gloomier than ever mood._

_He didn’t mumble a word until my Phone vibrated._

_“If this is from this scumbag motherfucker, you can tell him he can shove his phone up his prick ass and choke on my nuts. I won’t come back home!”_

_I looked at my T-phone, it was actually a text from Leonardo and I knew enough about the turtles’ dynamic to know he was the scumbag motherfucker._

_'Good morning, April. I hope Raphael doesn’t cause you any inconvenience. Is he fine?'_

_I wanted to send a reply, but Raph snatched the phone out of my hand and before I could do anything, he typed._

_‘Fuck U, little bitch.”_

_I was on the verge of fainting, hoping that Leo would figure that it isn’t like me and guess it was his brother, but sending a message on my behalf wasn’t satisfying enough for Raph._

_“I confiscate your phone!”_

_“What?”_

_He is always complaining about Leo seizing his stash and now, he wanted to do the same to me with something as essential as my phone?_

_“I know this bastard wants to ask you for help, but he will have to do without it!”_

_I was flabbergasted. I had to tell him that I needed my T-phone, he told me he didn’t give a damn and that I would have it back over his dead body. Okay, that got me. Raph may be an angry and violent macho who could crush my head between his thumb and forefinger, I didn’t give a shit, anymore. I wouldn’t be bullied by a 17-year-old mutant with emotional management problems, who also was a freeloader and let him rule my home. Heck, I had just freed myself from my father's tyrant hands, it wasn’t to harbor Stalin._

_I was so out of my mind that I didn’t really remember what I muttered, but it was something along those lines: "I understand that Leo kicked you out-...”_

_And then, Raph slapped me across the face with the back of his hand._

_My dad often slaps me. When I forget to get him to sign my exams, for example. And my father's slaps are a lot rougher. So, considering that Raphael has tenfold the strength of my father, we can say that he holds himself back. But the fact is that he slapped me._

_When he realized he had crossed this line, his eyes came filled with tears of regret, an extremely rare spectacle, I suppose, but I didn’t care._

_“Get the fuck out, you moron!” I said._

_He asked me for forgiveness, begging me not to never tell his brothers what had happened between us. I was steadfast and, with my most outrageous air, I pointed the window. He told me that he didn’t care if I kicked him out in the middle of the day, but never to mention what had just happened if he wasn’t caught by human. He began to blabber that my comment had made him lose it, because it wasn’t Leo who had kicked him out. He had left of his own, after the worst dispute of their lives. I was almost stirred but then Raph, unable to indulge in the role of victim for too long, began to attack: it was all my fucking fault, to begin with, that if I hadn’t messed things up between Leo and Karai, he would be eating his breakfast at the lair._

_I admitted that about messing with Leo’s love interest, Raph got a point. Since my cheek had already stopped hurting, I decided to draw what I could from this situation. Also, it was 10am. Could I risk Raph’s existence being spotted by human? Hadn’t he done something yesterday to defend me, after all? I knew he liked me and Raph must have been greatly upset to be carried away that much. Maybe it was the weed? After a few months, it gives weird anger outburst as side effect; doesn’t it?_

_If so, it was my fault. I was the one who gave him some, when he was unaware of what he was doing. If Don knew about it, he could kill me for having endangered his brother’s life. Who knows what weed can do on a mutant? Maybe Raph was weed intolerant and could have died. I’ve been carefree._

_“Ok, Raph, I can let you get away with it. But there are two conditions. First of all, you don’t ever make the slightest violent gesture towards me…”_

_I waited for him to nod seriously._

_“Then, you tell me everything.”_

_I saw him turning unsure, so I got more specific._

_“I want to know the reasons for your fight with Casey and then everything that has happened since yesterday afternoon. Ah! And I want to get my -T-Phone back!”_

_He sighed and agreed and I felt blissfully powerful to have overthrown Raph and also excited as hell to be about to KNOW._

_Alas._

_Raph can summarize you a plot as complex as Games of Thrones in a few sentences. I will try to quote it, but it will be difficult to do so using so few words._

_"I had a fight with Casey because he said shit about me and my family. I had a fight with Leo because he wanted to go and deal with the asshole at your job by himself, with Don. I refused because he was too caught in his fucking emotions! Even Donnie-boy was clever enough to prefer that Mikey replaces him in this. Don was afraid of losing it, I guess. Then, Leo wanted to call Karai and uh ... I threw his T-Phone in the acid barrel in Donnie's lab. Because you know, he’s just a plaything for her, but he’s too freaking proud to admit it! And then I said that I was leaving.”_

_This story made me feel mixed emotions. First, of course, I feel bad for Leo. Where will he find another girlfriend? It would be really a shameful waste, such a talented guy doomed to only jerk off for the rest of his life. I also feel bad for Karai, even if she threw a smoothie at my face. I saw how pissed she looked and well, Leo definitively wasn’t a plaything, even if I used to believe the same thing than Raph. Then, I felt like a pinch in the lower abdomen. Donnie didn’t want to go and deal with my manager because he was too angry. Being that furious was out of his character and that means he still cares. Somewhere deep inside, I was really flattered._

_As always, I wanted to know more, because it was a really too short summary. A porn movie synopsis is longer, but Raph shut down like an oyster. He agreed to eat, but only if he was preparing the food himself. He once heard something that said that women in my ‘state’ (he means having their periods) were spoiling the food by touching it and just from the look of the plate that I had given him, it was probably true. If he ate it he would end up poisoned, for sure and he said that even Leonardo, ‘this useless bastard’, could cook better than me while I was ‘cursed’. I hardly restrained myself from replying that he could go back to his big brother with his medieval beliefs. We got enough fight for the day. I told him to suit himself, since being his servant wasn’t a life goal of mine._

_He opened the fridge and complained that I was only buying the no-name orange juice brand and I was a cheapskate. What a charming guest! I have to convince Leo to bring him back to the lair!_


	13. Mr.Personality

_Thursday, December 15th._

_Tomorrow is my birthday, and I don’t know if it's because my father feels guilty, but he sent me such a huge amount of cash that I thought he must have added a ‘0’ on the check by mistake. It was exactly what I needed to keep my forced roommate busy before he drove me crazy. I put Raphael in front of the computer and opened my eBay account. I asked him to choose a Christmas present for his brothers from us. I thought it would keep him busy for a while, and save me from the shopping._

_Raph had never touched a computer in his life, which surprised me. They didn't have so much entertainment in the sewer. Does he jerk off on vintage Sears magazine? He explained to me that Donnie didn’t share his baby, the PC. Donnie even named it: President Carl. Don is obviously a very possessive turtle and doesn’t want to lend President Carl to anyone for even a minute. It made me even more wonder how Leo learned about sex._

_I explained the basics to Raph for 45 minutes, and I left his side confident it would be alright and I could have enough quiet time to give myself some self-pleasure._

_Raph looks like a lone wolf kind of guy, but I found out the hard way that it’s only an act. He turned around in circles like a county fair pony all day yesterday, complaining that he was bored as fuck. I told him I wasn’t freaking Cirque du Soleil to entertain him. What the fuck does he usually do at his home, I asked. He should just do that, I suggested. Well, I should not have proposed that plan._

_Yesterday, he was drunk and told me he needed to ‘express himself’. He asked me to lend him my body for that. I was wondering a lot about what that meant, and supposed he needed to express ‘physically’ you know? All this talk about Leo being an unknown sex god made me curious. He asked me to undress and I was there, waiting, hoping, with closed eyes and my nice blue bra, while he brushed my chest gently. I was wondering how such a pain in the ass bulky guy could be that delicate- and long- in his foreplay when he grunted that he was done. I was confused, and when I looked down at myself I saw he had used me as a canvas to draw a fucking moth on my chest. He told me some bullshit about moths looking for light in the dark, etc, but I froze when I saw what he had used to ‘express himself’. He draws a moth on me with damn fucking permanent, black, SHARPIE!_

_It took the goddamn cake. Dear diary, Raph is really A PAIN IN THE ASS. I sent a pic to Donnie and he explained how to get rid of it. I am trying very hard to not imagine what Donnie might do with a close-up of me in my underwear. If Donatello relapses about me, Raph has only himself to blame!_

_Raphael is such a lovely character._

_This jerk could complain: I got to learn that Raph loves his routine as much as Leo does. He blew a fuse about the music I was listening to while he was using the vacuum. Apparently, he misses Leo's zen music or something like that. He moved my damn couch and all the furniture in my father’s room because it wasn’t correct feng shui. He told me that being there was already bad and he didn’t need to be surrounded by negative energy. I have an aunt like that. Last time I checked, she started her own sect of cultists in Belgium._

_I still don’t understand, even now that I'm writing to you, dear diary, why Raph misses everything he hates so much. It's not like Donnie and I haven’t talked about Raph needing therapy. I wonder if I could use some of my father’s books?_

_So, after having left him in front of the computer, I went to do my private business, telling myself that he had lived seventeen years with his brothers, and he would know more than me what they would like. When I came back, Raph had put me into debt with Paypal by $1,200, but he looked so happy that I didn’t say anything. Besides, I know he didn’t do that on purpose. He has no idea of the value of the money, having lived from Donnie's razed detritus all his life. So, I kept silent and looked at his purchases:_

_Leonardo was the proud owner of a Japanese tea service from the supplier of the Danish royal family, nothing less. Leo is the only one who drinks tea in their family, but to look at Raph's order, seven other Leonardos live with him. Reminding myself that their argument was my fault, I swallowed the $540 and shut up. Raph explained to me that he would have liked to add weapons, but everything he had seen seemed like newbie shit for a wannabe._

_Mikey had a collector's edition of WOW, and Donnie, a first printing original edition of Darwin._

_“And you?”_

_“Bah, you know..oh ... I don’t need anything.”_

_I had bought alcohol and Tropicana orange juice and still had my other stash. Donnie had asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday party, so once Raph was pretty wasted, I typed to Donnie that what I really want is make-up sex between Leo and Raph. Whatever it takes to kick Raph out of my house and feed my fantasies._

_‘That could happen!” Don replied._

_Shit! I don't remember looking forward to my birthday this much since I was seven years old and I asked for Barbie's Malibu Dream House._

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm sick of this shit. What I really want for my 18 years is for Raph to GO HOME. He makes me crazy with his Emo-kid routine, and it’s not stress because today is my birthday, this manic-depressive behavior is apparently his entire LIFE. So, dear diary, I write to you hiding in my closet with my T-Phone as a lamp, bitching about Raph, the mutant turtle who wears a red bandanna to warn us that he is PMSing all the time!_

_The more I think about it, the more I think that the day they distributed qualities like kindness, patience, politeness, etc ... he had gone to take a piss (by throwing some poor girl dealing with her Diva cup out of the stall). You have to be a “I don’t fucking care” type like Mike, a workaholic like Don, or Buddha himself (Leo <3) to endure this character on a daily basis. That or have family ties. But having none of those qualities, after thinking it over again, I told Don that what I really wanted for my 18th birthday was for Raph to move to Missouri. Don just repeated his "It can be done", as usual. I think Don doesn’t care about me. If something's alive and he can’t perform vivisection on it, he doesn’t care._

_So, I decided to grow a pair. I called the master of souls of all Hamatos, that is to say Leonardo, the reason for the presence of my dear guest. Obviously, I wasn’t lucky enough for Leo to come to stay here instead of his brother! I digress. So I called Leo to the rescue. I aired my grievances, and this ‘asshole’ (to quote his brother) had the nerve to tell me something like, "Oh, dear, I didn’t know that Raphie was misbehaving, that’s not his usual habit! I didn’t raise him that way..."_

_He had all the bad faith of a mother when the principal calls to say that her son drew obscene graffiti on the walls of the school! "Oh! My Raphie isn’t like that at home, something serious must have happened. Who there upset my sweet boy?!"_

_I said that, regardless of the cause of their dispute, I didn’t have to pay the price, and I had already put up with Mr. Sunshine for five days. Leo said that things were more complicated than that, but that he would try to find a solution for the benefit of all, first and foremost for Raphael, the poor misunderstood soul._

_I barely held back a huge ‘Fuck you!’_

_So, to break all this down, dear diary, I will give you some examples of the emotional roller coaster that is Raphael Hamato. There was a moment, surely in another life, that I enjoyed the song "Everybody Hurts" by REM. This song is now ruined for life, and I will never hear it again without throwing up strawberry-ice-cream-flavored vomit. I had to hear this song for HOURS, while Raph slowly ate tons of Haagen Dazs, staring into space. When his spoon finished digging and the carton was empty, he would come out of his trance. Suddenly he would get violent and throw his bowl and spoon against the wall. Then, he listened to trashy heavy metal bands screaming ‘Fuck everybody, kill yourself’ until my neighbors came knocking to complain that they are going to call the cops._

_There are times when he locks himself in the shower, monopolizing my only bathroom for hours, refusing to even answer me. It makes me a little nervous. I know that the shower is where all male teens masturbate, but three “showers” a day seems to be going overboard. Then he demands I go get more strawberry Haagen Dazs and beer to soften his tormented soul! When it comes to whims, he is worse than Elizabeth Taylor, and I almost sorted out a bowl of red M & M for him. Moreover, as a good tortured artist, he writes pages of stuff that looks like emo poetry. I wanted to read some, but he bellowed that I wouldn’t understand it. He tore up the paper as soon as he put down his pencil because’ humanity can’t understand my pain’._

_The only real advantage of having Raph at home is cleaning. I considered Raph to be a disorderly turtle, to be polite (his room rivals Mikey's, Donnie once gave them an “insalubrity test” to determine who was the proud owner of the worst junkyard. Raph slept with Leo when they fumigated the colony of cockroaches under his bed,) but no, every morning this turtle turns into a Sicilian housewife on amphetamines and bellows that my mess is fucking up his emotional well-being with its negative energy. So, he's all over the place with rags and spray bottles, so much that I'm stunned to watch him. Speaking of amphetamines, he asked me if I had anything stronger than beer. Paralyzed with surprise, I only shook my head. I don’t take hard drugs and I admit to being a bit scared. Raph hopped up on pills seems like a very bad idea to me._

_I thought of slipping him antidepressants by making him believe that they were a badass new drug, or maybe pulling some kind of placebo trick. I secretly searched through my father's psychiatry books, but Raph has so many problems, he could have his face pictured next to the explanation of at least five diagnoses! It pains me, but I must admit it: Raph, if he were human, should have a stay in an institution. But because he's a mutant, he has to deal with all this mess alone. He is surely unhappy (Duh!). I don’t understand how Donnie, so smart, and Leo, so responsible, leave him in pain like this. He needs help. In fact, at this moment, I hear him breaking dishes. Maybe it's me who needs help, and courage to return to face that tidal wave of emotions._

_I told Donatello about Raphael's request. Don told me not to give Raph anything at all, because he had an addictive personality (he doesn’t create the addiction, it's the opposite, do I need to clarify that?) and that Raph already had a lot of demons to fight. My T-Phone is also a problem for Raph. No idea where his own phone is. Donnie tells me it’s probably in the East Side River, which seems possible. I had to silence my phone because the vibrations made Raph anxious. He jumped out of his shell almost every time it buzzed and bellowed that it'd better not be that ‘bastard Lame-o-nardo’_

_Whenever I get a text from the leader, Raph rushes over to read them like a vulture spotting roadkill. I tell him that it might be personal, but Raph doesn’t care and reads the message greedily. Leo's daily texting is still very neutral._

_Anyway, after Raph sits there like a corpse with my T-phone in his hands for HOURS, I dare to walk back into my own living room. Then, Raph opens the freezer, takes out the Haagen Dazs and begins to eat his emotions, listening to his music ... and the sequence begins again._

_I tried to get him to verbalize his feelings, but I ran into a "I don’t know what you're talking about, Red, I'm fine. Can you hand me that bottle of whiskey? No, I don’t need a glass, I'm going to drink it from the bottle” - but not polite like that. I asked Raph why he drank so much, and he said that since he was going to die young, he wanted to make up for the years he couldn't drink. Raph looked so serious that I got goosebumps._

_I forgot to say that he refuses to let me cook. He is afraid that my period will poison him. I told him that was superstitious bullshit, and that anyway my period was over, but he said he didn’t trust the word of an animal that bleeds for six days without dying, because it wasn’t natural or something. Okay, he was dead drunk when he said that (like every day from 5:00 pm), but I'm tired of eating raw meat twice a day (from the guy scared of blood!). As soon as Raph leaves, I think I will become a vegetarian!_

_The only good thing is that my manager agreed to give me six paid days off ‘the death of my aunt’, so I don’t have to go back to work until next Thursday and I don’t have to leave Raph alone in my apartment. I’m glad for the time off, but I wonder what Raph and Mikey have done to threaten that poor guy. Maybe I should ask for a raise, too. I'm going to ask Raph what they did when he stops going around in circles, bellowing that he's bored._

_For a guy who lived in the sewers, under a dictatorship, I find Raph quite picky about entertainment. I even offered sex, just to stop the pacing! He looked disgusted, as if he didn’t jerk off every night in my father's bed. I can hear the creaking springs and grunting loud enough to know he's not knitting. He must cum twice before getting to sleep, and even then, I can say he sleeps badly. I hear him tossing and turning around constantly through the wall and suddenly, I sleep badly too._

_I also caught him shopping online again. When I arrived at the scene of the crime, it was too late. I don't even know what this addict bought. ‘Just a little trinket for that asshole,’ aka Leo. His ‘trinket’ cost $130! His therapeutic stay at home is starting to cost me a lot of money! It must end!_

_So, since Leonardo seems to think that I'm capricious and that I slander his "Raphie", I pulled out the heavy artillery. I took advantage of Raph being in full artistic delirium to hide and call up Fearless. I said that his little brother had asked me to buy him hard drugs, and that he seemed suicidal. Leo didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then he yelled what I supposed was Japanese curses. I know that when Leo feels something strongly, like anger, he expresses himself in that language, like Master Splinter when he shouted at them as kids. Then he asked to speak to Raphael. That got me scared. Raph was going to kill me for this lie! I hung up fast, like, ‘Oh shit! My kitchen is on fire ‘and I hid my T-phone under the mattress. That was only a delay. The turtles are coming over tonight for my birthday… Raph didn’t want to go out and I don’t dare leave him alone. Leo is too much of a gentleman to fuck up my birthday, but then I didn’t think he was the kind of guy who would go crazy about boardgame rules either. Dear diary, if I die a virgin, I swear to haunt the lair after my death._


	14. Geisha balls and dulce de leche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art by Neat Tea above and middle  
> art by Lolita under

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Since my head stopped to throb and my guests have left, I can finally tell you the story of the day of my 18th birthday, made from my own blurry memories as well as fragments of videos shot by Donnie. I'm going to try and do it in chronological order, telling you what happened between the moment when Raph was still locked up in the bathroom at 8:00 pm on Friday, and the moment Leo gave me haircut at 8:00 am on Saturday, after that I woke up in the bathtub, naked, with Mikey, both covered in hardened dulce de leche. As you can guess, dear Diary, a lot happened between these two events._

_So, as I pointed out, all the action started when Raphael, seeing me cleaning the living room, asked me if 'I was waiting for the 'friggin President Lincoln' like super indignant that I'm not content with his solely pleasant presence. This epic jerk was so thoroughly into his drama that he didn’t even remember it was my birthday. I told him and he almost freaked out. In my deep naiveté, I thought he was feeling bad for having forgotten about my birthday, but of course not! He had just realized that his brothers now being my only friends, they would surely come over. He wasn’t ready to meet his own sibling that he’s been so busy being angry at for the last few days. He really lost it and I almost got scared he would throw himself from the balcony, like a good drama queen would have done._

_But he took the mature decision of locking himself in the bathroom. I asked him to open the door to me, because my makeup bag was there, but he gently replied that he didn’t give a dogshit. I told him that Leo wouldn’t be here before 9 pm, and it was only 8:10 pm and therefore, the coast was clear enough to let me put some foundation and lipstick on. He claimed that it had nothing to do with Leo, that he just wanted to be alone, that’s it, since I was always breathing on his neck. As if. I replied that it was obvious that he was missing his brothers. He denied the fact and said he was only missing his routine, since I don’t let him getting comfy enough at my place, because I’m a bad hostess. I didn’t know what irritated me the most: his bad faith or selfishness._

_I let him struggle in his denial. A Nazi officer would be most likely to admit to be half-Jewish than Raph missing Leonardo. I told myself that eventually he would get bored locked up in 7’ by 8’ bathroom. Reflecting, I realized that my mistake in my interactions with Raph is that I speak to him as a grow-up mutant while Leo treated him like an unreasonable four-year-old. And the leader's method has always been more successful than mine. So, I decided to follow the good old method of parents who abandon their brats in front of the toys at Walmart. Eventually, he would notice that he was bored alone in his corner. Too bad for my makeup. It wasn’t like I had someone to seduce._

_It had been fifty minutes since Raphael was sulking in the bathroom when I heard a knock on the window. The turtles came in, and immediately Leonardo asked where Raphael was, hands on hips and his chin raised proudly, like he was freaking Julius Caesar on the forum and not a teen in my living room._

_I froze for a moment. I wasn’t sure, but something about Leo had changed, however I couldn’t put my finger on it. I replied that Raph had been in the bathroom for a while. Leo only said “Oh" and handed me the package he was carrying and that I presumed to be my present and a cake box. Mikey and Donnie put down the rest, which consisted of alcohol and a camera because ‘You need to keep some memories’ Don said. I opened my eyes wide. Okay, the turtles love me and it's my birthday, but booze is usually prescribed by their leader._

_Leo came closer to kiss-birthday me, but it was only to question me in a low voice about his barricaded brother. At that moment, I had already forgotten the huge lie I told Leonardo about Raph wanting to end himself. I was lost for words and he took a step back to study my face to catch any glimpse of lie on my features. He repeated his question and there, dear Diary, it is practically one of my only consistent memories, I wet my panties of excitement because, since I wasn’t wasted yet, it could not be an illusion. It was real and a Chippendale could have cock slapped my face that it would have had less effect._

_Leonardo had a tongue piercing._

_Was it a challenge between the brothers? Did Don dared him to do it in order to drive me crazy? No idea, but the fact is that Leo was no longer in front of me and I was still staring where he was a few moments earlier.The dichotomy between the leader's moral rigor and this incredibly hot jewel in his tongue was too much to handle for a virgin like me. I sat, feeling almost physically wounded, remembering the chapter about oral sex in Leo’s book. It was like my ovaries were melting in front of such a forbidden display of erotism._

_I have never been a fan of piercings, but I think Leonardo would be able to make fishing boots and a raccoon cap attractive. But Karai was probably into piercing, I mused. Had Leo done so as a mean to seduce her again? It was so romantic. It was a big deal for Casey to lend me his coat when I was cold._

_So I was there, staring in the void, busy to imagine how would the barbel feel if it’d run through my trembling body to finally reach my clit on fire. I already felt tense and hypersensitive and shit, I had seen this thing for less than a second. How the fuck will I manage to look at him in the eyes? All of sudden, I understood all of Casey’s struggles with very-low cut dresses._

_Leo then handed me his gift and, after unwrapping it, I almost burst out laughing hysterically. I really believed it was a joke, until Leo told me with the seriousness of the Dalai Lama that:_

_“Those are called Geisha balls, even if there is a misconception about Geishas being prostitute” Leo explained. “Historically, the so-called geisha balls were made from jade and I chose to respect this tradition. In addition, this jade stone reduces mood swing and bring inner peace. As you know, these balls were used in ancestral practices to activate and control the muscles of the perineum. Those who master this technique maintain excellent female health and their sexual organs remain as firm and vigorous as those of virgin girls. It will allow you to progress in your personal and spiritual development,” Leo concluded, with the benevolence of a fairy around Sleeping Beauty’s crib._

_I think that was pretty much his speech and I guessed it had something to do with the DivaCup incident. But all I did was to stare shamelessly the silver flash on his tongue, wondering what effect it would have on mine. By reflex, I constantly wiped the commissure of my mouth not to be surprised drooling like a damn cartoon in front of Jessica Rabbit._

_It was surreal. I looked at the three balls of jade and I didn’t get it. It was clearly Donnie’s plot to drive me crazy. The bewitching skin of Leonardo was of the same hue than the balls, his choice had nothing to do with this esoteric shit he just babled about. There was something else, it should be._

_“It was actually Donatello’s idea,” Leo continued. I knew it! “But I do fully agree that great feminine health is the best gift to give to a young lady.”_

_I was still wondering if I should be offended to get balls to strengthen my vagina as a present when I realized Leo had gone to see Raph. Leo had held back for like ten minutes. We couldn’t expect more from him._

_They fought from each side of the door and I was feeling validated in my complaint about Raph’s being impossible. The leader was starting to lose his coolness when suddenly, Mikey spun the tables by throwing that it was better like that because Raphie being an ‘Attention whore’ Mikey could have Leo’s and that it was too bad for Raph who wouldn’t see Leo's sexy change._

_I still don’t know if it was curiosity or jealousy that had got the best of him, but Raph claimed that the beer was his only source of motivation. Who does he think he is deceiving?_

_Raphael refused to look at Leo, but it was obvious that he was dying to know the change. As for me, I tried not to look, but my face must have been telling enough. And there, I had my third surprise of the evening. Leonardo, Mr. Bushido himself, accepted a glass of alcohol. I then knew that the evening wouldn’t be ordinary._

_While Leo and Mikey were setting the table for the cake, I expressed my amazement to Donnie who asked me if I had noticed the ‘change’ in Leo. To my affirmative answer, he replied that he accepted to do the piercing, under the sole condition that Leo should drink five drinks. I blinked and I exclaimed a little too loud:_

_“But why a piercing?”_

_Raph asked what it was about. And then, Donnie coldly stated that their eldest brother got a tongue piercing. The poor soul spat out his beer choking and went face to face Leonardo in the kitchen. I followed with my vodka-cranberry cocktail, thirsty for drama and answers to my questions and I felt like the meme of Michael Jackson eating popcorn._

_I didn’t hear Raph’s question because I was too focused on having a good view of the silver barbel, but I melted like ice cream in July when Leo answered:_

_“The tongue is, according to the sexual Tao, an erotic weapon par excellence, and the first strategic instrument in the sexual act. In love like in war, your first hit must be strong.”_

_It was the first sentences of the chapter five of Leo’s book and I had mouthed along with him the end of the sentence._

_Then, he emptied his glass with a smug face._

_How can such a heavy answer be so powerfully erotic? No idea! Everything about the leader is an enticing mystery._

_Raph didn’t let himself be so easily wrapped up. I guess as a male and as a sibling, he’s better at resisting to Leo’s seducing aura than I am._

_“Who are you going to hit, Fearless? You just got dumped.”_

_“The success of an operation lies in its preparation.”_

_The three brothers wacked their own forehand. I didn’t understand. Mikey pulled me by the arm._

_“The very few times that Leonardo is drunk, each of his sentences is a quote from Sun Tzu. You know, the Art of War? He does this to prove that he didn’t lose it, but it’s a red light that he begins to loosen up.”_

_“But he’s only had one drink!” I had countered._

_“Yes, it was the glass for me, by me,” Mikey whispered, winking at me.”He has to have a drink in honor of each person: you, me, D and Raph. The next one will be Donnie's.”_

_“And he will continue to quote this idiotic author all evening long?” I exclaimed. I was hoping for better tipsy confessions._

_“Hey! Don’t denigrate Sun Tzu, Ape, it's a classic! But eventually, yes he will move on to his next level.”_

_In the background, Raph was still protesting that Leo had got a piercing for fuck all and that he will only get an infection for his trouble. Leo was retorting some cryptic shit like: ‘Be subtle to the invisible; be mysterious to the inaudible; then you will be able to control the destiny of your opponents’ and “Do not repeat the same victorious tactics, but adapt to the particular circumstances.”_

_I remind you that while these anciental rantings came out of his mouth, the silver bar sparkled at every word, as to taunt me. It was probably also taunting Raphael, because he uttered a cry of exasperated rage. I sighed and poured a double vodka in my glass, while Mikey snickered away._

_Here ends the part where I still had my mind. The rest is a lot more blurry._  
____

_I took a break, the time to swallow two Advil and get some water. So, I vaguely remember that Mikey's cocktail for Leo was "The good mood potion" or whatever. He made me one after my double vodka. It was actually a cocktail called "Redhead" with vodka, white cranberry juice, soda and clementine juice. I accepted because, since it looked like what I was already drinking I told myself I wasn’t going to be hangover if I stuck on vodka only. I can be so stupid sometimes. After that, I told Raph that he’s crazy to have beliefs such as ‘women in their period could poison strawberry jam’._

_The atmosphere seemed lighter and the glasses emptied quickly._

_The cocktail prepared by Donnie was named and I remember that, "The Serum of Truth" and it was damn good. Don prepared the drink for each of us but not for himself. But Leo, the hawkeye has noticed and made him drink two rather than one, in retaliation of his attempted trickery:_

_“The war is similar to fire, when it continues it endangers those who provoked it,” he said (or something like that.)_

_Raph put on some resistance, preferring his beer, protesting that he had already drank the sweet piss that Mikey served him, but Leo whispered something and Raph took his drink. I knew I was going to regret and I asked him what he had said to convince Raph, not out of real interest but just to watch his tongue closely. Sun Tzu has can’t have an answer to everything, right?_

_"The great science is to make others want everything you want them to do, and to provide them, without their being aware of them, with all the means to assist you.”_

_Yes, it seems that this Asian guy has planned from the grave all that his reincarnation would have to deal with._

_It was not long, after drinking my cocktail "Truth Serum" that I felt funny. On the video, I watched Don preparing them. It look like a legit cocktail but maybe there was something in the jelly bear he used to decorate the glasses? That must be it because we see it on the video insist that we eat them (Mikey didn’t need encouragement). Raph claimed that he didn’t have a sweet tooth and I burst out laughing at the dozen of empty containers of Haagen Dazs in my bin. But perhaps it is me who is just paranoid, who is looking for excuses for what will happen later._

_I had four drinks and I started to giggle stupidly if I trust my clone on the screen. Leo and Raph were both staring at their drinks, all stiff on the couch. Mikey suggested we play games._

_There, I swear dear Diary, it looks like this bastard of Donatello took pleasure in editing video footages, because it seems to me that it didn’t happen in this order. But since obviously, I was drunk, my testimony is not credible. The first game we played, according to the video is "Guess the word". Each person had to write five words and then each had to guess the others by miming or drawing the word, but all starting with the designated letter that was the "N". While the others had picked things like ‘Nail’, ‘Naked’ and ‘nacho’ I found this morning three papers on the floor that I bet to be those of Donnie. Here's what this little jerk, who thinks he's funny, has chosen:_

_-Novocaine (the one I picked while I had no idea what it was, I think.)_

_-Nabuchodonosor_

_-Nihilism_

_I have no idea of what I really got because on the video, you see an April only laughing nervously. After failed guesses for two long minutes like :’Napolitan sauce’ or ‘Nausea’ I dropped on the couch._

_I had just learnt that all of the turtles had a special gift for mimes, even Raph. And it wasn’t even funny because all of the words, except those of Donnie, were immediately guessed by Leo. I believe that by being the conscience of his brothers, he has come to read in their minds._

_Then we put an Oreo on our forehead and with our facial muscles, we had to get it down to our mouth. It seemed that my face has not much more muscles than my vagina. This damn cookie was always falling in my bra._

_Leo was too good at this and I complained about how he should not play, and be the judge instead, because he was already too good at everything._

_“The warrior's fight does not stop on the battlefield,” he replied. Indeed, I should have known better._

_We then played a blindfolded game. We had to try to which turtle belonged the legs we were touching. I remember a little bit of that moment. I was stunned by how, without difficulty, only by the legs, without the slightest hesitation, each turtle recognized the others. When it was my turn, I became nervous. Not because I was afraid of losing, no: because I was going to be able to feel up Leo, my ultimate fantasy since Justin Bieber when I was twelve, with impunity. I distinguished Raph and Donnie right away, by their calves. Raph is the most muscular and has the scars of a gladiator who had to fight for his life against Freddy Krueger. Donnie has only little muscle around the tibia bone. It remained to decide between Leo and Mikey who had a similar built._

_Just watching the video, I am so ashamed. It was obvious that I was enjoying myself, while I was caressing Mikey's calf sensually. But with the blindfold, I didn’t know it was him. Finally, he exclaimed that I was tickling him and the game ended. So shit, I never got to Leo, who was waiting next to Mikey. But I thought that it was still early and I was going to find another opportunity._

_On the video, Mikey tries to harass Raph to make his cocktail. It was his turn. But, Raph told Mikey to do it himself. The camera did a close up on Leo's face. I think Donnie did it on purpose. Leonardo's eyes were fogged with a mixture of tenderness and sensuality (but that's probably my imagination)._

_He was speaking with such a jazzy, low rumble but, unfortunately, he had reached the next level, yet._

_“When the Administration and orders lack firmness, men's morale is low and officers are enraged” he explained to Raph._

_But Donnie’s protests covered Raph’s reply._

_“I am doing a safety anxiety attack because of your venous delusions!”_

_Leo and Raph having lowered their tone, we do not hear the rest of their conversation, rather the nonsense between Mikey and Donnie, worthy of the Mad Hatter and the March Hare:_

_“I think there’s strawberries in this cocktail.”_

_“From a strictly Freudian point of view and if we forget the graph theory of the initial version, you are not quite completely wrong,” Don replied._

_“Can you see if we have ten strawberries? I think we have to …” (Mikey can barely speak)_

_“My prefrontal cortex can not relay the information named above in a biometric time frame,” Don protested._

_Finally, I vaguely remember having found strawberries, taking a lot of time to count them, and then cutting them. All the ten of them._

_Raph’s cocktail was called, “Elixir of Forbidden love”_

_Leo resisted to get his glass filled. He said he drank enough and that he had to watch over his brothers. Raph began to protest that Leo didn’t have the right to refuse HIS cocktail, which, incidentally, he must have made from the couch by psychic force because I didn’t see him move his ass once to help, too busy with the living military treaty. Leo yielded, unwilling to offend Raphael._

_Mikey began to cuddle his brothers to get them to play another game. This kid must be entertained constantly and when he sat on top of him, putting his arms around his neck, Leo agreed very quickly._

_The brothers love to play Truth or Consequence, Mikey has already told me about it. I know they challenge themselves with dangerous shit like to put a finger in an electronic outlet or to stick their tongue on a metal pole in winter. I would have rather played strip poker. But hey, being the birthday girl doesn’t mean my opinion is needed. Donnie told me: "You wouldn’t have survived more than a nanosecond in a feudal system whose members live in phallocracy." I was speechless after that, even if I still don’t get what it supposed to mean. I guess Don couldn’t either._

_So I was asked to start the game and there, dear Diary, there were so many things that came to my mind that I didn’t know what to choose as a question or challenge. Then, I decided to be bold._

_“Leo, I challenge you to kiss one of us. "_

_Obviously, I thought that, being the only girl and the only person unrelated to him, and moreover, we will admit it, the cutest one, he was going to opt for me. I was bracing myself to remain cool, and I could see myself already offering my lips on the video._

_Of course, I shouldn’t have imagined that something nice would happen to me for my own birthday._

_When Leo's lips were crushing Donnie's, I could tell my heart missed a beat._

_I was humiliated but I thought it was the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. Leo and Donnie are the least likely to be drive by lust among the turtles (well it was my opinion before) but seeing these two brothers making out were making me all fuzzy. Leo could have been the one having started it, Don was eager as fuck, obviously._

_Since the turtles have left, I keep replaying this part. It's never getting old._

_**the kiss scene in Apri's birthday movie.** _

_Donnie's hands began to venture under Leonardo's shell, which deepened his kiss, at least according to my perception. I remember I was wondering if he was gay and I had been a beard all this time when Raph kicked my coffee table over, shouting that since we had reached a point of decay where brothers were kissing each other, he was going to bed._

_Leo interrupted his kiss to follow and Raph should have expected it since he didn’t lock the door._  
_In any case, it was useless because ninjas can pick up all the locks._

_Mikey said it was a shame we lost two players and we should play another game. Donnie refused and he said he had a perfect challenge for him, but Mikey would be too much of a chicken to do it. Sometimes Mikey's pride is as ticklish as his elders’. I think it was mostly related to his high level of intoxication. He claimed to be able to do everything._

_“You must succeed in taking Leo or Raph's bandana.”_

_Mikey paled several shades, but he nodded. I still don’t understand how it should be so highly disturbing. The fact is neither Leo and Raph show up after that._

_We were talking about which word was the sexiest to each of us._

_“For me, there’s nothing that I find sexier than dulce de leche, it’s warm and unctuous to pronounce” Mikey stated the first_

_I didn’t remember what ‘dulce de leche’ as on the spot and asked about it. Passed a point, alcohol in the bloodstream makes you lose your vocabulary._

_Donnie started to get into the scientific explanation but Mikey, in a pseudo accent of an unknown foreign language, pretended to show it to me by dragging me into the kitchen. The rest is a mystery. I just lost consciousness and fell asleep at some point._

_I woke up with a numb pain in a place where I had never felt it and it aches everywhere. No wonder; I had spent the night in the bathtub with a mutant Turtle. I was covered in gilded sticky sauce, even in my hair. Mikey was wearing Leo's bandana across his forehead and snored loudly while I was naked. Well, my white panties with green dots were still around my ankles. I never found myself in such a messy-and-shady situation._

_I got up cautiously, with an incredible headache. Leo was in the kitchen, his head in his hands, probably experiencing similar pain. I put my hand in my hair and I realized my hair was stuck in a big caramel-like knot._

_Leo looked at me and said something about cutting my hair because there was nothing else to do._

_I sat down and handed him the scissors with a gesture of no matter what you are doing, but don’t make noise._

_But during my impromptu and silent haircut, I could only come up with a realization, oh so disturbing:_

_I had sex with Michelangelo._

_They left for several hours and I only remember Mikey’s wink to me. And now, I just realized I heard snores in my dad’s bedroom. Frigging Raph is still there, spread on the bed. My damn virginity had been taken away but the turtles left me their damn troublesome bro and I was too hangover to notice it before it was too late. Raph was the fucking reason I wanted them to come over to begin with! And moreover,I now have a Jane of Arc hairstyle and it fits, since I'll probably die a virgin, admitting that drunk sex with a mutant didn't count. But well, I was still surprised about Leo’s handiwork. It was neatly cut. I guess he indeed has a gay streak inside of him or it was the habit of using sharp objects._

_I will never drink again and this time, I mean it._

* * *

 


	15. The morning after

_Dear diary,_

_I just made a huge, huge mistake. I was already in the deepest shit of my whole life, but I just needed it to get worse. I will try not to get too hysterical and tell you what happened. It was only several hours after they left, that I realized that the Hamato brothers had forgotten something at home. After having lamented on my headache and my haircut and fantasized about Leo and Donnie kissing, I heard a snore. The idea of what could be behind me almost kicked me out from my hangover state._

_Raphael was sprawled on the bed of my father. How didn’t I notice he wasn’t with his brothers, I wondered, cursing myself a lot. Why had they left him there? Too disturbed by Mikey's wink, I didn’t notice if all of the four siblings were leaving. I recalled the events of the morning. I had found Donnie sleeping in my bed and I pulled him out of there. I know for damn sure that Mikey was in the bathtub and that he left. Shit! I will never dare to take a bath ever again now and just the idea of going back into this room filled me with discomfort. Leo had brushed my hair with his hand as a goodbye when they left. This is when I noticed a rather strange smell that he was giving off. He also wore a rather impressive bruise around his neck. But I was too upset and sick to ask about it._

_How could I not notice the absence of the red turtle? No idea. Raph is the kind that’s difficult to miss. He usually stands out. Between my hangover, my trauma and the strange and captivating smell that came from Leo, I was unable to have clear ideas. But now that I’m thinking about it, Leo had sneaked away pretty quickly with his brothers to be sure to be safe in the sewer when I’d realize the gift he left me beside the geisha balls and the free haircut. The son of a bitch had taken advantage of my weak state. From his nirvana, Sun Tzu is probably proud of his student._

_Anyway, it was too late to beat myself up about how stupid I had been._

_In front of me was Raphael, who was hugging a pillow in his arms. I wanted to shake him up and ask him what he was still doing here, but I don’t have a death wish, yet. Raph has the reputation of attacking anyone who wakes him up since Mikey has been stabbed with the sai Raph had under his pillow. He looked harmless and was even smiling in his sleep but I had been fooled enough for the day._

_I touched him with the end of the broom I keep in my kitchen. I remained cautious in my temerity. Waking up needed at least a five feet gap._

_“Just five minutes, babe,” he mumbled in his sleep. “I won’t be late for practice.”_  
  
_Curious, I pushed his arm again with the handle of my broom. Obviously, the sleeping turtle was still in the fog of an erotic dream and I wanted to know more about it because it seemed like one of his brothers was involved in it. At that moment, I was so turned on by curiosity that I had forgotten about my own problems._

_Then he stood up as abruptly as a dummy from a haunted house, covering himself, as if I had never seen him naked. Damn, does a weapon, a belt and four pads really count as a piece of clothing?_

_“What are you doing, Red? Oogling me while I sleep?” Raph barked. As if. “What did you fuck with your hair? Where are the others?”_

_This asshole snapping at me was taking the damn cake._

_“They left!” I exclaimed. “I’m the one wanting to know what you're doing here! You had another fight with Leo? You’re the one who tried to strangle him or whatever?” I asked, very pissed. It was the worst day of my life and I was too fed up with the “Mikey situation” to spare Mister Personality's feeling._

_Raph went back to bed without saying anything, turning his shell to me and I was done. I did a quick Google search and I called Leo directly. I was ready to speak a language he would understand._

_He greeted me as usual, adding he hoped I wasn’t too disappointed from my new hairstyle and was feeling well. That bastard knew why I was calling him and I could barely restrain myself to tell him to cut his crap with his well-mannered act. I took a deep breathe and read the sentences I had wrote down._

_“If the general is generous, but incapable of leading, benevolent, but unable to restore order, his soldiers, like spoiled children, will be useless.”_

_I meant that if Leo couldn’t deal with his own brothers, no matter if they were an emotional mess or not, he couldn’t lead a team. I was pretty proud of my quote and was waiting earnestly about Leo’s answer. I wasn’t expecting that._

_“Do you know Sun Tzu?” Leo asked in amazement. “I have his book.”_

_I was about to retort to him that with the hundredth or so times he had dropped quotes, I feel like I know this guy better than my own father, but I got a call. Since it might have been important (I thought Casey might have been missing me or that my father suddenly remembered he didn’t give me a happy birthday call yet) I decided to take the call._

_“I have another call, I’m putting you on hold! Do not dare to hang up, Leo! I’m not done with you!”_

_I didn't let him reply and I got greeted by a hysterical voice. I needed to look at the caller’s ID to recognize Emmy._

_“Apprilll! I got a STI!” she yelled. “My father’s gonna kill me!”_

_I scoffed at the news. If Emmy was too dumb to think about protection, it wasn’t my problem._

_“This what happens with religious people, they deny their children’s any sex ed and then, their kids get a disease or get knocked up because they didn’t use protection,” I lectured before shutting myself off._

_Knocked-up. Protection. Waking naked in a bath all sticky and aching._

_I had the image of Don teasing me with these Cocksaurus flavored condoms and I dropped the phone on my knees. Catching a STI wasn’t at all my concern, even if it was possible Mikey has herpes because of this dirty underwear he sometimes wears. A much more disturbing question was haunting me._

_Could mutant give offspring?_

_If Don was using time and money to make condoms, it was probably for a reason._

_I cried for a while. I tried to comfort myself and thought that maybe I hadn’t had sex with Mikey. According to these damn condoms, the turtles all have a huge cock who could split a girl apart and even if I feel sensitive, I guess I should have felt even worse if Mikey had penetrated me. But then, why would I have removed my panties and why would have Mikey looked so pleased with himself?_

_I looked at my belly, barely daring to touch it, only grazing the tips of my fingers and I got some flashes of the Alien movie. What if Mikey had knocked me up? Dreadful images were playing in my mind. There’s no way I could tell my father. If he knows, he’ll kill me. If I’d get checked by a doctor, even just once, the life of the mutants would be unveiled and they would be chased down. I would be forced to go through the whole pregnancy for the sake of science and the baby would be a lab specimen for life._

_There’s no way I could tell Mikey either. He would take it as if he’s got a new video game that would never get outdated. There’s no way I could tell Leo about that either. Leo would slice Mikey’s junk and give it to me as a retaliation and force Mikey to collect quarter all day long to give me alimony. There’s no way I could tell Don either. First, it would hurt his feelings,I gave his bro out of drunkness what I never give it to him despite his courtship and kindness. Second, as a doctor, he could get rid of it, but then I know he would ask me just to wait a while for him to get more to dissect._

_There was only one solution, I told myself while I was having my meltdown. The morning-after pill. Nobody would ever know._

_I decided to get dressed and go get it, but it was like I wasn’t able to walk. The idea of the clerk look on me was frozing me. I’d get a lecture and what if I meet someone I know? My father was well-known by any pharmacist. Both of our redheads were making us stand-out. My father could be less bad than Emmy’s, but he would still send me to a private Catholic college for girls only._

_Then, I heard some noise coming from my father’s room and I remembered Raph’s existence. “I’m gonna get something good out of his obnoxious presence”, I decided. I could tell Raph. He wouldn’t be concerned about either me or the baby, since he doesn’t give a damn about thing outside his own drama. So he wouldn't give a shit about what Mikey could do with his dick if he wasn’t slapped with it. He wouldn’t want to dissect the fetus either. He was more likely to try to avoid the emotional shock to Leo that Mikey just stole him the first rank in this damn contest._

_I needed to actually talk to someone knowing first hand about the mutant sexual condition and well, I thought Raph was the safest choice. I knocked on the door like I wasn’t in my own home and I patiently waited for him to tell me to come in. He never did actually, so I pushed the door open, not controlling my nerves anymore._

_“Raph,” I started at the moment he wrapped himself again in the bedsheet like I didn’t already know he was wanking his monkey, “I need to talk to you.”_

_“Could you fucking wait a moment and give me some privacy, shit!” Raph snapped. “You’re always breathing on my damn neck and then, you go snitch to Fearless, telling him fucking bullshit about me to get me scolded.”_

_I remembered my big lie to Leo but I brushed it off. There was a more urgent matter._

_“I think I’m pregnant,” I exclaimed and as expected, Raph stopped dead on his track._

_“From Casey?” he asked, in disbelief. But it wasn’t long that he got riled-up again. “You tricked him to get married?”_

_Now, I was the one gasping in shock. I was pissed that it was what Raph was thinking of me and his first concern, but I guess it was male solidarity._

_“You watch too many romance movies,” I spat. “And no, it’s not Casey.”_

_Raph went quiet, knowing his best bud was out of the hook._

_“Is it someone I know?” he asked and when I nodded, he was even more troubled._

_“Donnie finally got you, right?” Raph asked with a nervous grin. “He put some rape drug in your glass or something or you were feeling really horny?”_

_“It’s not Donnie,” I replied. Donatello would have been much better, because even drunk, he would never be mindless to the point of forgetting about safe sex practice and I wouldn’t be in deep shit. But well, I was a little concerned to know that Don’s own brother was thinking he could pull such a dirty trick on me than drug my glass. I should watch my glass better around him from now on. But well, we are talking about Raph. I learned the hard way that this guy has his own movie studio in his head and sees conspiracies everywhere._

_Raph turned ashen._

_“Is it Fearless?” he asked and even if it was very uncalled for, I asked back:_

_“Who’s “babe”?”_

_“The fucking asshole!” Raph bellowed to the top of his lung, obviously not used to something called neighbors and too incensed to even hear my question. “He’s all gentleman but can’t control his little dick!” he yelled, kicking out the bed sheets and starting to get dress. “And you,” he said pointing at me threateningly, “don’t even think of getting married to him because it could make this big dummy take responsibility! I know you seduced him while he was drunk! Aren’t you ashamed?”_

_“I don’t want to get married, you stupid macho!” I snapped back. “Sewers isn't my dream place for a honeymoon! And it’s not even Leo.” I didn’t say that I would have preferred it, because Raph was so pale that I thought he was about to faint._

_“Have you… Raped me while I was asleep?” he asked and I just stared, speechless about how he had come to this conclusion. “You wanted to have my alpha genes for your kiddo? Let’s make it clear! It was rape! I won’t pay any alimony!” he roared._

_“It’s Mikey,” I deadpanned. “We were both drunk and it seems we had sex. So I’m here to ask you if mutants can reproduce with human or not.”_

_Then, Raph burst out laughing._

_Not giving a shit about how worried and in a bad situation I was, he only rolled on the bed, holding his rips, tears running down his face._

_I slapped him. Now we were even._

_“Would you damn answer me?” I growled. “You said I snitch you to Leo, but I never told him you slapped me.”_

_Raphael turned more serious. It was thrilling to get an upper hand on him for once._

_“How could you laugh at me when the situation is so uncalled? I’m in deep shit and well, Mikey too.”_

_“It was a nervous laugh, kay?” Raph retorted, but I was far from convinced. “Mikey being able to get it up for you under everybody’s noses is quite a shock. But to answer your question, I guess so? I’m not enough of a fool to be into human girls, but Don warned us about that during our sex-ed classes.”_

_Knowing more about these sex-ed class was probably interesting but it was a tale for another day. I was dead meat. If Don said it was possible, it was._

_I counted the days since my last periods and I realized I was near my ovulation. I burst in tears._

_Raph was telling me about how surprising it was since, with Leo and Donnie around, it was weird that Mikey had got that far and he wanted to know how I could be sure of that if I was drunk, but I interrupted him._

_“I need you to break into a drugstore tonight and steal a pack of morning-after pills for me!”_

_Don’s classes must not have been that great, because Raph had no idea of what that was and I had to explain it to him. I showed him what the package looked like and I was hoping that my problems were over. But then, something happened that I didn’t see that coming._

_“I won’t help to kill my own nephew or niece,” he told me. “Your spread your legs for my bro, you can bear his child!”_

_I explained to him that it happened like twelve hours ago and so there wasn’t any heartbeat yet or whatever, but he refused. Raph was a fucking damn stubborn hardcore pro-life. When would my bad luck end for fuck sake! I should have known better than entrust a man fearing menstrual blood with my feminine health._

_Now, I had no choice. Either I go to the drugstore by myself or I ask for Donnie’s help. I didn’t feel like getting more people involved and now, I even had to figure out how to shut Raph off. Then, I got one of these spur-of-the-moment ideas._

_“I asked for a pack because I got a call earlier and well, Karai is in the same situation as me,” I lied. “She was with Leo two days ago, and…”_

_“You should have told me this sooner!” Raph yelled in a blind panic and the next thing I know, he was jumping down my balcony in the middle of the afternoon. I ran to the window, scared for him. If he was seen, he was done. It was my fault but I didn’t imagine he would react so harshly. I just took the chance that maybe he would be less concerned about the wellbeing of his nephew or niece if it was from Karai. If Raph died in his attempt to break into a drugstore in daytime to get some morning-after pill, I'm also dead. Anyway, I will never forgive myself. For the hundredth time, I tried to dig myself out of a hole, and wound up in deep shit._

* * *

 

_Dear diary,_

_I was waiting fidgety during the whole afternoon for him to come back, when I got a text from Donnie._

_‘Leo wants to apologize for having hung up on you. He waited patiently for you to finish your call, until he got punched by Raph ten minutes ago. But he would be very pleased if you could call him back when he will have removed the iced pea bag from his jaw, because he wants to have a very important talk with you. Mikey also wants to thank you for yesterday’s demonstration. He is sure he would get rich with this dulce de leche body sugaring. I’m setting on a website to sell it atm.’_

_Flashback flooded my mind and I remembered that I got naked to only show how dulce de leche could be great if used for body sugaring. This was the reason I was feeling like aching and stinky. I just went too far because I was drunk and even tried to use it down there._

_Mixed feeling came to me. Leo got punched for no reason and I could guess by the time that passed that Raph could have been as far as throwing the morning-after pills pack at Karai’s face. Also, what Raph did was dangerous and could have endangered all of their lives. Raph did it because of my lie and I didn’t prevent him to do so. Karai would never want to deal with Leo again and I would be lucky if I’d only get a lecture. I was also ashamed of having practiced Brazilian waxing in front of Mikey. But after a long period where I bumped my head on the wall, I decided it deserved a drink. I wasn’t pregnant and well, Raph had returned to the lair. What can I say? I’m getting used to feel ashamed and regretful._

 


	16. Booze, mistletoe and kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No English beta.

_December 17,_

_I didn’t call Leo back. To be honest, I didn’t call Donnie, either. I just transferred to him the email from my homeroom teacher about my book report._

_I was too afraid to face them. By now, Raphael must have figured out I lied to him and even if he won’t feel bad a bit about having punched Leo, he had still hazarded his frigging life to get that pills. Raph is the kind of guy to hold grudges. Once, Leo forgot to put a fork on the table at his place. It was one year ago and since then, each meal or any opportunity he got, Raph made a comment about how he had to speak loud for the leader to notice his existence. So, telling that Raph would be extremely pissed at me for a very long time was an understatement. I can’t even use the slap as blackmail material. What I did was beyond that. I can’t hope too much for Leo’s intervention. I gave them so many trouble lately, there no doubt that if the lair was a real-life show, like the one where a bunch of strangers is trapped on an island I would be the first participant eliminated._

_Two hours after Don’s text, before the moon rises, I sneaked out of my house. It was time I made up with Irma, I decided and I even prepared a bag to sleep over. My father is supposed to come back soon. Until then, I have to find a back-up plan for each night._

_I rang at Irma’s house, ready to get on my knee to spend a few days there. She opened to me and I told her I missed her. It wasn’t quite true; I was just scared to death by Raph’s retaliation and well, also bored. The thing the closest from a girl talk I got in the last three weeks was probably my drunk chat about body sugaring with Mikey if I forget Karai’s smoothie incident at McDonald._

_She bargained her friendship like it was some pair of antique Chinese jar at Christie's. I still accept her offer and we settled for me doing her book report. I guess Donnie won’t mind doing two._

* * *

 

 _December 18,_  
_While Irma is at school, I have to do her laundry. This is the price to pay for her to not tell about my false illness. My father called me. He won’t be there for Christmas and I wonder what I would do. The deal to stay at Irma’s stop next Saturday, because her parents would come back from Aspen. On the other hand, my father said he has the best Christmas gifts for me. He will be there on the 27th. My father always feels guilty and compensates with presents._

_Irma told me that she got contact to make us fake ID. Since I look older with my new haircut, we would probably be able to enter the male stripper club. My haircut is fascinating Irma. She tried to bully me to know who was my hairdresser. I finished by telling I did it by myself (its kind of true). She wanted me to cut her hair when she would find the haircut she wanted. I accepted. I mean, if a mutant turtle who had not a trendy bone in his body could do it, I can too._

* * *

 

_December 21, I had been Irma servant all day since I’m here. I’m working tomorrow. I wonder what my boss would tell me. I’m kind of curious to know what they used to blackmail him but from the other side, I'm afraid Raph would wait for me. We didn’t get our fake ID yet and so, the strippers are postponed to Friday, after my work. It's weird are my diary entries are short when I didn’t see the turtles. Maybe they are the ones messing my life and not the opposite as I had thought. I can do just fine without them!_

* * *

 

_Thursday, December 22,_

_I received an email telling me that I received Raph's compulsive purchases this morning because he paid an extra (with my money) to get extra fast shipping guarantee before Xmas. What am I supposed to do with it? I can’t send them back with the mention ‘Moved back into the sewers.’ It also a shame since he chose it with a lot of care, for each of his brothers. I will see. It could be a good way to be forgiven. Anyway, I have to stop home because I’m lacking underwear and I have nothing sexy enough to go to the strippers club. I hope Raph had grown tired to wait for me._  
  
_I got a new manager. Her name is Sheila. She was running a McDonald in San Antonio, Texas, but her husband returned from Afghanistan all crazy because he thought she cheated on him while he was away. His proof was that she got a boobs job meanwhile. He tried to shot her and she decided to move a few states farther. She is cool. She talks about sex without stopping, but from her mouth, it doesn’t bother me like with the former scumbag. She kept saying that Mc Do had to get into Hot Dogs because she liked big sausages. Her jokes are all silly, but it made me laugh. I have not laughed for almost a week, so it feels good. But well, I’m kind of disappointed I would never know what happened with the former one._

* * *

 

_Friday, December 23 am._

_Irma kicked me out because I messed her hair. Its seem I have an early form of Parkinson or something. She said I did it on purpose because I did so well mine and that I have to pay her a wig. I refused and told her that if she had been so stingy, to begin with, she would have asked a real hairdresser._

_Anyway, I was tired to be her slave and well, the Danish Royal family tea set is waiting to be picked up. If it gets broken, Raph would make chopped liver from me and this time, it's not even an overstatement. I need to grow up a pair, like Casey would say and face him. After all, I sheltered him a while and bought him a shitton of strawberry Haggen Datz. Maybe Don would plead for my life? I did nothing to Donnie, really and Raph needs too much of Donnie’s brain to piss him off._

_I just finished my shift and arrived home. No angry turtle in sight. When I told Sheila about my fight she proposed to accompany me at the strippers. She said that it was passing rite in all youth and that she would act like my godmother. I didn’t tell Irma but I already have the fake ID Donnie did for me. I trust Donnie much more about illegal stuff than whatever shady person this bitch of Irma could know. Don all existence is based to live out of legality. For my own safety, I refused to know how he was making his money that he gave me for shopping and I also refused when he offered me to see what he had hacked from Zone 51. The first time I introduced Casey to him I said his name was Don like in ‘Don’t ask.’_

_Anyway, I accepted Sheila’s offer. I really wanted to go, to piss off Irma and to show I can do well without her (like I can manage to have fun without the Hamato brothers). With a cougar like Sheila, I would be even more sure to not have to show my ID. I chose my black dress, the one with a so low-cut that I hide it with my stash with a stiletto that I managed to buy after fourteen months of saving. I did my best for the make-up and now that I’m dolled up I can admit Leo did a really good job. This haircut gave me a more refined look. I’m so looking for this evening! I don’t need the turtles to have fun!_

* * *

 

_Saturday, December 24._

_I woke up in my room, fully dressed with my coat. What happened, I wondered or more accurately what happened again?_

_So I need to clear it up with you, dead diary. I will write down what I remember._

_First, I remember to not have drunk that much. We were sat not that far from the stage and I didn’t mind to get closer because I’m not that cock-thirsty, you know. We took each of us a drink. The ambiance was great and the staff very caring. And well, also very hot. I didn’t dare to stare. If Leo was there, he would say it was very unladylike to stare, so I tried to behave. But all those guys were so bulky, I feel like having 3D eyeglasses while looking at the abbs. You can shred cheese on it for fuck sake. If Raph was there, he would be pissed. He can’t have abs the poor whatever hard he works to have some. I think it's what he hates the most of being a turtle, even if he told me one he preferred to keep the shell than have a little dick._

_Then, Sheila insisted to get the $160 Veuve Clicquot bottle to get a VIP table. I just checked my bank account. Yesterday, I bought a gin tonic, half of a Champagne bottle and three water bottles. My dress still reeks from alcohol and I remembered with shame that I broken two Champagne glasses in a row and spilled it on my dress each time. Being that clumsy wasn’t me and I wondered if the Champagne was the reason. I already had Champagne and never been such a shameful mess. After the second glass was broken, the hot waiter wasn’t grinning at me like when I had entered and gave me a cheap plastic one as third glass. While I was waiting to get each time a new glass, Sheila was gulping the Champagne. So, I maybe drink only a quarter of it. Nothing there explaining my black-out, I can drink more than that a Wednesday in my living room while watching Netflix. I remember a girl who was puking in a restroom and to entertain her, her friend was telling about how she had sex with a teen who asked her his red baby doll as a memory and that she gave him because the baby doll was torn behind and that the guy was a bad fuck she wanted to get rid asap. I remember having sneered at this and also, the cute guy passing the mop… and then black out. Maybe I’m allergic to gin._

_***_  
_Ten minutes later. I just saw a note that was stuck in my window_  
_‘April. Never accept glasses from strangers. You were drugged and if it wasn’t I can still track you with our t-phone and see by your earring, you would have your first time on the back bench of a rusted Oldsmobile. He didn’t have time to go far, don’t worry and I maybe broke a finger or two when I caught him the hand in your purse. I made you vomit so that you don’t choke in your sleep. You must be more careful and also, you should really consider contraception, I searched your room and find nothing. Tell me if you need pills on a daily basis instead to ask Raph to be your errand boy. Ps. Find a friend of your age. This woman was busy filling a strip with rolled $ 10 banknotes while I was saving your naive teen ass.’_

_Okay. Donnie saved my life (well, my ATM card, a Second-cup loyalty card, and a $ 20 banknote) but this creep was frigging spying on me? He still records everything even when I’m going to the bathroom? What the fuck this pervert do while watching this video? I don't want to think about it! And he searched my room? I’m freaking out!_

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_I broke my earring and my T-phone right after having called Don and called him a big creep and perv. It was barely ten minutes ago and now, I got a meltdown. Donnie had done so much for me, that I couldn’t even remember everything. It was my second birthday with the turtles and all the precedents since the death of my mother had been dull. Without them, what would I have done? My father is in San Francisco and shut me up with some pocket-money._

_I curled up and cried. It wasn’t just that. I feel lonely. Casey isn’t there anymore. Irma is out too, Emmy doesn’t count (I wonder how she deals with her STI, thus). My father ... either he is not there, or he feels obliged to surround me with a protective net to act as if I matter to him. My aunt, my only other family, don’t give a damn about me. Yes, my new McDo manager is cool, but one guy assaulted me and she wasn’t the one coming to my rescue. I like to tell myself that I'm pretty, but that doesn’t seem to particularly matter to interest people in loving me. I have a shitty job, I'm not going to class and no one seems to care about me. Who would like to be April O Neil's friend? I don’t have anything special. All that I had, I owed it to my true friends, whom I called my brothers. Did I call them that just to be cool or just to interfere with their family, which I was jealous of, because I felt lonely? My eyes rested on Raph's gifts. They weren’t the only one having received gift. Raphael had chosen me cute amber earrings, representing the shape of a turtle (without camera). In fact, this hard, angry and violent guy had chosen his gifts with great delicacy and knowledge of his brothers. When I say "My brother", I talk about it as if I were a newbie trying to enter in a cool gang. When Raph says "My brother" it takes a whole new meaning. Okay, he often talks about Leo furiously, but deep within him, he adores him, that's for sure. I don’t understand all their interactions and motivations, but Raph will never let anyone hurt his Fearless. Me, if Leo were hurt ... yeah, I would be pained, but my reaction would be far below the one from his real brothers. In fact, for whom will I have this kind of reaction? Nobody loves me because I don’t genuinely care for anyone. I am only a stupid, selfish and superficial spoiled little bitch. The turtles don’t need me, because the four Hamato brothers are all there, for each other, despite the dissensions. I don’t have anyone like that. Still happy that they stopped this guy. I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t deserve anything because I have nothing to offer._

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Like summoned by whatever entity, the doorbell rang. My aunt is believing in guardian angels and she said that everyone is paired with the one fitting them the most. Well,I guess they picked a clumsy, lousy lazy lush like me, because at the door was Casey. With a fucking gift bag! At first, I couldn’t believe it. Actually, someone cared. Casey was there at Christmas with a gift. We kissed, he gave me the bag and I unwrapped this...obviously used red baby-doll. Torn in the back of course. I didn’t believe girl can do that, but I didn’t even slap him. I just punched him square in the jaw. I waited on my balcony that he walks in the street and I yelled to not forget his nightgown and I just got a perfect pitch on his head._

_I have nothing else to say. With that, I go back crying. Happy Xmas, April!_

* * *

 

  
_Dear Diary,_

_We are still December 24 and it's past 7 pm. I was in front of the microwave to defrost some Swedish meatball, in my yellow pajama, dishevel, dried leaking mascara still on the cheeks. And there, I said to myself:_

_"Shit"_

_I got dressed. I put the gifts of Raph in a bag and I'm preparing to go out to celebrate with the Hamato if they want me with them. I will sit on my pride and ask for forgiveness. I quickly prepared a little speech, I even found a way to slip a quote from Sun Tzu. This guy's quotes are so vague they adapt to all context or situations. It could put Leo in a better mood and anyway, he couldn’t mess-up his karma out of spite, right? I hope that Raph will be content with the strawberry Haagen Daz pot as a peace offering for him. I’m bringing Bourbon whiskey in case he's afraid it doesn’t look manly enough to like ice cream, in front of his brothers. For Donnie, well, I really made an effort in my dolling-up. I needed to be very pretty to avoid him to be too harsh on me. I called him a creep and a perv, but well, he must admit he deserved it! But thankfully, he isn’t spiteful like Raph, but still...Dear Diary, wish me good luck._

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_It's December 25, 11 am, and I survived Christmas Eve at the Hamato. Why did I come back so soon? I know you're not here to judge me so I'll tell you the full extent of my patheticness. Okay, I’m not sure this word currently does exist, but we should invent it just for me!_

_I had no T-Phone to warn them of my incoming presence. Only numbers entered by Donatello into their network can communicate with each other, I believe. As their friend, I am connected to the four of them, Casey with Raph and Karai was to Leo's. Leo’s phone in the acid, he lost the opportunity to communicate with her and explain himself unless to cross her path. But of course, I was the one having this chance._

_I guess my Guardian Angel tried to make up for Casey._

_I saw Karai on my way and she asked me where I was going. I tried to apologize, but she cut me off to ask me about Leo. I said I had no idea how Leo was doing but I told her the only thing I knew for sure: his piercing. And then, I saw a quite disturbing sigh. Karai with a cute face. She explained to me that it was for her with a stirred expression. Then, I was even more shocked: she confessed about some part of her sex life. I was there in the snow, holding gifts, some Christmas carol could be heard from where I was. It was so a magic atmosphere, in the holiday spirit, but it was the time that Karai was inspired to mess my horny teen mind even more. She told me that ... while Leo dilated her anus with his tongue, while caressing her clit with his other hand, she challenged him to get a tongue piercing as a love-proof, since for him, she had put a blue jewel in clit (Thank you Karai for this XXX mental picture, like I wasn’t already struggling enough to put a front with Leo) That Leo didn’t have the time to answer and he had received a strange text on his phone (mine about Mr.Blue’s dick, I bet) and left. But that, after their rupture, he had done it anyway, touched her. She pulled out of her leather jacket a matchbox and wrote something in Japanese as I explained why Leo had not called her (Raph's tantrum). She asked me to pass her message to Leo. I looked at the matchbox, but there was nothing to do, I didn’t go struck overnight by the sudden knowledge of kanji. It seemed harmless (well, this is just written sticks ) but my insides squeezed with anxieties. Passing this message from Karai to Leo, in the lair was like trying to pass from East-Berlin to West-Berlin with a pack of dynamite._

_But Leo would be grateful if I succeed and I would be assured to be untouchable if because of me he make-up with his girlfriend._

_The first person I saw was Mikey, in the living room. THE turtle for which I had NOT prepared myself to meet. I avoid thinking of him for a week. I can’t without feeling my cheek burning._

_Thankfully, I had gifts with me. If there is a way to distract or mollify Mikey it was good._

_He made no comment other than ‘What are you holding, April?’ ‘Is it for us, April?’ ‘Which is mine? ‘Can I open it right away?‘_

_His hands grabbed me like he was an adorable koala. He had been mad at me for a few days, after the pic, but it's over. His eyes were sincerely happy to see me._

_I asked where Raph was, trying to not look like too dreadful._

_“Oh, he's washing the dishes with Leo. We have just finished eating. You missed that April, but if you're still hungry, we put in the fridge some leftover for you!”_

_So, the Turtles had understood before me that without them, I was nothing and that I was going to return to the lair. I didn’t care to be so easy to read, because they were right. So I took my Haagen Daz to put it in the freezer and I headed for the kitchen. This meeting wouldn’t go that smoothly. I was on my way, holding out the ice cream and the whisked in front of me, like a shield when I suddenly stop on my track and stared._

_In front of the sink, Raphael's mouth was a hair's breadth away from Leo's, his hand pulling the leader's face closer to his, in what appeared to be the prelude to a hot kiss. Leo was opening his and I could see shine the jewel from his tongue. They were starting to making out and I was amazed while the two brothers fucking french-kissing instead of doing the dishes when I just dropped the Haagen Daz. Naturally, Leo's ninja instinct kicked in and he pushed back his brother, to point the mistletoe over their heads._

_“Good evening April! It's been thirty minutes since we washed the dishes and I just pointed Raphael this branch of mistletoe. You know, the custom? Human does that, right? Master Splinter told us about!”_

_I couldn’t believe Leo was cunning enough to use his poor deceased Sensei to hide his lust. Blame it on the dead ones! I thought of Sun Tzu. Shit, Leo really corrupted my mind. I thought, but I didn’t dare to say aloud the following quote:_

_‘All the art of war is based on deceit.’_

_I didn’t say it because I wasn’t in a position to play the smart-ass. My survival instinct was also telling me to drop it and that it was untimely to tell him about Karai._

_Raphael was PISSED of my interruption, like a queen prom could be if there a power-shortage just before her crowning. I don’t believe that any ice cream will repair this outrage in his heart._

_“So you are here to make sure I didn’t get killed on your errands?” he snarled._

_Leo nudged him to shut him up and, with his kind expression, approached me to wipe the ice cream taint on my dress. Then, he sniffed at me and whispered:_

_“Did you see Karai? I know this perfume.” Then, he stopped himself and looked over his shoulder. Raph was busy smashing the shit out of the dishes. “Once I was fighting her on a roof I mean, I smell it. The wind was against her,” he explained, very flushed._

_I barely restrained to tell him that a tongue in the ass was a new way to fight._

_Leo looked at me with the shy eagerness of a virgin in a drive-In, but seeing behind him Raph was making me very cautious. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place._

_I nodded and pulled the matchbox from my pockets that I discreetly passed to Leo. He slid it very sneakily in his belt._

_“April, come with me. I have to talk to you about the risks that you made take to my younger brother.”_

_I thought again about the aforementioned Sun Tzu’s quote._

_Raph gave us a sharp look, his face expressing a ferocious suspicion about what we were whispering and what was Leo’s true intentions. He called his brother with a hoarse voice, looking serious, as a warning telling him that they weren’t done with the dishes. Leo swore he would take only three minutes, to appease him._

_I felt the threat then._

_"One who excels at solving difficulties does it before it happens. "_

_I had seen enough strategy meeting ( and movie and video games) to understood that it was necessary to attack all fronts at once and always keep my defense. If I displeased Raphael too much, I would spend a horrible evening. I had to balance to let them all equally satisfied. I had to mollify the brute too._

_“Wait, Leo, I will clean my mess. You see, Raph? I bought strawberry ice cream!”_

_“So what?” Raphael folded his arms and stared at me defying me to continue on it._

_“I also have whiskey.”_

_“You want to use alcohol as a bribe?” he sneered. “Donnie has been breeding his own alcohol for two weeks. He converted part of his lab into a distillery or whatever its called.”_

_“Well, I also brought the gifts for your brothers ... from you.”_

_There, I had just aimed. His face lightened and under the grumpy teen, I thought I saw the kid he was before falling into a tank of steroids._

_I always doubted that Raphael and Mikey were really related or at least had raised together. When Raph took my package and dragged Leo by the hand with the enthusiasm of a child in front of his first snow, I realized that finally, I don’t know the Turtles so well._

_Arrived at the Christmas tree, Raph ordered Mikey to fetch Donnie. He had Leo sit in Splinter's chair and dragged me with him. I wasn’t fooled and I bet Leo, neither. He didn’t want me to talk to Leo. Raph is a lot less stupid than me. He knew that if I spoke to Leo, I was going to spoil the party. He had no idea what I could say, but I think that, from his animal part, he must have remained very instinctive. He didn’t know about Karai but he wanted to protect Leonardo from my ‘bad influence’. The fact is that Leo was fidgeting in his chair and I knew why, but with Raphael watching him like a bird of prey, it was impossible for him to slip away._

_I sat down while Raph explained to Leo how he was going to be knocked over by his gift and the only thing I could think about was their kiss. Mistletoe, my ass! I still don’t know what I had interrupted between them, but the thought was liquefying my ovaries. If someone didn’t know what sexual tension look like, I would show them. I was just passing in my head a LeoxRaph movie. And I can tell you that it was an 18+ movie. The only thing I couldn’t figure out was what combination made me get wet more: Leo taking over Raph over the sink and ordering him to focus on cleaning the dishes or Raph giving a lesson from humility to Fearless on the table, asking him to try to control himself to not cum. No matter, I imagined them, they invited me to join them and then, my mental camera was doing a close up on Leo’s pierced tongue whispering to me, "Hum, I see that you used my gift ... you're so tight, my April ... "_

_A cold voice brought me back to reality._

_“Here, the return of the prodigal son,” Don snickered, with his lab coat, his goggle and some rubber gloves on. “Watch out, April, you are drooling. Mikey, you won, I owe you 20 buck.”_

_“What? You bet on my return?” I asked. “That's why Mikey was so happy to see me again?”_

_“Come on, Ape darling, I'm happy only because I missed you,” Mikey replied but with a hint of teasing._

_“By the way the creep is done with your paper!”Donnie continued, rubbing his glove into his face, looking damn tired and I feel very bad. “And you know, I also have one for you to take pills. I can do some myself, but I don’t want to look like wanting to do pervy stuff with you! I guess you prefer the pill dropped in your glass by a random cute guy.”_

_Uneasy, I glanced to Raph at the pill mention, but he was too busy playing a staring contest, watching over Leo’s any heartbeat. Yep, Donnie could be spiteful too._

_Raph wanted to unpack the gifts. Mikey objected that they used to play games before and that the winner earn to open a gift. Leo wanted to oppose because this hypocrite wanted to disappear as quickly as possible to read Karai’s message. But in front of Raphael's sharp stare, Mikey's pleading puppy eyes (Donnie's ones only said, "I don’t care, can we be over already? I just want to go back to my lab to hack satellites, follow the strength of the yen, jerk off on hentai, find the philosopher's stone, or just snooze away from your madness.”) Leo was caught and yielded._

_Donnie then released his shark smile that I hate by the way, and said that before he wanted everyone to test his gift. I only remembered what it was when I was given a drink in my hands. I asked what it was and I immediately regretted:_

_“Pizza flavored Tequila.”_

_How could I swallow this horror? I had nothing against Tequila, but that dubious flavor was repugnant to me. Leo was looking dubiously at his glass and I guessed that it was more of the ‘Tequila’ part he found risky._

_Donnie explained that we had to put salt on our hand and bite into some lime. Leo hesitated visibly, not convinced by the "but it's your gift, Leo" and I think he said to himself that the faster he gave in, the faster he could get up and read the message. In the same way, to drink would give him more quickly a pretext for going to take a piss. Raph wouldn’t dare to follow. Would he?_  
  
_So while Mikey feverishly noted all the games he wanted to organize, I watched the resignation on the leader's peaceful features. And there, I couldn’t take my eyes off him, as he took the slice of lime between his fingers and out the tongue to lick salt on his hand to finally swallow the shooter in one gulp._

_This body jewel makes me crazy. I know he got pierced for Karai, but I can’t get it out of my mind. It's so romantic (and sexy as hell). This Casey Brontosaurus would never have done that for me. With what Karai told me, despite all my good resolutions not to drool over Leo, I can’t look at it without imagining it in full frenzy, even more since the sink scene. Donnie has a share in my incestuous fantasies featuring Leo since the kiss on my birthday. But my brain refuses to include Michelangelo in any of my fantasies. I am still in denial that I showed my pussy to a grown-up harboring a sexual mind (well, if he is a child, isn’t any better.)_

_It took me a moment to notice that Donnie was giving me a mocking look. My lubricity was to be visible on my face. So, to divert his attention, I drank._

_And damn, I must admit, this tequila was good._

_“It's low in calories,” Donnie added. “I thought of you and how important is for you to watch your weight when I made it.”_

_I was bewildered by the low blow. Did the asshole just call me chubby? Just because I told him he was a perv? And I was thinking Raph was the spiteful one? Damn, I would take over hundredfold Raph’s anger versus Donnie bitchiness._

_Mikey smoothe the spirit by explaining to me that with every five points accumulated, we could open a gift and that he had planned several games. I remembered at the moment the contest, but didn’t have the time to ask._

_Donnie poured alcohol to Leo, because to play, Leo must be drunk he explained to me, offering me roll spring flavored gin. I didn’t dare to mention my suspicion to have a gin allergy, (because you know, even before the drugged gin, I was more tipsy and clumsy than usual with so few drinks.) Donnie was already pissed enough and well, I was afraid he took my book report back or messes with my grades or add his cum in the homemade shampoo he does for me under the excuse he know how to make my red hair shine more. It's indeed true that my hair looks like the one from the commercial ad. The shampoo is whitery and tick and well, maybe he is already doing it! Now I just scared off myself, shit._

_Just return to the main story, April._

_Leo sighed like handing over his first-born when Don filled his glass._

_“The best skill is not to win a hundred victories in one hundred battles, but rather to defeat the enemy without fighting.”_

_I didn't want another party with Sun Tzu’s as booze buddy. When the fuck what this ‘next stage’ he supposed to be? I wanted the Kama Sutra author, not the damn Art of the War’s one. But that was either had suck it or I use my geisha balls alone at home. And I was curious: why did Leo have to be drunk for the game? What would Leo do as he reads the message? Was the present wrapped in yellow for me? Had Donnie made alcohol to other flavors? But I knew one thing:_

_With alcohol, games and the Hamato brothers, I wasn’t going to spend a boring Christmas. The proof is that, dear Diary, I am not to the interesting part yet and I am tired of writing. I'm starving. I'm getting ramen (I really need to go to the grocery store) and I'll be back._


	17. How I ruined Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For NT birthday.  
> No beta.

_Dear diary,_

_I have just been summoned to the lair. Yes summoned like ‘bring your skinny ass back here or I will drag your corpse in there’(ditto Raph. He is so skilled in talking with women) But since it’s Raphael’s order and not Leo’s, I can take more my time even if I don’t remember the day I enrolled like soldier in the Hamato troops, to begin with. I need to show this text to Don. I want this asshole to realize he doesn’t need to give me low-calories cocktails since Raph called me a skinny ass. Because if I had a fat ass, Raph would have called me that, tactful like he is. By the way, I have a new T-phone. I’m about to think Donnie makes them in series, in anticipation I got a meltdown and throw it in the river like Raph did._

_If I ever get as bad as Captain Bipolar, I hope somebody knocks my rollercoaster off the rails right at the top of the peak._

_Anyway, just to spite Raph, I will take my time and continue to tell you about my Christmas story, where I left._

_Mikey said that 2019 had been a sensational year and that 2020 would be even better. I wonder how he could say that with all the bad news on TV and the climate crisis. I guess the heatwave we got last summer didn’t reach the sewers and that since he barely unplugs his video game, he just has no idea. Anyway, I didn’t pop the party (well, not yet) and let him cheers._

_Leo smiled at Mikey's enthusiasm and asked what made this year so special to him. Leo has such a beautiful smile. Too bad he can’t do toothpaste ads. I caught a glimpse of the silver ball and felt a warmth crept into me like each time I see this damn jewel. I was fidgeting on my chair again when Mikey dropped his bomb in the middle of Christmas eve._

_"This is the year I realized my sexual fantasy.”_

_Doubt bitch slapped me twice in the face at Mikey’s statement. What if the Dulce de Leche episode wasn’t only about sugaring, after all? I do remember it’s started like that but, my memories are blurry. To spare me, I thought, Mikey didn’t go any further in his explanation and I hoped he would just never mention it again. But it was only a trick to get even more attention drawn to him. Of course, Donnie and Raph refused to let this pass unnoticed and pressed him with questions. Donnie, the sneaky bastard, insisted tenfold when he saw me reaching for a refill and probably pale as a ghost but Leo was the one pouring himself a drink and I couldn’t reach the bottle. I didn't fight him for it. It was already an improvement I guess he didn’t unsheath his swords, yelling about who tainted Michelangelo’s innocence or just drop dead hearing Mikey saying sex. Since this damn contest, each of them had changed a bit._

_Mikey said he would tell about his fantasy if everyone does the same about theirs. Then, excited, he proposed an association game. Instead of associating Einstein with relativity, Darwin with evolution and Curie with radium, like they did last year (I really wonder **who** proposed this game) why not associate a turtle with a fantasy?_

_“And April?” Don asked with a poker face. “I guess female mammals ones could be interesting to know about.” I choked on my glass. There no way I told them anything. Next thing I know, Donnie would lock me in a wardrobe with the leader, just to embarrass me. And I mean, even if I lie, I wasn’t foreseeing any good thing from handing any info of this kind to Don. Sometimes, I use self-restraint and I’m sensible. (mostly if I drink less than three drinks)._

_Anyway, who Don was thinking he was fooling with his ‘it’s only for science’ act? I know he had a PornHub account and he knew a damn lot about human sex fantasies. One of his past time is to comment video and to point out any error in it or to use pointlessly long words to describe the filthiest things. The historical ones are is fave since they even more inaccuracy in them. At first, I was thinking Don was mostly doing it to look knowledgeable and cool in front of me, to look like he was so over sex, that he was only concerned about the cheap quality of some movies. A moment, I even thought he was not hiding watching it, to get me like curious about him or something._

_When I first meet them, he got a big poster of this twisted Caligula’s movie in his lab. On the poster, there was only a picture of a Caligula coin and when I asked about him he told me it was one of his fave movies. The poster stayed there without me questioning it until he realized last summer that the people participating to the orgy shouldn’t have been hairy since wealthy men and women used razors made from flint, tweezers, creams, and stones to remove hair at this time period, he explained to me. He has torn off his poster more upset than a kid learning the truth about the tooth fairy and I just thought he was a big Roman history fan, you know? I just watched this movie recently (when I was at Irma, her parents has a huge porn DVD collection) and the movie has shaken even more my idea of Donnie which had already a hard time since a few weeks. Okay, well, Diary, I got my point across I think: Don is a huge pervert. I continue._

_“She also realized her fantasy! Well, a part of it!” Mikey exclaimed so she will team with me to guess the others! It's going to be awesome! Is not it, Ape darling?”_

_I was wary of apprehension, wondering a damn lot about Mikey’s statement. The three turtles agreed, but Leonardo said that he didn’t want to hear his brother's fantasy, that it was their secret garden and that everyone had to keep mysterious certain aspects of their life and he would like for once a party who doesn’t end with innuendo and hangover. He said that we have to use a holy night like this one to reflect on life and personal achievement and to think about our role in the universe …_

_I was wondering if rimming on the rooftops was counting as an achievement in Leo’s book when Raph butted in._

_“Cut the crap, Fearless! I want to know what the kid did! I’m totally down for this game too. I would like to know what some turtles have on their mind.”_

_Leo didn't have time to add anything that Mikey just hit me again._

_“Anyway, I already know April’s fantasy. We don’t have any secret for each of us, anymore,” Mikey boasted and I feel like seeing a trainwreck in slow motion, each word of Mikey getting me closer to the cliff. “This is the reason when Don dared me to sneak into the bedroom to take a bandana, I chose Leo’s,” he explained eagerly, not even conscious each word was a stab to me. Leo was staring at his glass, lost in thought and Raph was narrowing his eyes to slit, very attentive of what Mikey could say for once and I suppose it went up to Mikey’s head, to have his moody brother interested to him. “She fancies our…”_

_“So,” Donnie cut off “we'll each write down our fantasy on a piece of paper, but this must be the truth, huh, Raph? No lies to show off.”_

_Raph’s attention was distracted and Mikey had a pout. At that moment, I deeply loved Donatello. I don’t think I will have survived the end of Mikey's sentence. My brain would have gone into self-destruct mode like a T-phone. Raphael denied fiercely he would lie but he wasn’t sure he wanted to expose such a private part of himself. And then, I swear Diary, I saw Raph blushing, like a Victorian maiden at the Spring ball._

_“To keep our secret garden,” Don used his finger to make quotes mark. “April and Mikey will be the only ones to know. When they have finished their association, they will show us their prognosis. If the paper they give you is yours, April and Mikey have the points. If they are wrong, it's you. And you can choose a present under the tree. Have you all understood? Let's start. April and Mikey, you'll have five minutes to make your choices.”_

_So, I was in a team with Mikey, all smiles who said we were going to have fun. Sure, Mikey, that I could still smile after the nameless humiliation I had almost suffered if it wasn’t of Donnie blessed intervention. What did I tell Mikey? What did I do? It’s obvious that something else happened while the sugaring demonstration. I’m not even sure to want to know. I tried to change my mind by thinking of Leo's fantasy. This info was worth its weight in gold._

_The brothers put their piece of paper in a bowl and Mikey mixed everything, then we read the papers one after the other, hidden in the kitchen (although I had no desire to find myself in a single room with him.) The first paper was unfolded:_

_**-Holding hand and make love tenderly in the Belvedere Castle of Central Park.** _

_It was cliché and cheesy. I leaned for Leo. Or maybe Don. He could be a pervy stalker, he hides the heart of an incurable romantic under his lab coat, I know it. How he is sometimes sweet with me proves it enough._

_“That's Raph. It's so obvious,” Mikey chuckled. “I’m opening my gift the first!”_

_I looked at him like he grew a second head. Wait, was that sarcasm? Was Mikey capable of sarcasm?_

_“What, but you're crazy? It's way too soft for Raph. I would say Leo or Don. Let's see the others!”_

_Mikey kept insisting it was Raph because Raphael was romantic like a preteen girl and everybody knew it since they found the Twilight series under his bed five years ago._  
  
_I ignored such nonsense and unfolded the other paper._

_**-Submit my partner by force and have them to my total mercy for a week.** _

_“That's Raphael. It's violent and possessive,” I exclaimed with the chills. I imagined being locked in an apartment with him, using me as a sex slave when he was running out of Strawberry Hagen Datz._

_I thought it could be Donnie, like the second choice. Donatello is a pervert, I already made it very clear to you, diary._

_“Nah, dudette. It's Leo. He is thoroughly into BDSM for quite a while,” Mikey explained to me. “He has some batshit crazy kinks. When Raph found out about it he stopped eating for three days straight. I’m not supposed to know what kind of thorn flowers grow in his secret garden,” he snickered. “So don’t tell him I told you.”_

_I rolled my eyes. The tequila-pizza confused Mikey’s mind or the idea of gifts was exciting him too much._

_The third surprised me:_

_**-I have no more fantasy.** _

_It must have been Leo, then. It was only him who had ventured far enough. But it could be Donnie, too, because he is so cold sometimes, that I wonder if he isn’t ace. Only the way he organized this all contest like it was a joke prove it. He is consuming sex, but I’m not sure if he really wants to have some._

_Don is fucking mysterious too, now that I thought about it._

_I wanted to have the opinion of my teammate._

_“It's Donnie. He has nothing to wish for. He got me, Raph and he was able to kiss Leo. He is sure he could get Leo too, since then. He can’t hope for more, I guess.”_

_There, I was stunned. Even stunned is a gross understatement. I looked around and touched the dining table to see if I was really in a kitchen and not just dreaming all this weird stuff because I got drugged in a shady bar._

_“Come again?” I asked. There was no fucking way Mikey said what I thought he said. Maybe Mikey was really innocent and was confusing ‘getting someone’ by something else. Because they were no way Don had sex with two of his siblings. Don was supposed to be into girls, to love ME. But after the initial shock, my mind was racing. Was it the reason Mikey and Raph had points? It could be. How they could if Donnie, the perv, wasn’t the one they get laid with?_

_No wonder from a guy who loved the movie about the Emperor banging his sister! For a moment, I even feel bad for Mikey and Raph to have been seduced by so a mischievous creature like Donatello seems to be. But then, other questions popped up. I couldn’t imagine Raph bending for Donnie. Damn, he didn’t even bend to pick up the dishes he breaks! So Donnie was the bottom? And who was topping between him and Mikey?_

_I grabbed violently Mikey by his strap and shook him. I won’t wait to have the answer to this. To the hell with patience. Michelangelo looked very willing to unveil all their secrets and I needed to use this opportunity._

_“Tell me all about it!” I roared shamelessly._

_“It’s only that…” he shrugged. “I don’t kiss and tell,” Mikey winked to me. I had no idea if he was referring to me but I didn’t give a crap. Their gay love story was far much interesting than anything who could have happened to me._

_“Stop bullshitting me!” I insisted. “And tell me who topped!”_

_Mikey was laughing his ass off and I was wondering if he just pranked me. It could have been. But Donnie poked his head in the kitchen and told us we were out of time before I could wrap my mind around this revelation and decide if I believed it. So, I took the papers and decided to follow my instinct._

_I appeared in front of Leo with the last paper about no having fantasy and he shook his head. Shit, I thought, I've swapped Leo and Donnie. Then, I went to Donnie with the under the bridge one and, unsurprisingly, he shook his head, too. I told myself that we would at least have 1 point with the last one. And there, I fell on the ass. Raph stared in amazement at the inscribed fantasy and shook his head fiercely. Then he looked at Leo like he was pretty disturbed..._

_I was standing, astonished while Mikey was complaining loudly._

_"Ah, we lost because of you! I have to wait to open my gifts! They are my brothers! You thought to know them better than me?”_

_It was a damn good point._

_I glanced toward Leonardo who drank sparingly his glass with the stiff attitude of a ninety-years old Chinese emperor. Could it be that ... My mind was filled with images of myself tied up in an abandoned building with Leo holding a whip. My imagination couldn’t go further. What Mikey’s mean by ‘batshit crazy kinks?’_

_I shook my head. "Don’t go there April," I said to myself. "You are here to reconnect with your friends not having an explicit daydream about one of them. Besides, Leo is taken."_

_I watched Leo, Donnie, and Raph unwrapping their present. I can’t tell you who had what or what their reaction was. I was too lost in myself wondering what could be Leo’s kinks._

_Donnie poured glasses under the pretext that Leo didn’t speak enough. Then, judging that I was too comfortable, or whatever, Raph decided to attack me verbally._

_“So, Red, you didn’t ask me about the drugstore errand?” he sneered. “You should tell Mikey about the great conversation we had.”_

_I was feeling uneasy and I mean by that like dying from the inside and really on the verge of fainting when Mikey asked what it was about._

_“Women would use any cheap shot to get their ways! Stay away from them, Mikey!”Raph growled. “I can’t believe you went so low to get rid of me, Ginger.”_

_Since I was speechless, Leo responded that I shouldn’t mind Raph and his delusions of persecution he still got from ‘the huge emotional shock he had’ who turn to be only a prank, because all of this was only a prank, right?_

_What can I do? I nodded. Anyway, it wasn’t like Leo gave a damn about if I agreed with his version, used like he was everybody listens to what he said like a sect guru. Whatever he would have said, anyway, I would have nodded. I remember he got punched because of me._

_“We forgive you, April. Raphael came home and he is fine then, no need to dwell on it. It's all my fault, Raphael is part of my responsibilities. As a leader and an older brother, it is my duty that, even in adversity, I watch over him. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”_

_Raphael didn't seem very happy that I got out of the hook so easily, but I was relieved. Leo forgave me, that was what mattered. They had no choice but to never mention it again._

_Mikey explained the new game. When the brothers were kids, it was their favorite entertainment. Without touching him, the brothers must make Leo react. Since his childhood, he is marmoreal according to his brothers when he wants it. To make him laugh or just move the muscles of his face is difficult, according to Mikey who explained the game to me with kindness, despite that he was still holding a grudge against me. We decided to play again as a team and this time, the youngest didn’t want to team up with the congenital moron I seemed to be. So, Donatello resigned to team with me, because I'm on Raph's blacklist._

_Leo asked permission to go to the bathroom before. I knew that the idea to read Karai's message had not left him from the moment I gave him. Don refused as well as Raph. Donnie by a pure desire for control, Raph because since the beginning he was feeling it was bad news._

_"Know your enemy and know yourself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know yourself but not your enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know the enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time,” Leo quoted and I guess it was meaning something around ‘Let the game begin.’_

_So, Leo sat in front of us, stoical, despite his obvious state of drunkenness like the guards at Buckingham Palace. I understood better their insistence to make Leo drink. Otherwise, it wasn’t a game. We were two teams, and each team had 3 chances to make it flinch._

_Mikey attacked first, and as far as I’m concerned, he used heavy artillery right away._

_“I used your bandana like jerk-off material.”_

_The leader's face remained as smooth as a lake on a beautiful summer day without wind and I felt a cold pit in my stomach at the idea it was maybe what he did with Leo’s bandana with me in the bathtub._

_It was our turn._

_Impulsively, I shouted:_

_“I know the circumstance of your tongue piercing!”_

_Leo remained expressionless, to my astonishment. He didn’t even blush like I was sure he would._

_“I love you!”_

_On the leader's face, there was a shudder, barely perceptible to Raphael's exclamation but maybe it was only my eyes aching because I was forcing myself to not blink and miss something. Leo was too good at this. It wasn’t even funny._

_Mikey muttered something about he won’t ever get to unwrap his gift and I was starting to be exasperated about the Hamato’s brothers’ games. I forgot that it was Donnie's turn and decided to hit with all my strength. It wasn’t about opening my present. It was about giving myself the present of damn knowledge about what the fuck was going on there._

_“Donnie, Mikey, and Raph had sex together. That's how they got points!”I yelled, already hearing an anthem of victory. “And he is waiting to collect you too!”I exclaimed, motioning to Donatello._

_I was expecting a reaction, live a raised eye ridge, but nothing that harsh. By the time I realized what I had said, Leonardo was no longer there._

_I don’t want to make suspense there, dear diary, but I have just received another text message from Raphael, our fave drama queen, complaining about where the fuck I am._

* * *

_Okay, Diary. I screwed up!_

_Leo is gone! I was about to leave when Donnie called me. He told me that Raph was too emotional and impulsive, that I could stay at home, and that I could give them the information I had on the phone._

_I heard Raph shout about he would get me by himself, that he knew how to make me talk, that I should be tied to the cot in Donnie's lab and get injected with truth serum. He was yelling about the lair was like a ship and women were bringing a curse on it and that since I bled in their bathroom,(I swear, Raph would never let me live down the Diva Cup’s incident) everything was going downhill. The voice was fading away and when I heard a door close, I realized that Donnie had locked himself to talk to me more calmly._

_I asked what was going on and there and Don told me Leo vanished. Vanished like he didn’t come back._

_Let me bring you back to where I stopped my story. After having dropped my bomb, everyone stopped breathing. Leo just moved too fast, like lightning fast. He didn’t yell or even make a noise, he only shut himself up in his room, like a mute emo kid._

_Raph was the first to react and rushed after him, assuring him with some a lot of clichés sentences like: ‘It's not what you think.’ or ‘it’s not like it seems to look’ and even something around it was Leo’s fault. He ran to the closed bedroom door and bellowed that Leo "should not act like a child and he had to let him to explain himself.” I didn’t point out it was the pot calling the kettle black. Even I could tell it was untimely. I don’t think Leo answered him. Only the roars of Raph could be heard that seemed as desperate as if his fiancee had just walked on him fucking senseless her twin sisters._

_Anyway, I was feeling too uneasy to play the smartass. Donnie's cold gaze was on me. Donatello is a scientist to the core. It scares me sometimes, how he looks across a terrible distance and no longer considers what he looks at as a being gifted with life. His eyes studied me like, ‘How did she survive until she was 18 dumb as she is? Ah yes! It must be because we saved her life several times. If not, Darwin's natural selection would have done its job on her.’_

_So, I've done something very mature, dear Diary. I threw Mikey under the bus._

_I explained he was the one to blame since he told me such a shocking story and it was weighted so much on my mind, I couldn’t think of anything else and he was complaining about waiting to unwrap his presents and so, to get over it, I blurted the first thing popping in my mind who was more likely to make Leo lose. And like I said I couldn’t help but seeing them in a threesome since then, thanks to Mikey._

_“Not cool, Dudette,” Mikey said, wrinkling his nose, disgusted with my snitch smell, I guess._

_“Really? Did you think of us? I thought you mind were focused on Leonardo solely,” Don deadpanned. “I guess I should be flattered to be featured in your erotic daydream.”_

_There, I told myself Donnie was jealous. I've never considered him a real potential boyfriend because he's a turtle, but I outrageously fantasized about his brother, who is just as green and scaly as him. I know Donnie know about it. I wonder why he is playing this game. It’s like he did it on purpose to make me fall for Leo to punish himself. It likes he gets off on getting bitter looking at me drooling on Leo, sitting at the first row. Was he a masochist? He continued :_

_“Don’t get me wrong. That my big brother is the most recent source of your teen fantasies does not matter to me. But for someone appreciating so much Leonardo, you think it was the kind of information he wanted to hear?”_

_I didn’t reply I didn’t think. I know Donnie knew I wasn’t. I still stammered something like "It was a game. I wanted us to win.”_

_Donnie replied something, but I was so ashamed that the blood was buzzing at my temples, and it was like I was deaf, while he handed me my earrings and the other presents, since I was so ‘eager to win’. I just understood that he ordered Mikey to walk me home while he was trying to fix my mess. I didn’t dare to protest even if I was feeling shameful as hell to walk next to Mikey._

_Along the way, is totally unusual, Mikey didn’t say a word. So, before arriving home, I apologized. Along the way, at every step, I had become more and more aware of my stupidity._

_There, he looked at me very seriously:_

_"You know, Ape, we like you, but you'd have to learn when to shut up.”_

_“I didn’t think he would react that way. He was so impassive, it was frustrating, I lost my mind, I didn’t find it more shocking than what you said!”I protested._

_“Tell Leo you weren’t shocked when he gets out of it. I just hope he would sober up and maybe calm down about it,” Mikey sight. Indeed, Leo was drunk. Sun Tzu attested of it and I was like Mikey, hoping he was right and Leo, sober, would realize he had no reason to be upset that he was not getting any while his bros were scoring between them behind his back.“I guess it couldn’t be helped. I should have known better than tell a girl thing about us.”_

_Then he left me there, crushed by shame that Mikey was taking the blame._

_So this morning, when I got up, I was still ashamed, but I didn’t know it had reached such proportions. I told myself that Leo, the calm, well-posed, thoughtful and magnanimous turtle, would come back from his astonishment and stop sulking his brothers. I told myself he maybe waited I left to have a fit of anger and make them sweat their sins away with burpees. Or that Don, so a smooth talker when he wanted to be would coax him enough. Genius are supposed to be able to fix this kind of thing._

_I should have known better than hope in an engineer to deal with the emotional matter._

_But I must admit no one wouldn’t have foreseen Leo ran away from his family and duties. It's more Raph’s way of coping. So, I woke up, I did my stuff and opened my gifts from the turtles. When I saw what I had received, I felt really bad again and supposed that now they should have preferred gave me a one-way ticket for Latvia. Everyone had found something really cute. Well, I’m not sure if I can call Donatello’s cute, but that show for sure he cares. I got eighty homemade mango-flavored condom (Does Donnie thinks I'm a hoe or something?) damn contraceptive pills for a year and a pepper spray. I think my assaulting deeply traumatized him._

_I thought briefly about the Denmark's royal family’s tea service. I regretted not having watched the real Leo unwrap it, rather than imagining a daydream Leo undressing me. Then I started to write my report in this diary and Raph texted me, shortly after his discovery, I presume. I wasn’t in a hurry because I guess I wanted to teach him politeness or something._

_But now, since Donnie’s call, I feel damn guilty._

_Donnie doesn’t understand how Leo was able to leave. As I was going home with Mikey, Donnie went to talk to Leo through the door, but the leader didn’t answer. Then, Raph decided to sleep at Leo's door and not move from there until Leonardo came out. He didn’t leave his post even one moment and pissed in a cup Don left for him (why Don feel compelled to give me such details) and then in the morning, Raph who had already demonstrated a very unusual patience for him, just lost it and smashed open Leo’s bedroom door. A surprise waited for them. Leo had vanished in a way Houdini would have been impressed about and he even managed to bring some of his belongings during his escape act, like his katanas, the kit to polish and sharpened it, an antique incense burner and photo album._

_That Leo event brings with him his stuff was bad news and I could understand Donnie's huge concern. That means Leo intended to be away for a while if he even intended to return. Raph was still driving himself nuts to search Leo in irrational place like his drawers and was knocking on the walls with his sai handle to check if there no an empty spot, showing a secret passage. He even looked behind the damn framed print of the Great Wave of Kanagawa over Leo’s bed to see if Leo didn’t find a way out of there behind it, like in the Shawshank Redemption. It was proving my point Raph watched too many movies and it was frying his brain, but I was feeling too devastated for my own account and upset for him to tell that._

_“Raphael claims that you said something about you plotting something with Leo from your arrival. What is it? I know he is often suspicious unnecessarily,” Don admitted in a clinical voice that he was probably using to hide his tiredness and anxiety. “But any information could be useful.”_

_I have to believe that Raph is really more insightful than everyone else thinks. At the moment, I had forgotten about the matchbox. I told Donnie about Karai’s message. Don seemed to be blown away by this revelation, even if I said I have no idea of what the message was._

_Then, he told me dryly:_

_“I hope you're proud of yourself, April. Thanks to you, our brother ran away to live with his girlfriend!”_

_Don was speaking like it was the worst Leo could do. I wanted to protest that Leo running away to joins Karai had nothing to do with me. They're the ones who did incestuous things behind Leo's back and anyway, they'd have to be happy that now they know where Leo was and that he had reconciled with Karai, who even if she wasn’t what I call a nice person was looking like really loving him, an unexpected blessing for any of them. Besides, Leo was too responsible to abandon them. He was going to come back after maybe a few days long honeymoon. I had still fresh in my memory the seem-to-be Leo’s fantasy about having his partner to his mercy for a week. Leo had probably just wanted to blow some steam with his girlfriend after knowing his brothers banged each other, a confession which would greatly upset any sensible person._

_I didn’t add that according to me, Leo has a healthy reaction. I mean he could have forced seppuku on them or burn this sinful place to the ground. I learned to know that sometimes, Leo could be pretty extreme or harsh. I’m not even talking about his Clue’s sulking. Once, Mikey tried out my nail polish to play a prank on a sleeping Raph. When Leo knew about Mikey didn’t ask me before and searched my purse to find it, he made him kneel on a board a full-night, despite my pleas, because it wasn’t honorable to search a lady purse. I guess sticking his dick in his brother’s ass isn’t honorable too, in Leo’s moral book (not the erotic one). I know I had incestuous fantasies about them and well, a few doubts, but now it was real and I guess having it thrown in the face during Christmas Eve that all your brothers were screwing each other and that him, the mighty leader had been left in the dark about it much have been quite a shock, even for someone composed like Leonardo._

_Of course, after what Mikey and Raph had said during the game, I wasn’t expecting Leo to be more bothered about my statement. It could even have been a lie, to make him lose his cool. But if he decided it was worth being mad, he could have react much more harshly. Leo had preferred to take some distance and maybe talk this over with someone he trusts out his family, like Karai. But I didn’t say any of that. I could tell Donatello was beyond pissed and when this guy feel tricked you don’t want to be at the receiving end of anger. I remember how violently he had torn a poster because of some unshaved pussies and historical inaccuracy. I also remembered Mikey’s warning about me needing to know to shut up, a very good piece of advice._

_Donnie ended the conversation by saying that I don’t know a single thing about them and now, I’m going to smoke on my balcony as a way to alleviate my stress. I ruined Christmas._


	18. The investigation

_December 26th_

_Leo didn’t come home last night. Don just called me. Don was surprised in a very negative way that he wasn’t back, yet. I can relate. I mean, I hoped Leo would be back after some sulking. But I mean, it is about sulking? I’m not even sure to understand what Leo is pissed off the most. The secret? To not having taps his brother’s ass the first? It could be, even if I’m not sure Leo swing this way._

_I mean I know from his book and the sex-ed talk he gave to Mikey (the little hypocrite faking to be pure through and through and abusing of a girl’s drunkenness), Leo looks very knowledgeable about sucking a dick. But maybe he knows from having his sucked by Karai and he knew the jizz taste to have tasted his beforehand? I’m very able to visualize a gentleman Leo tasting his own cum to be sure it’s not too bitter for Karai to swallow it, even if she could be a salty bitch. I’m using salty bitch here because it was how Don called her. I admit being a little surprised by Don’s anger. I mean, I knew Raph hates Karai. He didn’t make it a mystery than he would like her better in the bottom of the East Side River (next to his t-phone). I joked once about Raph being jealous she could wear dramatic eyeliner and not him. But I never noticed Don could have a beef with her too. Could it be he is pissed Leo left before he adds him at his hunting board? Why does nobody care to explain to me? I mean, they’re very willing to blame me and ask for help, but I’m sure I could be more helpful if I know what is going on._

_I didn’t question him since he was looking very stressed out and you know, I can’t positively ask Donnie how it was with his bros. Before hanging up Donnie asked me to try to find Karai, since he said I’m more likely to see her. What is hard with Karai is that no one knows where she lives. She doesn’t attend school, either since she doesn’t need to pass her chemistry to get a yakuza boss job, the lucky girl. How the fuck I'm supposed to investigate her like Donnie asked me to do? I couldn't refuse for the reasons you already know, diary and also because that's mean Donnie is desperate. I mean the guy is doing my homework. He is damn aware of my capacities so, if he asks me, its because he is at the end of his rope, or something._

* * *

 

_Donnie just called me again to ask if, in the last eighty minutes, I have seen Karai. I told him in such a short time I only took a shower. He snapped to me that my shower had been too long and asked if I ever hear about water conservation. Being that needy isn’t like him, well, not anymore. I mean, when I first met him, he was so uneasy and shy, that he was making sure like fives minutes straight that he wasn’t bothering me when he called, even if it was because he was returning my own call. Then, since last Summer he just stopped to act like he was the bother. Well, it was more the other way around, like I was the one intruding. Anyway, I didn’t call him off for his second call because he seemed really worried/tired out and I understand him._

_He is stuck in the sewers with Raph, something I wouldn't wish to my worse enemy in the circumstances. Mikey could turn not any better because he is the kind of person voicing aloud whatever he has on his mind, even if it’s only about taking a piss. I know it too well since the first time I went to the lair, I thought he was schizophrenic because he was talking to himself all the time. So, I could imagine him telling aloud all his anxieties about Leo having committed suicide or being enrolled like a monk in Tibet driving Raph tenfold nut._

_Don has to handle the eldest brother-slash-leader job and he is definitively not happy with it. Its leave him less time to hack satellite or jerk off on a historically accurate porn version of Nuremberg trials. I’m kidding here, well slightly. I’m glad to not be in Don’s shell right now, even if being in my own panties isn’t any better. I’m mean I’m the cause of all this mess. Don could be enough a gentleman to not point it out,(well, not too straightforwardly) but I know for sure Raph would blame me until my last day, even if Leo comes back._

_It's now past midnight, Leo is missing for now 48 hours and to my shame, I admit I have only one thing in mind._

_Who had taken it up to his ass? Even if Leo hadn’t been invited to their party, this is obvious to me if he did, he would have been a top. The guy is such a control freak, they couldn’t open a cereal box before asking him since Leo want to be sure there no another one opened with some cereals crumbles in the bottom of it. When Mikey do the weekly menu and the grocery list, Leo checks it carefully. He wants to be sure nothing cost more than $1 the pound(he is forcing Mikey to help him couponing) and that it’s respecting the food guide. Leo is very serious about health and deadly serious about his own diet. Now I’m sure he tastes his own cum to be sure Mikey didn’t salt his rice bowl. Anyway, Leo had to fucking sign the grocery list and the week menu to show he approbated it before Don could order it online. This kind of guy doesn’t take a fifteen inches wiener up the ass, if you want my opinion, diary._

_So if they should have been some turtlecest 9I just made up this word), they would be all Leo’s harem bottom which is great. I mean, Mikey, Raph and Don are so different that depending on how Leo feels he could do a specific brother. I guess when he is angry, he could do Raph. I guess Raph is the one doing a fight of it and Leo had to put him into submission. Mikey is cheerful and energetic and I guess Leo could turn to him when he is sad to get his mood lifted up of when he is feeling for an easy-quicky. And I suppose that when Leo is in the mood for his ‘batshit crazy kinks’, he went to Don. I imagine them indulging in some nazi questioning roleplay, Leo being the officer and Donnie correcting Leo’s german accent while tied up in a chair plugged on an electronic device._

_Maybe am I as bad as Raph about having a too vivid, over-dramatic imagination. Maybe I’m reading too much gay manga. Perhaps all of this is because of damn Leo’s book. This should not be read by a virgin. If he comes back one day, I would ask him if he is not ashamed to taint a pure soul like mine. No wonder his brothers turned horny as fuck if they read this book. If Raph is really into Twilight, it must have given him quite a shock to find out his brother advice to stimulate the prostate by the urethra._

_So, if I put Leo aside, that left me with Raph, Don and Mikey and I’m at lost. I mean, if you asked me my opinion about it six months ago, I would have said that the only possibility for them to have sex is that Raph taken by delirium tremens would rape them after mistaken them for Michelle Rodriguez (he is so into her or he fakes to be) in Fast and Furious, is so-called fave movie of all-time._

_But obviously, it not what had happened and well, it seems that I don’t know a single thing about them, according to Donnie. Well, I admit that I’m kind of agree since the association game. Mikey said ‘Donnie got me…and Raph.’ I found it sound more like Donnie was the top but it’s something my mind refuses to see. Mikey looks like the kind of guy not minding to have a cock up his ass. I guess he would be the kind of partner wanting to try both positions at least once and explaining all the cons and pro he feels for each. So Don doing Mikey is troubling but could be possible. But there no way the slender, quiet Don could thrust into Raph’s bulky body. There just no way. I won’t believe it until I could watch it._

_Also, Mikey said Don hoped to do the same to Leo and it’s also impossible. There no way Leo could moan. So maybe Mikey was suggesting Don seduced them all and played bottom for them all. It’s kind of weird since Donnie was used to having a crush on me to see he could play bottom in the other team, but I’m thinking about it for two days straight and there nothing else I could think of as answer._

_Am I thinking about sex when one of my closest friends is missing? I really need to get laid (I’m sarcastic, diary, don’t worry. I won’t use my dad money to call a male whore, well, not today.)_

* * *

  
_December 30, I have torn off my last entries. It was only theories about who is the pitcher in the Hamato’s family and if one day, Don find out about my speculation while they were dying with anguish, he would be mad. I did some dreams I’m ashamed of, too. I really need to get new past times._

_Anyway, today is the day I could make up to them. I mean, I have no idea where is Leo. If only. But Don asked me if I could come up with some cooked food for them. I was wondering why they need me for that. Mikey could cook just fine, but I supposed he was maybe too depressed for that about Leo being missing. But it’s turn out that this is the only reason. Their fridge was empty. Leo isn’t there to approve of the grocery list and so, they don’t dare to go so far in the independence than to buy peanut butter and frozen chicken nuggets without his royal permission. I could have pointed out that since Leo abandoned them, they were now free to do whatever they wanted but well, it was an opportunity for me to help them and so, I jumped on it._

_I pulled out of their box my mother’s recipe books and I spent the day cooking for them. I did a spaghetti sauce, a chicken lasagna, mac and cheese, a stroganoff beef and fried rice chicken too. I did a banana bread and some chocolate chip cookies. At the end, I was very proud. I had to take a cab to the sewer plate the closer to the lair and I called Donnie to help me to brought all these homemade food down._

_I was stunned about what I saw. I’m positive nothing moved since Leo left. All the alcohol bottles were still there and the remain of gift wrap too. I could tell that Mikey didn’t wash either. And the bags Donnie had under his eyes showed he didn’t sleep in the last week._

_Mikey had the heartbreaking look of a lost toddler while he was helping me pulling the Tupperware in the fridge. Raph was out, Donnie told me. He was leaving at the moment the sky turned dark, they told me. I didn’t need to know about rocket science like Donnie does to guess Raph was probably worse. A feeling of mothering rushed in me. I picked up the bottle, the gift wrap and cleaned the living room and the kitchen. I forced Mikey into the shower and Donnie into his bed after I make him swallow three sleeping pills._

_I stayed up with Mikey’s head on my lap for a while, until he fell asleep in front of a black and white movie. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with Raph returning home, so I left around 1 am. By the way, my father isn’t returning home, yet. He has to go at Stuttgart he said for a week and he sent me some Paypal pocket money for me to a cool New Year Eve. To be honest, I’m more looking forward to Leo’s return than my own father. I mean, I can cook, clean, sleep and wash without him just fine when Leo is essential to his family._

* * *

 

_December 31._

_Oh my god, Diary I can believe it! I was on the phone with Donnie. He called me to thanks me for the food, when I got another call. I looked at the ID and it was Casey. I was wondering what this moron wanted to tell me after he wanted to give me a used nighty with crabs. My finger were aching only because I touched it! Okay, maybe it was my imagination, but I was still pissed! So, I didn’t answer. Anyway, Don was pretty busy explaining him about having managed to get Karai’s last known address. He didn’t want to tell Raph because if Don goes there with him, it could end badly and so, asked me if I could stay at the lair to be Mikey’s babysitter again while he would go investigate and Raph would just vent topside. I accepted if he could promise me I won’t be alone with Raph at any moment. I mean I still remember he wanted to tie me to a cot to inject me with serum. Or he could force me to eat Haagen Daz until I throw up and then, eat and my own puke like in the Seven movie. Getting fat would be the peak of my misery right now._

_“What you will do if you find him?” I asked. It was a relevant question. I mean if Leo ran away and didn’t come back it was because he wanted to be alone._

_“I will bring him back,” he told me. “There no way in one week he didn’t realize his mistake. It’s only stubbornness from his end and besides, I have a plan.”_

_His plan consisted to challenge Leo’s dominance and clan master position. There was no way Leo drops it, he told me. If someone threatened to step on his turf, Leo would come back, he said._

_It seemed to be very daring and not very likely to succeed but Donnie is supposed to be a genius and to know Leo better, so I shut up._

_“When he would have played with Karai’s body enough to write a chapter, he would ditch her,” Don assured me. “It’s only for writing purpose.”_

_I held back a retort at this. It’s sounded like Donnie wanted to comfort himself but I understood better when I heard Mikey next to him. I got flash of the movie ‘Life is beautiful’ with the Jew-Italian guy trying to make his kiddo believe concentration camp are like a reality show with a prize at the end._

_“Besides, there limit to human flesh stretching and human couldn’t heal like mutant does. He would grow tired to hold himself back with such a frail girl.”_

_I refused to let my mind linger on this weird statement. Don hung up at the moment I heard Raph’s curse background._

_I forgot about Casey’s call for a while. I did the dishes I made by cooking all the day before. I took a walk to the park and did some errands. I was wondering if I should bring alcohol tonight to celebrate when I pulled out my phone to ask Donnie about it. It’s then that I realized I got a voicemail and I got curious about what Casey Jones could say._

_“April, this is an emergency! I was wandering in Greenwich Village last night near some gay bar. I’m not a homo, okay, it was just there a good donut place near this place you know? Someone talked to me about this bar, but I didn’t know it was a homo bar. I was just there because of there nice donuts, at the corner.” Casey was babbling and spouting no homo statement at each sentence, and I was about to just hung up when his tone changed. “And then, I saw Leo. Well, he saw me first. He was plastered so much that I got concerned for him he got seen and I brought him back...He is sleeping now but I’m worried about him. He looks bad and...he made me promise I won’t call his brothers. He told me he would slice my junk if I do.” Casey had a nervous laugh. “But you’re not his bro, you know. Just tell Raph to come to fetch him already. My old man is back tomorrow…”_

_My mind was racing. Casey called me six hours ago. What if he wasn’t there anymore? I wasn’t sure to send Raph was a good idea either. I needed to make sure Leo was still there. Maybe I could convince him to come home by telling him about how miserable his brothers were without him._

_I called Casey. It took him forever to answer and only by his voice, I could tell something was off._

_I asked him if Leo was still there and he told me in a choked voice he was._

_“Can I talk to him?”_

_“Uh..he is quite...busy right now…”Casey replied very uneasily._

_I frowned and supposed Leo was meditating. He is quite serious about not wanting to be disturbed while he is meditating. Last time Raph did because he had put the wrestling too loud on TV, Leo had prevented him to sleep for five days, poking at him each time he closed his eyes, Donnie told me. So, I suggested I can talk to him in person and that I was heading to his apartment right now. I was already outside and could be there in ten minutes._

_“Don’t” Casey shouted in full panic. “I’m handing the situation!”_

_What with that? I was starting to believe Casey made this story up to only get to talk to me again when I heard a labored breathe. It was Casey and I was afraid he got in a fight with Leo and was dying, because he called me._

_“Casey!” I yelled_

_“Is it April?”I froze. It was Leo’s voice. There was no error possible. “You could ask her to joins us. I’m sure she would be turned on to see you moan, helpless, like this. Besides, it would be educational. Women know nothing about men sweet spot.”_

_I just hung up. My knees buckled and I decided ran home to lay down. I have no idea what I should do! My ex is having sex with my crush or well, it looked like that! I got invited and I have no idea of what I’m supposed to feel. I’m torn between my loyalty to Leo and the other turtles and my own cursed curiosity and lust._

_Leo didn’t want his brothers knowing where he was and could be like deadly mad if I give him over. From the other hand, Don would kill me and do necrophiliac things to my body if he knew I hidden this informations from him! And what about Raph? What he would do if he knows his BFF fucked with his brother? Raph would never let him live it down. Now that I think about it, I’m sure Leo is doing it to spite Raph. I mean he has never been fond of Casey before. I couldn’t help but imagine the jewel on the tongue stroking Casey’s body and the image is so wrong. If he invited me does that means Leo wanted me too? It was making my ovaries speeding but all this weird situation was too weird. Leo isn’t the kind of guy doing a thing on the spur of the moment. I bet he KNEW he would find Casey (I guess he knew Casey has craving for donut ????). He knew Casey would call me and this is the reason he only forbade Casey to call his bro. In fact, he wanted me to know and maybe the reason was he hoped that the horny me (there no way he didn’t catch me staring)would run at him. The fact he wanted Casey and me wasn’t due to lust but scheme and spite. With this one move, he could hit both Raph and Don and I bet first thing he would do if he returns home would be to eat the last pizza slice to spite Mikey too._

_I feel more clever than Miss Marple, now._

_It’s time I’m going to babysitting Mikey. I had taken my decision. First thing I do, I spill the beans to Donnie. Anyway, it’s better to please the guy would do my fake ID, trick my grades and do all my reports until my master degree. Besides, Raph would maybe shut the fuck up about my menstrual cup, one and for all._

 


	19. Hammurabi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a weird topic today in April's entry. Don't ask where that come from. I don't know. A sensitive person could skip it, I guess. Art by Neat Tea!

__

 

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_I can’t fucking believe it! I brought you with me at the lair because I wanted to write down every clue I could get before forgetting it and also keep busy while waiting with anxieties Don coming back from his mission. When I took him apart and told him about Casey he just ran, but he did it before Raph left and without even bothering to gave his brothers an explanation about his whereabouts. Neither Mikey or Donnie question Raph about his, but Donnie, who never got too far from his precious lab without being dragged out forcefully by Leo, it was concerning._

_This son of a bitch left me to deal with his both very alerted baby bros._

_“Why the fuck are you there?” the rude one asked. “And did you wash your hand before doing those chocolates chip cookies? I’m sure you didn’t!”Raph yelled because of course, it’s him. Mikey has his mouth full of cookies, already. “Mikey could eat any shit and Don being turned on by finding one of your red pube in his food, but I’m sure as fuck not!”_

_This was my reward from Raph for a day of cooking. I decided to not go deeper on the pubic hair comment._

_“Of course, I did! I remind you I’m working in a restaurant!” I spat._

_“Clown shit isn’t counting as a restaurant and you know it!” he retorted. “Besides, you are counting cash there, not damn flipping burger and everybody knows banknotes are full of germs.”_

_“I was thinking Don was the neat freak,” I said, bewildered by all this sudden aggressivity. Even for Raph, it was odd._

_“Speaking of Don, where he went in such a hurry?” Mikey asked, now his mouth empty and my mind spun to drift their mind away from this topic._

_“Speaking of my job, you never told me what you said to my boss,” I asked. “You know, the perv one?”_

_Raphael was carefully studying my cookies and he broke them in pieces, probably looking for hair._

_“Nothing much, I sliced one of his nuts,” he said absentmindedly while I just dropped my purse on the ground. “Don said he won’t die from it and Leo wanted to try the Asian belief to know if it would give him vigor.” Speaking of this recalled Leo in Raph’s memory. “I did all the job and this asshole didn’t even tell me if it was working!”_

_I put a hand on my chest and managed to find my way to the couch to sit. Leo couldn’t have eaten my former boss testicle. They were pulling a prank on me or something as retaliation for Leo’s run away._

_“You must wait he is done with his book, bro, to find out!” Mikey said, snatching the cookies in crumble in front of Raph. “I bet he could dedicate the chapter to you if you ask nicely!”_

_Raph was growling some curse. I didn’t care to look an idiot to have believed them if it was a joke but I needed to make sure Don didn’t ask Raph to slice the testicle of a guy because he had been a jerk to me. There was also no way Leo eat the severed ball because the same guy made some comment on Karai. Leo could be pretty harsh sometimes but I also know he doesn’t eat red meat, so it was bullshit._

_“You’re kidding me, right?” I tried to do something like snickering. “Nice try, but I’m positive Donnie never asked you to scare the guy to such an extent and I’m even more sure Leo didn’t eat my former boss nut. He is the closest thing close to vegetarianism than I know! He cried on this KFC documentary!” I roared._

_Raphael glared at me._

_“You can’t fight a craving,” Mikey said at his place. “And you can’t stop a writer on his way to be more accurate with his writing.”_

_“Cut the bullshit! You are both messing with me! I’m not believing you!”_

_“Are you calling me a liar?”Raph barked, and I yelped. “Run and check with science boy, if you don’t believe me!”_

_“It made me think, where was Don running off to so fast?” Mikey asked again, but Raph was far too incensed to stop in his tracks._

_“Don suggested cutting the guy’s left ball off in the first place. Fearless agreed, and so it wouldn't go to waste and to prove we did the job, he asked Mikey to bring it home so he could eat it! I don't know why he was worried about wasting the guy's nuts, it wasn't like they were any good to that dickbag either. Mikey, remember when you found that Snow White videotape? You think he got the idea from the Evil Queen?"_

_It couldn’t be. Leonardo couldn’t act like the Evil Queen but I was knowing enough what was good for me to not doubt Raph’s story. Maybe Don really suggested it like a bad joke and Leo agreed to play along and Raph and Mikey, both innocent souls, believed them._

_“Don was pretty mad to the guy and you know how he is,” Mikey snickered. “He has such a sadistic streak sometimes and you know also how Leo is. There were two merciless peas in a pod!”Mikey winked to me and I got some flash from Caligula’s movie and I felt dizzy. “Leo got his manliness doubted by this man. This is something you can’t get off of the hook easily. I mean, it was a pretty creative way to make him stop being a horny asshole and eating that dude's meat kiwi gave Leo an extra shot of machismo,” I felt my stomach churn. I won’t have kiwi ever again, now._

_“It’s some kind of Asian belief, so Leo had to try it out, even if I never heard of it. Maybe it made him feel close to Master Splinter again... Do you think anything Asian at all makes Leo think of him, or did Dad secretly got magical ninjutsu from eating criminal ballsacks?” Mikey wondered, a finger on his chin._

_“But did it worked?” Raph asked. I have no idea why but the story looked like turning Raph on. He looked really genuine in his curiosity to know more about his sibling eating a man testicle and I felt covered in cold sweat. “Was it tasting good?”_

_“Well, it was kind of a very tiny, weenie nut, so I didn’t get to taste it. Leo had to skin it, you know? He didn’t want to have a pube on his tongue, like you. Then, he grilled it, put salt and pepper and some lemon juice on it. You see, it so easy to cook, even Leo could do. He said:” Itadakimasu” eat it in two bites and said “Gochisousama” When he got all formal, it’s because he really appreciated the meal. He said it was tasting like it looked: Pork dumpling.”_

_I stood up and made a beeline to the sink, sure I will throw up. I tried to prevent my mind to make the image of Leo chewing on a dumpling. I waited one minute, leaning over it while Raph was yelling I shouldn't puke in the sink since he just disinfected it and wouldn't do it again. If I had to throw up, I have to go in the bathroom, since it was on Mikey’s chore list._

_“For what it made to him, I have no idea. He went to his room and probably lighted up some aphrodisiac incense and spank his monkey like crazy before writing it down.” Mikey shrugged like all of this was a normal way to spend an evening. “Anyway, even if it didn’t work on Leo, it’s worked for April. He left you alone, isn’t it?”_

_“What do you know about Leo’s book?”I asked in a choked voice. I couldn’t stay on the eat-balls topic and stay their friend, neither stay sane. I needed to fill my mind with anything besides that. “I feel he got a little irresponsible to let such a cursed book into innocent hands.”_

_“Well, his room is so neat, there no real challenge to search it. Dons’ lab is too. He is proofreading it, you know?”_

_It felt weird to imagine Don proofreading an erotic book, but I clang to this mental image. This was bearable. That also means Leo didn’t show them his book, just having Don in the secret. There were indeed two crazy peas in a pod. Raph looked in deep reflection._

_“But where Don was running?”Mikey asked again._

_“I should have taken both his balls and had some yam bag too!” Raph exclaimed out of the blue, startling me. “How come Leo got the magic bean when I had to do the dirty work?! The guy was struggling like crazy, wasn't he, Mike? You'd think he'd fucking settle down when his pants ripped so it wouldn't have been such a pain in my tail to keep his smelly-ass dick on his body. But we can’t be murderers, right? We're the good guys! We oughta have taken both clams and sliced them into four bites. Don’t you think so, Mikey?” Raph asked, riled up. I felt I wouldn't be able to hold back to puke. “Then we'd all be goddamn manly men.”_

_"Could you please stop with the food reference, already" I begged but they didn't give a shit._

_“Animal’s do the same job. I heard they made a fest of eating balls in Wisconsin. I’m positive Don would be okay with driving us there. Bulls have balls as big as grapefruit. It’s must even be more effective than from an average Joe.” Mikey turned toward him, his face lightened by a sudden idea. “By the way, April, are you eating grapefruit? Women have to do, to have big boobs, you know? It could also make thinner thighs. Don said it’s granny tales and not scientifically proven. But I say you should do like Leo and give a try, you know? No harm done; Grapefruits don’t call their mommy when you slice them.”_

_I didn’t even argue about my boobs and tights not needing grapefruit magical properties. It was too much and I leaned over the sink and threw up._

_I heard like underwater Raph calling me disgusting and Mikey and him going in a fight to know who would clean my mess. A part of myself was a little glad they were now enough okay to do the clean-up again, but I was mostly too sick to think. I tried to say weakly to shut the fuck up and I will do it myself but then, Mikey suggested something._

_“What about a game of Bitch-Dart? The loser cleans April’s puke.”_

_“I will do it,” I managed to say louder but the other two bozos weren’t listening to me. They heard a challenge and were too far gone in the way of who would be the best moron._

_“April is in, too!”Mikey giggled. “Let’s do this!”_

_After gulping some tap water, I let myself be dragged away from the sink to the dartboard in the living room. I understood immediately why this variation of the game was called ‘Bitch Darts’ even if ‘Bitch Ninja Stars’ would have been more accurate. The bullseye was covered with Karai’s picture. It would have been a good photo without all the holes poked through it. It wasn’t hard to guess where they came from, even without Raphael picking up a shuriken to clue me in._

_“Where did you find a close-up picture?”_

_“Donnie found it under his futon,” Raph said. It was clear which futon was ‘his’. “Donnie said it was a great opportunity to practice our aim. Brainiac was right, I ain't never been so precise.”_  
_“We found also some lace black panties under it,” Mikey explained to me. “Hence Raph's new obsession with pubes.”_

_“I ain't obsessed with pubes! All that hair's disgusting and I bet this bitch has crabs.”_

_“Don collected two of them with a tweezer and suggested to Raph and me to try out if voodoo was working!”_

_What they had recently with trying out any esoteric shit, I wondered._

_Mikey told me all about how they spend their morning doing a voodoo doll with Karai’s forgotten panties and the two pubic hairs. I stopped him._

_“What makes you sure it’s Karai? A lot of guys beat off on randomly stolen underwear. This isn’t because it’s black that it’s her,” I retorted. “I mean, she looks like the kind of girls no wearing underwear at all, since she never wears a dress, anyway. So maybe he just picks up those on a clothesline for his spank bank.”_

_“Are you implying my brother is a perv and a criminal?” Raph roared and I shrieked on the couch. I won’t argue with the guy who cut family jewel without a second thought to give them as a snack to his brother._

_“Anyway, you should know Raph and you too Mikey. I shave down there,” I said to calm Raph down._  
  
_“Too much information!” Mikey yelled and I wondered how Karai’s pubes weren’t too much to talk about but mine was and it was even more absurd coming from a guy who told us the recipe how to eat nasty bits. “Let’s just play the game. We made fifth-hundred copies from Karai pic so don’t hold back. Left eye worth 50 points and the right 40. Right between both eyes worth 60,” Mikey explained to me. “Other place in her face worth 30. Out of the picture but still on the board you get 5 points, only. The winner is the first to reach 300.”_

_To show me how better they were with the shuriken throwing, they played their turn. Each of them at hit dead center between the eyes and I was feeling slightly uneasy, but throwing shuriken to a girl picture was more sane than eating human testicle._

_I threw it without conviction, still feeling weak and managed to hit the board who was already good from me._

_We did a few turns and I was getting better, having reached the triple ring when I heard a voice._

_“And you call yourself a kunoichi?”Don mumbled. I jumped out of my skin and snapped my head toward him. Donatello was alone and looking like shit._

_“Hey, Dee! I’m at 260!”_

_“Don’t listen to him, Don. Little shit is cheating!” Then, Raph suddenly realized what Mikey had tried to point out for one hour already. “Where the fuck were you?”_

_Don’s hazelnut eyes flickered to me and I saw a glimpse of gratitude. I didn’t tell what Donnie was up to. But suddenly what I tried to forget desperately came back in a rush in my mind and I blurted out:_

_“Have you really asked my former boss left ball and Leo ate it?”_

_I saw the hurt in Don’s eyes to the name of his brother but it wasn’t like he could brush Leo under the carpet eternally._

_“So? He has learned his lesson and still alive. I’m positive if sexual harassment was a thing under Hammurabi, he would have made this punishment included in his code of laws,” he muttered running a hand over his exhausted face. He must have a fight with Leo and it and it ended pretty badly, for Don at least. But what about Casey, caught in this crossfire? But all these facts were tissues paper in comparison that the sliced nut story was true. But I was still clinging to the hope Cannibal-Leo was a joke or a figure of speech._

_“Hammurabi died a few milenal ago,”I retorted. “I bet if he was still alive he would be a mob boss!”_

_“Probably,”Don admitted. “But my point still stand. Even the badest criminal would think twice before groping a mob boss sister or wife. The fact is Hammurabi was living in a time periode where he could be more honest about it.”_

_“Who is this Hammurabi guy? He seems cool...Wait a minuteI think of it! Don has the lowest score and besides, April is his damn girlfriend!” Raph exclaimed, probably having seen me paled. “He must be the one cleaning her puke!”_

_“You are the closest thing I have to a girlfriend, Raph,” Don sneered and Raph blushed hard.”And, I just ran some errands. It’s New Year Eve!”_

_Damn, I had forgotten about New Year's Eve and Don handed to his brothers some pretzel, peanuts and beers._

_“I have something stronger ready for midnight. April, did I show you my distillery?”_

_He dragged me to his lab. I knew it was only an excuse to tell me about Leo, but I needed to talk about Leo as well._

_“Did Leo ate my boss ball?” I asked distressed. “Did he ate it to check if he would turn more sexually vigorous and write his experience in his new book?”_

_Don blinked and I could guess what was happening in his jaded mind of his. The guy was probably stunned I was still talking about what he considered already like an old story and classified case when he was upset about something obviously more important to him._

_“He did,” he replied bluntly. “And if this motherfucker was there, he would tell you that there nothing as satisfying than push further the saying about having his enemy by the balls.” My heart missed a beat and this is an understatement, diary. “This guy would think twice now before groping employees and talk shit about his female customers.”_

_I felt sick all over again and almost fainted into Donnie’s office chair._

_Don opened a bottle and poured himself a drink. I read “Crab cake Gin” on the label and shook the head when he offered me some._

_“Leo was gone by the time I arrived,” he said. “You should have called me right away.” He sighed and wiped his mouth. “Now, listen to me April. You have to close your window. Don’t open it at any moment at night! If Leo knocks at your window, don’t open it! Did you hear me? Just don’t, whatever he tell you!”_

_I was feeling like in Dracula’s movie when the heroine has to resist a vampire’s charisma._

_“What if he is bleeding? What if he is hurt?”I asked, “What if he chased down by the Shredder goons?”_

_“Then he would have to come back home and that’s is! Anyway, he would have to come back one day,” Donnie scoffed. “When he would grow bored of his sex-fest out of spite he would come back home.”_

_Donnie was the one sounding spiteful, but I decided it was my chance. The eaten testicle was already forgotten. Donnie did it to avenge me and then, he was still trying to protect me because he was jealous. It was almost sweet. I would totally forgive the severed nut if Don was ready to spill the beans._

_“But why he was at Casey’s? Where he is gone? What about Karai? And why Leo is angry? It is because you win the contest?”_

_In my excitement, I made a mistake. I asked too many questions at once and now Donnie was realizing I was more eager to fill my curiosity than listen to his sorrows._

_“I don’t think Leo has this contest in mind; anyway he won it,” Donnie replied, his voice clipped. “ I gave ‘points’ to them like you did to Raph when he let you because he didn’t know yet about menstruations. ”_

_I felt my cheeks burning. How did Don know? It’s a rhetorical question, since there only one answer. Of course, Raph told him. I was mortified._

_“Well, if he didn’t know about that, the sexual education you gave them was lacking,” I said to hide my trouble. “Be grateful Raph didn’t knock a poor girl up already!”_

_“Are you not the one so curious and eager about sex and yet, still using no protection?” Don mocked. “Why I would explain Raph the menstrual cycle when he never been into girls, to begin with? And well, now that he knows he won’t ever put his dick down there, even to save his life,” he finished with a sneer. "Anyway, when you dropped your bomb at Leo last week, we hadn’t done what you implied, yet.”_

_I shut myself and my enthusiasm to know more about Raph’s preference and what the use of ‘yet’ means must have been visible on my face because Don rolled his eyes._

_“I didn’t bring you here to content your virgin maiden curiosity. I had brought you here because you are my bait and I want to explain to you your role.”_

_I wasn’t understanding, but if Don has a quality is patience. This is not something he is born with, I think. He just developed it, I guess, to survive without turning mad by being surrounded by people less smart than him._

_“My theory is that to piss me off Leo would try to have a shot at you. I don’t care what he thinks or what he wants to do,” he said shrugging like I was now chopped liver for him. “I just want him home, so we will lure him with you. You have to resist a bit for us to get ready. I did lie to Mikey and Raph and so, I have to still wait a few days. Meanwhile, he would maybe calm down.”_

_I asked him what was the big lie and he explained to me he told them that he had received an email from Leo telling him he was fine and in Japan and needed some alone time to reflex on the new family dynamic. He told them that because he didn’t want them to have a too sad New Year Eve and also wanted to win us some times, in case his plan didn’t work with Karai. This is why Mikey and Raph weren’t that bad today._

_“Leo never sent an email from his life and I doubt he knows how, but you know how slow-minded they are. Leo would say pure-hearted,” he sighed again. He looked like missing his brother so badly. It was heartbreaking to see. “They believed it because they wanted it to be true.”_

_“And what about this voodoo doll this morning?”I asked again. “Believing in this crap isn’t you.”_

_“Well, that keeps them busy while I was doing research.”_

_I landed a hand on Don’s shell and I said he was doing a big bro fantastic job. I asked him what I have to do._

_“Just don’t do anything without me giving you a green light. Buy yourself two of those satin kimono…Nothing pricey, because this is only a hypothesis. Maybe Leo didn’t plan to meet Casey. Maybe he would return home by himself in a few hours. I admit not understanding his train of thought and it’s upsetting when it comes from someone so easily predictable.”_

_“You know my father is about to be back home, too,” I said, “And why two kimonos?”_

_“I will disguise myself to be taken by you in the dark,” he started. “What?” he asked, seeing my astonished face. “Of course, I would have a wig.”_

_“We...we don’t look alike..”I replied cautiously. “I mean even in the dark, with a wig…”_

_How he couldn’t get it! He is green! He is 6’5, I’m 5’5. He has a damn shell! The picture I had in mind was too ridiculous. I burst in laughter, probably from all the stress piling-up since my arrival._

_“I have less...curve than you, I give you that,” Don said very offended. I looked down to myself. Would they stop already with all their fatty hint? Don was the one all brain and bones, but I was feeling he was getting less smart ideas, lately “Goering cross-dressed and well, nobody would have dared to mock him.”_

_I was the one rolling my eyes now._

_“Are you done with your madmen reference?”I scoffed. “We are talking not only about a gender change but also from species. Anyway,” I yielded. “Do as you wish. Bait doesn’t have an opinion. I won’t argue with a guy who knows which body part to remove without make you die and encourage cannibalism!”_

_“Would you drop this, already? Don snapped. “I’m trying to think, here…Anyway, this isn't cannibalism! We aren't human.” he stayed mute a few seconds and I hoped he finally realized how wrong he was. “Maybe I should dress Raph in a kitten costume and let him wander in the park. He could make a perfect bait, too…” I was looking at Donnie like a second head had grown on him. Where was intelligent and sensible Donatello? I think Leo’s situation upset him so much, he couldn’t think straight. Anyway, now that I had listened to these crazy plans of his and accepted whatever he wanted, maybe he would answer my questions._

_“Keep an eye open,” he said dismissing me. “Take your calls, your messages and call me immediately after that. Try to make Casey talk. The prick refused to tell me anything!”_

_He kicked him out of his lab after having spout his order like he was Leonardo or something. In the living room, Mikey was asking Raph about what he thinks the leader would bring back for them from Japan. I was afraid to not be able to keep a straight face with them and left. Anyway, I was in a hurry. Donnie refused to tell me anything but Casey would be more easy to deal with. Besides, it was my mission._

_I went back to my house and called Casey. I was thinking he would maybe celebrate the New Years with buddies and booze and I would have to call back tomorrow but he answered at the second ring._

_Casey was very elusive. He said Leo was gone a few minutes after my call and that he didn’t tell Casey where he was coming from neither where he was going._

_“But what were you doing when I called you?”I asked. “You were breathing so hard, I thought he beat you like a pulp,” I lied._

_“Oh well...I got a splinter in the foot!" he was laughing nervously. "Leo was removing it from me! I know it could taint the image you have of me Ape, but I’m truly a sissy when it comes to splinter. Leo just gave me a hand, you know.”_

_A deep silence followed. It’s looked like made up bullshit but Casey looked so truly miserable in his need I believe his story. I hung up and looked at the skyline I could see from my window wondering if Leo was somewhere in the dark watching me. It made me shiver and after having pulled my curtain, I made myself a herbal tea. It’s the first time in three years I’m not wasted for New Year Eve. I decided to put my soberness to good use and drink my herbal tea in front of my board with the turtle's pic. I added Casey pic and one copy from Karai pic I picked up from the lair and started to make relationship arrow again to figure out how turtlecest work and who sleeps with who. It was like a kind of twisted version of Clue I reflected but which in the weapon is always a cock. This is the reason now I will bring you with me every day, diary. To write down any clue I get. I highlighted Don’s mention about Raph being what he had the closest to a girlfriend. Maybe Raph was the one taking up the ass, finally._

_I don’t care if I waste my youth on this mystery, but I was determined to resolve this case. I would show Leo he wasn’t the only Clue champion. Besides, it would prevent my mind to linger about cannibalism. UGH! I want to forget about this already!_


End file.
